To the residents of the United States of America, within the mild of
your failure to elect a reliable President of the USA and thus to
govern yourselves, we hereby give discover of the revocation of your
independence, efficient at this time.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical
duties over all states, commonwealths and different territories.
Besides Utah, which she doesn’t fancy.
Your new Prime Minister (The Proper Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the
97.85% of you who’ve till now been unaware that there’s a world
exterior your borders) will appoint a Minister for America with out
the necessity for additional elections.
Congress and the Senate will likely be disbanded.
A questionnaire will likely be circulated subsequent 12 months to find out whether or not
any of you seen. To assist within the transition to a British Crown
Dependency, the next guidelines are launched with instant
1. You must search for “revocation” within the Oxford English Dictionary.
Then search for “aluminium.” Test the pronunciation information. You’ll be
amazed at simply how wrongly you have got been saying it.
The letter ‘U’ will likely be reinstated in phrases akin to ‘favour’ and
‘neighbour’; skipping the letter ‘U’ is nothing greater than laziness
in your half. Likewise, you’ll be taught to spell ‘doughnut’ with out
skipping half the letters.
You’ll finish your love affair with the letter ‘Z’ (pronounced ‘zed’
not ‘zee’) and the suffix “ize” will likely be changed by the suffix “ise.”
You’ll be taught that the suffix ‘burgh’ is pronounced ‘burra’ e.g.
Edinburgh. You’re welcome to re-spell Pittsburgh as ‘Pittsberg’ if
you may’t deal with appropriate pronunciation.
Usually, you must elevate your vocabulary to acceptable ranges.
Lookup “vocabulary.” Utilizing the identical thirty seven phrases interspersed
with filler noises akin to “uhh”, “like”, and “you already know” is an
unacceptable and inefficient type of communication.
There will likely be no extra ‘bleeps’ within the Jerry Springer present. For those who’re
not sufficiently old to deal with unhealthy language you then should not have
chat reveals. If you be taught to develop your vocabulary, you then
will not have to make use of unhealthy language as usually.
2. There is no such thing as a such factor as “US English.” We’ll let Microsoft
know in your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will likely be adjusted to
take account of the reinstated letter ‘u’ and the elimination of “-ize.”
3. You must be taught to differentiate the English and Australian accents.
It actually is not that onerous. English accents aren’t restricted to
cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier).
Additionally, you will need to learn to perceive regional accents —
Scottish dramas akin to “Taggart” will not be broadcast with
Whereas we’re speaking about areas, it’s essential to be taught that there isn’t a
such place as Devonshire in England. The title of the county is
“Devon.” For those who persist in calling it Devonshire, all American
States will turn into “shires” e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire,
4. Hollywood will likely be required sometimes to solid English actors as
the great guys. Hollywood will likely be required to solid English actors to
play English characters.
British sit-coms akin to “Males Behaving Badly” or “Crimson Dwarf” will
not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American viewers
who cannot deal with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.
5. You must relearn your unique national anthem, “God Save The
Queen”, however solely after totally finishing up process 1. We might not need
you to get confused and quit half means by way of.
6. You must cease enjoying American “soccer.” There is just one
type of soccer. What you discuss with as American “soccer” shouldn’t be a
The two.15% of you who’re conscious that there’s a world exterior your
borders might have seen that nobody else performs “American” soccer.
You’ll not be allowed to play it, and may as a substitute play
Initially, it might be greatest should you performed with the ladies. It’s a
tough sport. These of you courageous sufficient will, in time, be allowed
to play rugby (which is analogous to American “soccer”, however doesn’t
contain stopping for a relaxation each twenty seconds or carrying full
kevlar physique armour like nancies).
We hope to get collectively not less than a US Rugby sevens facet by
You must cease enjoying baseball. It’s not cheap to host an
occasion known as the ‘World Sequence’ for a sport which isn’t performed
exterior of America. Since solely 2.15% of you might be conscious that there’s
a world past your borders, your error is comprehensible. As a substitute
of baseball, you’ll be allowed to play a women’ sport known as
“rounders,” which is baseball with out fancy workforce strip, outsized
gloves, collector playing cards or hotdogs.
7. You’ll not be allowed to personal or carry weapons. You’ll no
longer be allowed to personal or carry something extra harmful in public
than a vegetable peeler. As a result of we do not imagine you might be smart
sufficient to deal with doubtlessly harmful gadgets, you’ll require a
allow should you want to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
8. July 4th is not a public vacation. November 2nd will likely be a
new nationwide vacation, however solely in England. Will probably be known as
9. All American vehicles are hereby banned. They’re crap, and it’s for
your personal good. After we present you German vehicles, you’ll perceive
what we imply.
All street intersections will likely be changed with roundabouts. You’ll
begin driving on the left with instant impact. On the identical time,
you’ll go metric with instant impact and with out the advantage of
conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will enable you
perceive the British sense of humour.
10. You’ll be taught to make actual chips. These stuff you name
‘French fries’ aren’t actual chips. Fries aren’t even French, they
are Belgian although 97.85% of you (together with the man who found
fries whereas in Europe) aren’t conscious of a rustic known as Belgium.
These stuff you insist on calling potato chips are correctly known as
“crisps.” Actual chips are thick minimize and fried in animal fats. The
conventional accompaniment to chips is beer which must be served
heat and flat.
Waitresses will likely be educated to be extra aggressive with prospects.
11. As an indication of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will likely be added
to all tea made throughout the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this
amount to be doubled for tea made throughout the metropolis of Boston itself.
12. The chilly tasteless stuff you insist on calling “beer” shouldn’t be
truly beer in any respect, it’s lager. From November 1st solely correct
British Bitter will likely be known as “beer,” and European brews of
recognized and accepted provenance will likely be known as “Lager.” The
substances previously generally known as “American Beer” will henceforth be
known as “Close to-Frozen Gnat’s Urine,” excluding the
product of the American Budweiser firm whose product will likely be
known as “Weak Close to-Frozen Gnat’s Urine.” This may permit true
Budweiser (as manufactured for the final 1000 years within the Czech
Republic) to be offered with out threat of confusion.
13. >From November tenth the UK will harmonise petrol (or “gasoline,”
as you’ll be permitted to maintain calling it till April 1st 2005)
costs with the previous USA. The UK will harmonise its costs to
these of the previous USA and the Former USA will, in return, undertake UK
petrol costs (roughly $6/US gallon — get used to it).
14. You’ll be taught to resolve private points with out utilizing weapons,
attorneys or therapists. The truth that you want so many attorneys and
therapists reveals that you simply’re not grownup sufficient to be impartial.
Weapons ought to solely be dealt with by adults. For those who’re not grownup sufficient to
kind issues out with out suing somebody or chatting with a therapist,
you then’re not grown up sufficient to deal with a gun.
15. Please inform us who killed JFK. It has been driving us loopy.
16. Tax collectors from Her Majesty’s Authorities will likely be with you
shortly to make sure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).