Cynics Dictionary – The Satan’s Dictionary

Synthetic Insemination: Procreation with out recreation.
Bookcase: A chunk of furnishings utilized in America to deal with bowling trophies and Elvis collectibles.
Bulimia: Retched extra.
Stylish: Thought of good with out the deadening implication of intelligence.
Clique: A gaggle of insiders who greet outsiders with their backsides; a closed circle of asses.
Guide: A jobless one that exhibits executives learn how to work.
Dentures: Two rows of synthetic ivories that could be eliminated periodically to frighten one’s grandchildren or present accompaniment to Spanish music.
DNA: A posh natural molecule characterised because the constructing block of life and appropriately formed like a spiral staircase to nowhere.
Erudite: Exhibiting a level of ebook studying deadly to success in any enterprise or romantic enterprise.
Fiber: Edible wooden pulp mentioned to help digestion and extend life, in order that we’d take pleasure in one other six or eight years wherein to devour wooden pulp.
Funeral House: A stately manse occupied by transients who frequently obtain guests however lack the vitality and inclination to entertain them.
Genetic Engineering: Tampering with chromosomes in order that science may develop a brand new miracle treatment or a rabbit that performs the banjo.
Hip: Well attuned to the most recent leading edge cliches.
Job: A state of employment everybody desires however few sit up for on a Monday morning.
Lawyer: An expert advocate employed to bend the regulation on behalf of a paying shopper; because of this thought-about probably the most appropriate background for entry into politics.
Lecher: A stud with liver spots.
Looting: A public purchasing spree generously sponsored by native retailers within the wake of a riot.
Lottery: The equal of betting that the following pope might be from Duluth, or that the parrot within the pet retailer window speaks Flemish.
Math Nervousness: An intense lifelong worry of two trains approaching one another at speeds of 60 and 80 mph.
Mugger: A benevolent citizen of the streets who continuously spares the lives of whole strangers in alternate for any money and valuables of their possession.
Negotiating: The artwork of persuading your opponent to take the great shiny copper penny and provide the wrinkled previous paper cash.
Neurotic: Sane however sad about it.
Obituary: A closing summation of our lives that, for many of us, occupies about three inches of house in what is going to shortly change into cage liner to your neighbor’s parakeet.
Constructive Considering: Self-improvement by way of self-deception.
High quality of Life: What an industrialized nation is alleged to supply when sufficient of its residents are affected by terminal stress.
Revolutionary: An oppressed individual ready for the chance to change into an oppressor.
Shallowness: The foundation explanation for continual good well being, highschool recognition, look on the fiction bestseller lists, and gainful employment on native TV information broadcasts.
Star: A performer who makes greater than his or her agent.
Celebrity: A performer who makes greater than Guatemala.
State-of-the-art: Quickly-to-be-obsolete.
Taboo: Any strict cultural prohibition that, when breached, causes everybody within the group to gasp; e.g., cannibalism, public nudity, serving fried pork rinds at a Hasidic wedding ceremony, or answering the query “How are you?” within the adverse.
Unemployment: The same old various to overwork.
Urinal: The one place the place all males are friends.
Virgin: A younger harmless who in former instances was sacrificed to the gods however who now merely lives in shame.
Wake: 1. A convivial soiree with a preserved corpse within the room. 2. What the mourners can be visibly startled to see the corpse do, particularly these anticipating a large inheritance.
X-Chomosome: A genetic double-cross that empowers ladies with the power to bear kids and reserves for males the fitting to be color-blind hemophiliacs.
Zombie: A mirthless creature beloved by teenage horror film followers and people in command of the hiring at accounting corporations.

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