Bizarre Answering Machine & Voicemail Messages

  • Hello. That is John. In case you are the cellphone firm, I already despatched the cash. In case you are my dad and mom, please ship cash. In case you are my monetary assist establishment, you did not lend me sufficient cash. In case you are my pals, you owe me cash. In case you are a feminine, don’t be concerned, I’ve loads of cash.
  • (Narrator’s voice:) There Dale sits, studying {a magazine}. All of the sudden the telephone rings! The lavatory explodes right into a veritable maelstrom of bathroom paper, with Dale in the course of it, his arms windmilling at unimaginable speeds! Will he make it in time? Alas no, his valiant effort is in useless.
  • The bell hath sounded. Thou should depart a message.
  • Please depart a message. Nonetheless, you might have the precise to stay silent. All the things you say might be recorded and might be utilized by us.
  • Hello. I am in all probability residence, I am simply avoiding somebody I do not like. Depart me a message, and if I do not name again, it is you.
  • WE ARE BORG. RESISTANCE IS FUTILE. YOU WILL BE ASSIMILATED. However we’re not residence proper now. So depart a message on the tone, and we’ll assimilate you later.
  • Hello! John’s answering machine is damaged. That is his fridge. Please communicate very slowly, and I will stick your message to myself with considered one of these magnets.
  • Hiya, that is Ron’s toaster. Ron’s new answering machine is within the store for repairs, so please depart your message when the toast is completed… (Cachunk! )
  • (Very quick:) Hello, that is 904-4344. If you wish to depart a message, please watch for the tone. If you wish to depart your title and quantity, please press pound, press 3, then dial your title, then press 6 and dial your quantity. If you wish to depart your title and only a message, press star, press 6, ask for extension 4443, then depart your title and message. If you wish to depart your quantity and the time you referred to as, please press star twice, spin in a circle, press 1 twice, discuss loud and (BEEP)
  • That is the Literacy Self Take a look at Hotline. After the tone, depart your title and quantity, and recite a sentence utilizing immediately’s vocabulary phrase. At present’s phrase is “supercilious.”
  • Greetings, you might have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Company. We all know who you’re and what you need, so on the sound of the tone, please cling up.
  • I am unable to come to the cellphone now as a result of I’ve amnesia and I really feel silly speaking to folks I do not keep in mind. I might respect it in case you may assist me out by leaving my title and telling me one thing about myself. Thanks.
  • Thanks for calling the CSU Automated Listening to Take a look at Line. Put together for Take a look at 1. Is that this tone louder in your left ear or proper ear? … BEEP
  • (Rod Sterling imitation:) You are dazed, bewildered, trapped in a world with out time, the place sound collides with shade and shadows explode. You see a signpost up ahead-this is not any atypical phone answering system… You’ve reached, “The Twilight Cellphone”.
  • Thanks for calling the Metropolitan Church of the Holy Bible. At present’s commandment is Quantity 6, Thou shalt not… er… Bear a… er…Shalt not witness thy… uh… Neighbor’s, Oh, I imply, false… er…Shalt not commit a bear… Darn…
  • I am unable to come to the cellphone now, so if, nicely, truly, I CAN come to the cellphone now, I imply, like, I am on the cellphone NOW, recording this message, however I am doing this NOW, when you’re listening to it LATER, aside from you I assume it is NOW, like, whenever you’re listening to it… I imply, like, wait, gosh. That is so confusing.
  • (Recorded straight from AT&T:) The quantity you might have reached, 226-0477, has been modified. The brand new quantity is 226-0477. Please make a remark of it.
  • You’ve reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your voice patterns at the moment are being digitally encoded and saved for later use. As soon as that is accomplished, our computer systems will be capable to use the sound of YOUR voice for actually 1000’s of unlawful and immoral functions. There isn’t any cost for this preliminary session. Nonetheless, our workers {of professional} extortionists will contact you in the near future to additional clarify the advantages of our service, and to rearrange to your schedule of fee. Bear in mind to talk clearly on the sound of the tone. Thanks.
  • (Klingon voice:) ANSWERING MACHINE. SPEAK.
  • You’ve reached the quantity you might have dialed. Please depart a message after the beep.
  • Now I lay me right down to sleep; Depart a message on the beep. If I die earlier than I wake, Bear in mind to erase the tape.


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