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The Benefits of Growing Older
- In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
- No one expects you to run into a burning building.
- Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
- People call at 9 p.m. and ask, “Did I wake you?”
- People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
- There’s nothing left to learn the hard way.
- Things you buy now won’t wear out.
- You buy a compass for the dash of your car.
- You can eat dinner at 4:00.
- You can’t remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.
- You can live without sex, but not without your glasses.
- You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.
- You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.
- You enjoy hearing about other people’s operations.
- You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
- You got cable for the weather channel.
- You have a party and the neighbors don’t even realize it.
- You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
- You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
- You send money to PBS.
- You sing along with the elevator music.
- You talk about “good grass” and you’re referring to someone’s lawn.
- Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.
- Your back goes out more than you do.
- Your ears are hairier than your head.
- Your eyes won’t get much worse.
- Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
- Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can’t remember them either.
- Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.
- You have great friends who think of you often and send you lists like this!
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