An Open Letter To My Dog Who Won’t Stop Licking Himself

Original photo by Sloane Hughes

You’re a good boy but enough is enough

Dear Remy,

Let me start by saying that I love you, and it’s important you know this doesn’t change that. That being said, this has gone on for long enough and it’s time I addressed it. You gotta stop licking your dick and balls all the time, buddy.

I think we can agree that for the most part the last year of me working from home has gone pretty smoothly, and I’m grateful! I am! Spending all day everyday together for over a year is a lot, and it’s not like you can just open the door and take yourself for a walk to get some space. (You don’t have thumbs to open the door, as you are aware). I’m not unsympathetic, but things simply have to change.

Remy, my sweet angel, light of my life, there is no way you need to lick your ween that vigorously, for that long. I understand personal hygiene, but this is beyond. Do you know how many times per day I lose track of what I’m writing or have to reread entire emails because all I can focus on is the sound of you going to town on yourself? Did you know that the CIA and the Soviets made their captives listen to the same sounds over and over and over as a form of torture?

  If you know what I mean

You’re waging psychological warfare on me, Remy. So predictably every single day and yet the sound of you licking your dick and balls is something I will never get used to. Like a horrible grandfather clock.

Shlorp shlorp shlorp shlorp

How does it sound both that wet and that loud? Do you have an amplifier down there? Are you slobbering into a microphone? Have you figured out exactly where to lie to best use the acoustics of the apartment? And that’s another thing, I know we don’t have a ton of space, but there is absolutely no reason for you to do this directly under my desk. Right next to where I work. Sometimes while lying on my feet.

Get a room, for god’s sake.

If I didn’t interrupt with a “hey!” or a “shhht!” every few minutes I don’t know when you’d stop, and I don’t think you do either. You’re clean, Remy. You’re clean. If I let you lick your penis for as long as you wanted to lick your penis, you wouldn’t have a penis left. You would polish it right off.

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Do you want that? Do you want to lick your penis into nonexistence? I doubt it, considering how fond you obviously are.

Please, Remy, for both of our sakes, mostly the sake of my sanity but for BOTH of our sakes, before you lick yourself, first ask:

  • Did I just lick myself five minutes ago?
  • Do I really need to lick myself?
  • Could I spend this time doing something else like perhaps cleaning up my toys?
  • Is there a cat or a bird outside that I could stare at instead?

If you want to lick just your balls for a while though, fine. I will allow that. But only because they’re not going to be around for much longer, which is a talk for another day.