100 Finest Donald Trump Jokes

Whether or not you like or hate Donald Trump, you possibly can’t assist however chuckle at these hilarious Donald Trump jokes and insults on the market.

Donald Trump Back to the future

1. “It’s like an Web remark troll ran for president.”—Jon Stewart

2. “The excellent news is, President Obama was born in America. The dangerous information is, so was Donald Trump.” —Jay Leno

3. “Donald Trump is the form of one who goes to the Tremendous Bowl and thinks the folks within the huddle are speaking about him.”―Eric Schneiderman

4. “Donald Trump pronounces this morning that he’ll run for president. His hair will announce on Friday.”—Albert Brooks

5. “’Yeah! OK! That sounds good!’ So now the apparent query is, will he ever not win? Sure, Trump is unstoppable. He is like Godzilla with much less overseas coverage expertise.” –Stephen Colbert

6. “Donald has attacked each particular person of colour – besides John Boehner.”—Joe Biden

7. “Donald Trump has come out in favor of shutting down Deliberate Parenthood. Nevertheless, specialists say, if he actually desires Deliberate Parenthood to go below he ought to flip it right into a Trump property.”–Conan O”Brien

8. “Donald Trump could also be working for president. He mentioned he is sick and bored with the remainder of the world laughing at the US. Nicely, President Trump will definitely put an finish to that!”―David Letterman

9. “Possibly he ought to ease into this … by working for a decrease workplace first, like President of the Hair Membership for Males.”―Jimmy Kimmel

10. “Donald Trump is the weak man’s imaginative and prescient of a powerful man.”—Charles Cooke

11. “This man has an ego. When Trump bangs a supermodel, he closes his eyes and imagines he is jerking off.”–Seth McFarlane

12. “This is the factor about Donald Trump: he by no means apologizes; he is by no means fallacious it doesn’t matter what loopy factor he says. He is the white Kanye.”―Invoice Maher

13. “He was even compelled into the last word act of degradation— starring in his personal actuality present. And shortly the top-rated TV present within the nation starred a complete asshole torturing individuals who have been silly sufficient to work with him.”–Seth McFarlane

14. “However of us, on a critical level, Trump mentioned he likes ‘individuals who don’t get captured. What a horrible factor to say about my buddy and a real battle hero, John McCain. So tonight I name on Donald Trump to be a person of his phrase – and launch Chris Christie proper now.”—Joe Biden

15. “Say what you’ll about Trump, he’s not silly. He is a brilliant man with a deep understanding of what silly folks need.”―Andy Borowitz

16. “Donald Trump confirmed his start certificates to reporters. Who cares about his start certificates? I wish to know if that factor on his head has had its vaccinations.”―Craig Ferguson

17. “Trump says— he says he is gonna run for president in 2012. But when his plan for America is to fireside everybody, he is about two years too late.”–Seth McFarlane

18. “People have been mishearing The Donald: what he truly mentioned is that he’ll make America grate once more, after which a lot of them will migrate once more.”―Michael R. Burch

19. “I say that understanding each time his identify is alleged out loud, he has a shattering orgasm… Donald Trump is America’s again mole. It could have appeared innocent a yr in the past, however now that it’s change into frighteningly larger, it’s now not sensible to disregard it.”–John Oliver

20. “Donald Trump has had a number of overseas wives. It seems that there are actually are jobs People will not do.”–Mitt Romney

Donald Trump Hair

21. “Tonight, we honor a self-made millionaire. He began with nothing, labored exhausting, and made a fortune. That man is Fred Trump, Donald’s dad.”–Seth McFarlane

22. “The Trump virus’s main impact is twofold: First, it implants in its hosts the unshakable conviction that one of the execrable clowns within the historical past of those United States is a hero who deserves to be elevated to the White Home; then, having inculcated the vanity, it removes the schools which might be mandatory for its elimination.”—Charles Cooke

23. “Donald Trump, indubitably, you are a New York landmark. Which implies it is going to solely be a matter of time earlier than you bulldoze your self and put up some gaudy, cheesy monstrosity, and put your identify on it.”—Larry King

24. “I’ve heard phrase that Donald Trump has achieved a lot harm to the New York Skyline, that as a substitute of calling him the Donald, they need to name him the twentieth hijacker.”–Gilbert Godfried

25. “Donald Trump is right here tonight. Now I do know that he’s taken some flak these days. However nobody is happier—nobody is prouder—to place this start certificates matter to relaxation than The Donald. And that’s as a result of he can lastly get again to specializing in the problems that matter: Like, did we pretend the moon touchdown? What actually occurred in Roswell? And the place are Biggie and Tupac?”—Barack Obama

26. “Donald, I am undecided in case you’re even conscious of this, however the one distinction between you and Michael Douglas from the film, Wall Avenue, is that nobody’s going to be unhappy once you get most cancers.”—Anthony Jeselnik

27. “Now Donald mentioned he desires to run for President and transfer on into the White Home. Why not? It would not be the primary time he pushed a black household out of their house.”–Snoop Dogg

28. “Practically 70 p.c of People mentioned a Trump presidency would make them ‘anxious.’ And 30 p.c mentioned a Trump presidency would make them ‘Canadian.'”–Conan O’Brien

29. “At a rally over the weekend, Donald Trump was surrounded by Secret Service brokers after a person tried to hurry the stage. The Secret Service mentioned the person was harmful and disturbed, however they needed to defend him anyway. Proving as soon as and for all, one of the simplest ways to maintain everybody protected and sound is to construct a wall round Donald Trump.”–Jimmy Fallon

30. “At a rally in Las Vegas final evening Donald Trump advised supporters he’d prefer to punch protesters within the face. Although he seems to be extra just like the form of man who would stroke a white cat whereas any person else punched you within the face.”—Seth Meyers

31. “Teddy Roosevelt spoke softly and carried an enormous stick; Donald Trump speaks loudly and carries an enormous shtick.”―Michael R. Burch

32. “Donald Trump likes to sue folks. He ought to sue whoever did that to his face.”—Marco Rubio

33. “Analysts say Hillary Clinton’s plan to defeat Donald Trump includes portray Trump as ‘harmful and bigoted.’ She plans on doing this by quoting Trump precisely.”—Conan O’Brien

34. “By the best way, Donald, it is pronounced ‘large,’ not ‘eyuge.’ Additionally, it is pronounced ‘I’m fucking delusional,’ not ‘I’m working for President.’”—Seth McFarlane

35. “At a Donald Trump rally the opposite evening, a supporter shouted out the Nazi salute ‘Sieg Heil!’ Trump instantly responded, ‘There isn’t any place for that right here – put it aside for my inauguration.'”—Conan O’Brien

36. “A protester needed to be escorted out of a Donald Trump rally final evening for yelling, ‘Trump’s a racist.’ The protester was eliminated as a result of the Trump marketing campaign has that phrase copyrighted.”—Seth Meyers

37. “A brand new examine claims the stress of being president takes three years off your life. So immediately everyone seems to be considering of voting for Trump.”—Conan O’Brien

38. “Silly presidents, sensible presidents, white presidents, black presidents — would not work! What this nation wants is a loopy Third World dictator. And Donald Trump has what it takes to be that. He is already bought a aircraft together with his identify on it, stable gold buildings, a harem…”—Lewis Black

39. “After he received yesterday’s Nevada caucus, Donald Trump mentioned, ‘I like the poorly educated.’ Trump then mentioned, ‘And once I’m president there will be extra of them than ever.'” —Conan O’Brien

40. “Donald Trump mentioned that he is not going to the Fox Information debate, as a result of moderator Megyn Kelly is biased in opposition to him. And Trump has a proper to be scared, as a result of normally when a youthful, enticing girl disagrees with him, she finally ends up taking half his stuff.”—Jimmy Fallon

41. “You have ruined extra fashions’ lives than bulimia. You have disillusioned extra girls than Intercourse and the Metropolis 2.”—Lisa Lampanelli

Donald Trump racist joke

42. “If Donald Trump wins, my guess is America will look loads prefer it did in ‘Again to the Future 2,’ when Biff was in cost.”–Jimmy Kimmel

43. “Donald Trump introduced immediately that he’s working for president. And primarily based on the quantity of bronzer he makes use of, he is additionally working for president of the Spokane NAACP.”—Seth Meyers

44. “Regardless of Donald Trump’s powerful stance on immigration, Trump Modeling Company is being accused of hiring lower-paid overseas fashions. In his protection, Trump says these aren’t laborers, these are ‘future wives.'”—Conan O’Brien

45. “Donald Trump has claimed that his candidacy is fueling extra curiosity in voting. Extra individuals are signing as much as vote. Similar to herpes fuels extra curiosity in Valtrex, as an illustration.”—Jimmy Kimmel

46. “The actual fact that he’s so delicate about [his fingers] is totally hilarious, as is the truth that these notes have been apparently written in gold Sharpie, which is so quintessentially Donald Trump: one thing that provides the passing look of wealth, however is absolutely only a low-cost software.”—John Oliver

47. “That’s what he’s finest at. Placing a bow on a turd, marking up the worth, and promoting it so exhausting, you need it—although you recognize it’s only a turd with a bow on it. America is that turd!”—Lewis Black

48. “Donald Trump mentioned yesterday that if he is elected, he would ‘in all probability not discuss as a lot.’ That is proper, if Donald Trump is elected, even HE shall be speechless.”—Seth Meyers

49. “It’s protected to say the whole lot Trump touches turns to gold. Particularly the Miss Teen U.S.A. contestants he pees on.”—Seth McFarlane

50. “Hillary Clinton mentioned she went to Donald Trump’s marriage ceremony however did not give him a present. Trump mentioned, ‘Only for that, you are not coming to my subsequent three weddings.'”—Conan O’Brien

51. “Donald Trump has canceled a deliberate journey to Israel. When requested why, Trump mentioned, ‘They have already got a wall and a worry of Muslims. My work there may be achieved.'”—Conan O’Brien

52. “A phrase affiliation ballot discovered the phrases most related to Donald Trump are fool, jerk, silly, and dumb. In different phrases, he actually could possibly be our subsequent president. He is bought the whole lot it takes.”—Conan O’Brien

53. “A brand new ballot launched immediately reveals Donald Trump is main the Republican area with 24 p.c. How far are we going to let this go? It is virtually Thanksgiving. Trump remains to be main. Subsequent factor you recognize, he is successful Iowa, then he takes New Hampshire, then he by some means truly turns into the Republican nominee. And earlier than you recognize it, Hillary Clinton is president!”—Seth Meyers

54. “Simply bought advised precisely what Donald Trump goes to do Monday on the RNC. Mom of God. We’re lastly dwelling in IDIOCRACY.”—Patton Oswalt

55. “A brand new examine of the candidates’ Fb followers discovered that Donald Trump’s followers have the worst grammar. Which is not stunning, since Trump’s complete marketing campaign has been one, large run-on sentence. ‘We have to construct a wall and repair the financial system and get again at China and Rosie O’Donnell and I am very wealthy and here is a pink hat and…'”—Jimmy Fallon

56. “I do suppose Donald Trump is sincere in his personal manner. He’s actually an egomaniacal billionaire.” –Stephen Colbert

57. “At this time Donald Trump signed a loyalty pledge to the Republican Occasion saying that he would endorse for president whoever wins the Republican nomination and wouldn’t run as a third-party candidate as he has threatened to prior to now. And I will let you know one thing. When Donald Trump makes a vow, he retains it. Ask any of his wives, they are going to let you know.” –Jimmy Kimmel

58. “In an unique interview with the Christian Broadcasting Community, Donald Trump mentioned, ‘I imagine in god.’ However after all The Donald was speaking about Himself.”―Jay Leno

59. “Donald Trump mentioned, ‘There’s no one that’s achieved a lot for equality as I’ve.’ That’s proper, he mentioned: ‘In some states, I’m hated equally by blacks and Hispanics.'” –Conan O’Brien

Donald Trump build wall

60. “Republican hopeful Rick Perry this week in contrast Donald Trump to most cancers. Which actually is not truthful, as a result of typically you possibly can eliminate most cancers.” –Seth Meyers

61. “On Saturday Donald Trump had some unkind phrases for Arizona Senator John McCain. Are you able to think about being tortured 5 1/2 years in a Vietnamese jail camp, after which a person whose biggest war-time accomplishment was brokering a peace treaty on ‘Movie star Apprentice’ between Gary Busey and Meat Loaf belittles you and calls you a loser?” –Jimmy Kimmel

62. “A man with the worst spray tan in America is attacking me for placing on make-up.”—Marco Rubio

63. “After Donald Trump’s derogatory feedback about immigrants, NBC has formally cancelled ‘Movie star Apprentice.’ Give it some thought, Donald Trump isn’t even president but, and he’s already made America a greater place.”—Conan O’Brien

64. “No matter you consider Marco Rubio and Ted Cruz, a minimum of you mainly know the place they stand, however Trump’s opinions have been wildly inconsistent. He’s been pro-choice and pro-life, for and in opposition to assault weapon bans, in favor of each bringing Syrian refugees and deporting them in a foreign country, and that inconsistency has been troubling…That is the frontrunner for the Republican nomination advocating a battle crime. And he may say he was joking or he’s modified his thoughts about any of this stuff, and personal people are allowed to vary their minds — all of us do it — however when he’s sworn in as president on Jan. 20, 2017, on that day, his opinions are going to matter. And you’ll keep in mind that date, as a result of it’s the one that point vacationers from the long run will come again to try to cease the entire thing from taking place.” —John Oliver

65. “Did you see Donald Trump’s large announcement immediately? Trump may be very assured. He could possibly be the one presidential candidate to ever decide himself as a working mate.”—Jimmy Kimmel

66. “That is what I have been ready for my complete life. A President who’s not afraid to inform the reality about being a mendacity asshole!”―Lewis Black

67. Are we actually doing this Donald Trump factor? We’re actually doing that as a rustic? He’s fucked. I prefer to put my identify in large letters on the whole lot I personal as a lot as the subsequent man, however the one different people who do which might be like 8-year-olds going to camp.”—Jon Stewart

68. “At this level Trump is the political equal of a telephone intercourse operator. He is simply whispering no matter soiled little racist fantasies Republicans wish to hear.”—Michael Che

69. “Miss USA, for instance, is owned by Donald Trump—a clown made from mummified foreskin and cotton sweet.”—John Oliver

70. “Trump’s performance-art character is butch within the sense that sure homosexual icons are butch — bikers, cowboys, and the remainder of the Village Folks — and interesting to sure males for related causes, one in all which is overcompensation for threats in opposition to their virility.”—Kevin Williamson

71. “Arguing with Trump is type of like dressing up an lovable toddler in a Viking outfit and listening to it say that he’ll raid my village and slaughter all in his path. It’s cute. It’s humorous. Possibly it’s even vaguely disturbing if he goes on too lengthy (“I shall cling you from the fence submit as a blood eagle! And I’ve a boom-boom in my diaper, daddy!”). However, simply as with Trump’s ranting, the one factor you don’t do is take it critically.”—Jonah Goldberg

72. “(Donald Trump) may win. He’s bought sufficient ex-wives to vote for him.”—Chris Rock

73. “Through the years, his identify has been on some issues which have arguably been very un-good, together with Trump Shuttle, which now not exists; Trump Vodka, which was discontinued; Trump Journal, which folded; Trump World Journal, which additionally folded; Trump College, over which he’s being sued; and naturally, the travel-booking web site GoTrump.com, whose temporary existence was, I think about, an actual thorn within the facet of anybody hoping GotRump.com featured a single factor value masturbating to.”—John Oliver

74. “What Donald Trump actually jogs my memory of is a spoiled five-year-old throwing a tantrum. Each time a guardian takes the children’ facet over the lecturers’ and asks a toddler the place they wish to go to dinner or doesn’t say ‘be quiet when adults are speaking,’ you’re creating the Donald Trumps of tomorrow.”—Invoice Maher

75. “Americans are gradual and dim and dumb, and so they want further time. If we had a two-month election cycle, they might’ve elected Trump already… For the primary couple of months, folks have been enamored with him. Now, they see his shtick. He has two issues: ‘Me construct wall. Me nice.'”–Invoice Maher

76. “If he hadn’t inherited $200 million, you recognize the place Donald Trump could be proper now? Promoting watches in Manhattan.” – Marco Rubio

77. “Trump is form of just like the film Snakes on a Aircraft. Positive the thought is entertaining. However an precise snake in your aircraft could be terrifying. And that is what’s taking place now. The aircraft is American democracy. And the snake is Trump.”-–Seth Meyers

78. “The closest Trump ever bought to battle was his combat with Rosie O’Donnell.” –Jimmy Kimmel

79. “There’s a lunatic in North Korea attempting to get a nuclear weapon and a lunatic attempting to get ahold of nuclear weapons in America.” – Marco Rubio

80. ‘Trump NOT Doing FOX Debate Trigger Of MEGAN (sic) KELLY… fkng PRIMA DONNA. HOW CAN HE FACE ISIS, HE CANT FACE A CHICK ON TV.” –Cher

Donald Trump Martina movie poster

81. “Trump threatening to not present up for subsequent debate if Megyn Kelly is moderating! I wager he’s so mad he has ‘blood popping out of his wherever.’”—Bette Midler

82. “Donald Trump simply talked about his dick throughout a presidential debate! A dick which I presume seems to be like a Cheeto with the cheese mud rubbed off.” – John Oliver

83. “He’s at all times calling me ‘Little Marco’ … and I’ll admit he’s taller than me, he’s 6’2″ which is why I don’t perceive why he has arms the dimensions of somebody who’s 5’2″. Have you ever seen his arms? You understand what they are saying about males with small arms.” – Marco Rubio

84. “Do you know Donald Trump’s birthname is Fuckface von Clownstick? I hope that’s throughout Twitter.” – Jon Stewart

85. “It’s so sizzling immigrants are coming throughout the border on slip and slides. That is how sizzling it’s. It’s so sizzling, Donald Trump hit on Megyn Kelly simply to get the chilly shoulder. That is how sizzling it’s, girls and gents.” –Jay Leno

86. “Trump had medical deferment [during Vietnam] … he had inter-rectum cranial inversion — which suggests his head is up his ass.” – Jay Leno

87. “This all dates again to once we have been rising up collectively in Kenya… we had fixed run-ins on the soccer area. He wasn’t excellent and he resented it.” – Barack Obama

88. “What a terrific honor it have to be so that you can honor me tonight. I am so sorry; Donald Trump mentioned that. It is getting trickier and trickier to satirize these things.” — Julia Louis Dreyfus

89. “Now, you may say he’d make a horrible president. I imply, the man bankrupted his personal on line casino. A on line casino! The place the Home at all times wins! Until it’s Donald Trump’s home!”—Lewis Black

90. “Trump is definitely doing very properly in Nevada. That is proper, Trump appeals to Nevada’s key demographic — individuals who’ve declared chapter.”—Conan O’Brien

91. “Sure. He was nonetheless an odd particular person then… to me, Donald Trump isn’t a wealthy man. Donald Trump is like what a hobo imagines a wealthy man to be. Like Trump was strolling round below an underpass, and he heard some man like ‘Ohh, as quickly as my quantity is available in, I’m gonna put up tall buildings with my identify on ’em! I’ll have high quality golden hair, and a TV present the place I fireplace Gene Simmons with my youngsters.’ And Trump was like ‘That’s how I’ll dwell my life.’” – John Mulaney

92. “[Donald Trump’s] not good at working for president, he’s simply good at ‘Household Feud.’ And these different individuals are horrible at ‘Household Feud.’ So when the Steve Harvey of this election is like ‘Identify one thing that’s bothering People,’ and Ted Cruz is like ‘Benghazi!’ [buzzer noise]. However then Trump is like ‘All the issues.’ And that’s the primary reply.”—John Mulaney

93. “Donald Trump can appear interesting till you’re taking a more in-depth look, very like the lunch buffet at a strip membership, or the NFL or having a pet chimpanzee,” he added. “Positive it appears enjoyable, however some day Coco is gonna tear your fucking limbs off.”—John Oliver

94. “I used to be within the elevator alone with him, simply by probability. And he simply seemed so depressing. He seems to be so sad. And all that cash… I notice that is bizarre, he has all these billions of {dollars}. However he’s fucking billion {dollars}, as a result of he wants a $100 billion to look within the mirror and never wish to kill himself.”—Louis CK

95. “At this time is the Republican caucus in Nevada, and Donald Trump is projected to win. When requested why they’re voting for him, People mentioned, ‘We’re used to doing issues in Nevada that we’ll remorse tomorrow.'”—Conan O’Brien

96. “Is Trump critically simply now realizing his supporters are a bunch of window-licking water heads? Donald, you’re speaking to the craziest folks within the nation. You can actually take off your shoe mid-speech, maintain it as much as your ear, say you’re getting a name from Batman and they might be quiet till you hung up your shoe.”—Michael Che

97. “Individuals are like, ‘I like Trump; he says what he thinks. What he thinks is silly. That’s like in case your buddy is like, ‘I want to fuck your mother.’ Why would you say that? … I don’t give a shit in case you’re politically right, simply be right, right.”—Jon Stewart

98. “I do not imagine that Donald Trump is a racist. He is simply pandering to essentially the most prejudiced section of the nation. He is hustling them. […] None of what he is saying is true. You do not simply develop racism in a single day on the marketing campaign path. Racism is embedded deep down in an individual’s soul. I’ve seemed into that man’s eyes. Donald Trump would not have a soul.”—Michael Che

99. “Yeah, issues are completely different. Donald Trump is main within the polls. I’m going again (in a coma).”—Tracy Morgan

100. “Does Trump actually suppose this weird present of faux-majesty is in any manner regal? As a result of it’s truly form of insane watching him stomp down the sidewalk on a carpet that’s being unspooled by two slobs who could be his sons in the event that they weren’t to the cheesy manor born. And it additionally sums up Donald Trump completely — what he thinks is spectacular is merely spectacularly low-rent to the remainder of us.”—Tom Scharpling

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