100 Best Donald Trump Jokes

100 best donald trump jokes
100 best donald trump jokes

Whether you love or hate Donald Trump, you can’t help but laugh at these hilarious Donald Trump jokes and insults out there.

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1. “It’s like an Internet comment troll ran for president.”—Jon Stewart

2. “The good news is, President Obama was born in America. The bad news is, so was Donald Trump.” —Jay Leno

3. “Donald Trump is the kind of person who goes to the Super Bowl and thinks the people in the huddle are talking about him.”―Eric Schneiderman

4. “Donald Trump announces this morning that he will run for president. His hair will announce on Friday.”—Albert Brooks

5. “’Yeah! OK! That sounds good!’ So now the obvious question is, will he ever not win? Yes, Trump is unstoppable. He’s like Godzilla with less foreign policy experience.” –Stephen Colbert

6. “Donald has attacked every person of color – except John Boehner.”—Joe Biden

7. “Donald Trump has come out in favor of shutting down Planned Parenthood. However, experts say, if he really wants Planned Parenthood to go under he should turn it into a Trump property.”–Conan O”Brien

8. “Donald Trump may be running for president. He said he’s sick and tired of the rest of the world laughing at the United States. Well, President Trump will certainly put an end to that!”―David Letterman

9. “Maybe he should ease into this … by running for a lower office first, like President of the Hair Club for Men.”―Jimmy Kimmel

10. “Donald Trump is the weak man’s vision of a strong man.”—Charles Cooke

11. “This guy has an ego. When Trump bangs a supermodel, he closes his eyes and imagines he’s jerking off.”–Seth McFarlane

12. “Here’s the thing about Donald Trump: he never apologizes; he’s never wrong no matter what crazy thing he says. He’s the white Kanye.”―Bill Maher

13. “He was even forced into the ultimate act of degradation— starring in his own reality show. And soon the top-rated TV show in the nation starred a total asshole torturing people who were stupid enough to work with him.”–Seth McFarlane

14. “But folks, on a serious point, Trump said he likes ‘people who don’t get captured. What a terrible thing to say about my friend and a genuine war hero, John McCain. So tonight I call on Donald Trump to be a man of his word – and release Chris Christie right now.”—Joe Biden

15. “Say what you will about Trump, he is not stupid. He is a smart man with a deep understanding of what stupid people want.”―Andy Borowitz

16. “Donald Trump showed his birth certificate to reporters. Who cares about his birth certificate? I want to know if that thing on his head has had its vaccinations.”―Craig Ferguson

17. “Trump says— he says he’s gonna run for president in 2012. But if his plan for America is to fire everyone, he’s about two years too late.”–Seth McFarlane

18. “Americans have been mishearing The Donald: what he actually said is that he will make America grate again, after which many of them will migrate again.”―Michael R. Burch

19. “I say that knowing every time his name is said out loud, he has a shattering orgasm… Donald Trump is America’s back mole. It may have seemed harmless a year ago, but now that it’s become frighteningly bigger, it’s no longer wise to ignore it.”–John Oliver

20. “Donald Trump has had several foreign wives. It turns out that there are really are jobs Americans won’t do.”–Mitt Romney

Donald Trump Hair

21. “Tonight, we honor a self-made millionaire. He started with nothing, worked hard, and made a fortune. That man is Fred Trump, Donald’s dad.”–Seth McFarlane

22. “The Trump virus’s primary effect is twofold: First, it implants in its hosts the unshakable conviction that one of the most execrable clowns in the history of these United States is a hero who deserves to be elevated to the White House; then, having inculcated the conceit, it removes the faculties that are necessary for its removal.”—Charles Cooke

23. “Donald Trump, without a doubt, you’re a New York landmark. Which means it will only be a matter of time before you bulldoze yourself and put up some gaudy, tacky monstrosity, and put your name on it.”—Larry King

24. “I’ve heard word that Donald Trump has done so much damage to the New York Skyline, that instead of calling him the Donald, they should call him the 20th hijacker.”–Gilbert Godfried

25. “Donald Trump is here tonight. Now I know that he’s taken some flak lately. But no one is happier—no one is prouder—to put this birth certificate matter to rest than The Donald. And that’s because he can finally get back to focusing on the issues that matter: Like, did we fake the moon landing? What really happened in Roswell? And where are Biggie and Tupac?”—Barack Obama

26. “Donald, I’m not sure if you’re even aware of this, but the only difference between you and Michael Douglas from the movie, Wall Street, is that no one’s going to be sad when you get cancer.”—Anthony Jeselnik

27. “Now Donald said he wants to run for President and move on into the White House. Why not? It wouldn’t be the first time he pushed a black family out of their home.”–Snoop Dogg

28. “Nearly 70 percent of Americans said a Trump presidency would make them ‘anxious.’ And 30 percent said a Trump presidency would make them ‘Canadian.'”–Conan O’Brien

29. “At a rally over the weekend, Donald Trump was surrounded by Secret Service agents after a man tried to rush the stage. The Secret Service said the man was dangerous and disturbed, but they had to protect him anyway. Proving once and for all, the best way to keep everyone safe and sound is to build a wall around Donald Trump.”–Jimmy Fallon

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30. “At a rally in Las Vegas last night Donald Trump told supporters he’d like to punch protesters in the face. Though he looks more like the kind of guy who would stroke a white cat while somebody else punched you in the face.”—Seth Meyers

31. “Teddy Roosevelt spoke softly and carried a big stick; Donald Trump speaks loudly and carries a big shtick.”―Michael R. Burch

32. “Donald Trump likes to sue people. He should sue whoever did that to his face.”—Marco Rubio

33. “Analysts say Hillary Clinton’s plan to defeat Donald Trump involves painting Trump as ‘dangerous and bigoted.’ She plans on doing this by quoting Trump accurately.”—Conan O’Brien

34. “By the way, Donald, it’s pronounced ‘huge,’ not ‘eyuge.’ Also, it’s pronounced ‘I am fucking delusional,’ not ‘I am running for President.’”—Seth McFarlane

35. “At a Donald Trump rally the other night, a supporter shouted out the Nazi salute ‘Sieg Heil!’ Trump immediately responded, ‘There is no place for that here – save it for my inauguration.'”—Conan O’Brien

36. “A protester had to be escorted out of a Donald Trump rally last night for yelling, ‘Trump’s a racist.’ The protester was removed because the Trump campaign has that phrase copyrighted.”—Seth Meyers

37. “A new study claims the stress of being president takes three years off your life. So suddenly everyone is thinking of voting for Trump.”—Conan O’Brien

38. “Stupid presidents, smart presidents, white presidents, black presidents — doesn’t work! What this country needs is a crazy Third World dictator. And Donald Trump has what it takes to be that. He’s already got a plane with his name on it, solid gold buildings, a harem…”—Lewis Black

39. “After he won yesterday’s Nevada caucus, Donald Trump said, ‘I love the poorly educated.’ Trump then said, ‘And when I’m president there’ll be more of them than ever.'” —Conan O’Brien

40. “Donald Trump said that he’s not going to the Fox News debate, because moderator Megyn Kelly is biased against him. And Trump has a right to be scared, because usually when a younger, attractive woman disagrees with him, she ends up taking half his stuff.”—Jimmy Fallon

41. “You’ve ruined more models’ lives than bulimia. You’ve disappointed more women than Sex and the City 2.”—Lisa Lampanelli

Donald Trump racist joke

42. “If Donald Trump wins, my guess is America will look a lot like it did in ‘Back to the Future 2,’ when Biff was in charge.”–Jimmy Kimmel

43. “Donald Trump announced today that he is running for president. And based on the amount of bronzer he uses, he’s also running for president of the Spokane NAACP.”—Seth Meyers

44. “Despite Donald Trump’s tough stance on immigration, Trump Modeling Agency is being accused of hiring lower-paid foreign models. In his defense, Trump says those aren’t laborers, those are ‘future wives.'”—Conan O’Brien

45. “Donald Trump has claimed that his candidacy is fueling more interest in voting. More people are signing up to vote. Just like herpes fuels more interest in Valtrex, for instance.”—Jimmy Kimmel

46. “The very fact that he’s so sensitive about [his fingers] is absolutely hilarious, as is the fact that those notes were apparently written in gold Sharpie, which is so quintessentially Donald Trump: something that gives the passing appearance of wealth, but is really just a cheap tool.”—John Oliver

47. “That’s what he’s best at. Putting a bow on a turd, marking up the price, and selling it so hard, you want it—even though you know it’s just a turd with a bow on it. America is that turd!”—Lewis Black

48. “Donald Trump said yesterday that if he’s elected, he would ‘probably not talk as much.’ That’s right, if Donald Trump is elected, even HE will be speechless.”—Seth Meyers

49. “It’s safe to say everything Trump touches turns to gold. Especially the Miss Teen U.S.A. contestants he pees on.”—Seth McFarlane

50. “Hillary Clinton said she went to Donald Trump’s wedding but didn’t give him a gift. Trump said, ‘Just for that, you’re not coming to my next three weddings.'”—Conan O’Brien

51. “Donald Trump has canceled a planned trip to Israel. When asked why, Trump said, ‘They already have a wall and a fear of Muslims. My work there is done.'”—Conan O’Brien

52. “A word association poll found the words most associated with Donald Trump are idiot, jerk, stupid, and dumb. In other words, he really could be our next president. He’s got everything it takes.”—Conan O’Brien

53. “A new poll released today shows Donald Trump is leading the Republican field with 24 percent. How far are we going to let this go? It’s almost Thanksgiving. Trump is still leading. Next thing you know, he’s winning Iowa, then he takes New Hampshire, then he somehow actually becomes the Republican nominee. And before you know it, Hillary Clinton is president!”—Seth Meyers

54. “Just got told exactly what Donald Trump is going to do Monday at the RNC. Mother of God. We are finally living in IDIOCRACY.”—Patton Oswalt

55. “A new study of the candidates’ Facebook fans found that Donald Trump’s fans have the worst grammar. Which isn’t surprising, since Trump’s whole campaign has been one, big run-on sentence. ‘We need to build a wall and fix the economy and get back at China and Rosie O’Donnell and I’m very rich and here’s a red hat and…'”—Jimmy Fallon

56. “I do think Donald Trump is honest in his own way. He is honestly an egomaniacal billionaire.” –Stephen Colbert

57. “Today Donald Trump signed a loyalty pledge to the Republican Party saying that he would endorse for president whoever wins the Republican nomination and would not run as a third-party candidate as he has threatened to in the past. And I’ll tell you something. When Donald Trump makes a vow, he keeps it. Ask any of his wives, they will tell you.” –Jimmy Kimmel

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58. “In an exclusive interview with the Christian Broadcasting Network, Donald Trump said, ‘I believe in god.’ But of course The Donald was talking about Himself.”―Jay Leno

59. “Donald Trump said, ‘There’s nobody that’s done so much for equality as I have.’ That’s right, he said: ‘In some states, I’m hated equally by blacks and Hispanics.'” –Conan O’Brien

Donald Trump build wall

60. “Republican hopeful Rick Perry this week compared Donald Trump to cancer. Which really isn’t fair, because sometimes you can get rid of cancer.” –Seth Meyers

61. “On Saturday Donald Trump had some unkind words for Arizona Senator John McCain. Can you imagine being tortured 5 1/2 years in a Vietnamese prison camp, and then a man whose greatest war-time accomplishment was brokering a peace treaty on ‘Celebrity Apprentice’ between Gary Busey and Meat Loaf belittles you and calls you a loser?” –Jimmy Kimmel

62. “A guy with the worst spray tan in America is attacking me for putting on makeup.”—Marco Rubio

63. “After Donald Trump’s derogatory comments about immigrants, NBC has officially cancelled ‘Celebrity Apprentice.’ Think about it, Donald Trump isn’t even president yet, and he’s already made America a better place.”—Conan O’Brien

64. “Whatever you think about Marco Rubio and Ted Cruz, at least you basically know where they stand, but Trump’s opinions have been wildly inconsistent. He’s been pro-choice and pro-life, for and against assault weapon bans, in favor of both bringing Syrian refugees and deporting them out of the country, and that inconsistency has been troubling…This is the frontrunner for the Republican nomination advocating a war crime. And he might say he was joking or he’s changed his mind about any of these things, and private individuals are allowed to change their minds — we all do it — but when he’s sworn in as president on Jan. 20, 2017, on that day, his opinions are going to matter. And you will remember that date, because it’s the one that time travelers from the future will come back to try and stop the whole thing from happening.” —John Oliver

65. “Did you see Donald Trump’s big announcement today? Trump is very confident. He could be the only presidential candidate to ever pick himself as a running mate.”—Jimmy Kimmel

66. “This is what I’ve been waiting for my whole life. A President who’s not afraid to tell the truth about being a lying asshole!”―Lewis Black

67. Are we really doing this Donald Trump thing? We’re really doing that as a country? He’s fucked. I like to put my name in giant letters on everything I own as much as the next guy, but the only other people that do that are like 8-year-olds going to camp.”—Jon Stewart

68. “At this point Trump is the political equivalent of a phone sex operator. He’s just whispering whatever dirty little racist fantasies Republicans want to hear.”—Michael Che

69. “Miss USA, for example, is owned by Donald Trump—a clown made of mummified foreskin and cotton candy.”—John Oliver

70. “Trump’s performance-art character is butch in the sense that certain gay icons are butch — bikers, cowboys, and the rest of the Village People — and appealing to certain men for similar reasons, one of which is overcompensation for threats against their virility.”—Kevin Williamson

71. “Arguing with Trump is sort of like dressing up an adorable toddler in a Viking outfit and listening to it say that he will raid my village and slaughter all in his path. It’s cute. It’s funny. Maybe it’s even vaguely disturbing if he goes on too long (“I shall hang you from the fence post as a blood eagle! And I have a boom-boom in my diaper, daddy!”). But, just as with Trump’s ranting, the one thing you don’t do is take it seriously.”—Jonah Goldberg

72. “(Donald Trump) might win. He’s got enough ex-wives to vote for him.”—Chris Rock

73. “Over the years, his name has been on some things that have arguably been very un-good, including Trump Shuttle, which no longer exists; Trump Vodka, which was discontinued; Trump Magazine, which folded; Trump World Magazine, which also folded; Trump University, over which he’s being sued; and of course, the travel-booking site GoTrump.com, whose brief existence was, I imagine, a real thorn in the side of anyone hoping GotRump.com featured a single thing worth masturbating to.”—John Oliver

74. “What Donald Trump really reminds me of is a spoiled five-year-old throwing a tantrum. Every time a parent takes the kids’ side over the teachers’ and asks a child where they want to go to dinner or doesn’t say ‘be quiet when adults are talking,’ you are creating the Donald Trumps of tomorrow.”—Bill Maher

75. “Americans are slow and dim and dumb, and they need extra time. If we had a two-month election cycle, they would’ve elected Trump already… For the first couple of months, people were enamored with him. Now, they see his shtick. He has two things: ‘Me build wall. Me great.'”–Bill Maher

76. “If he hadn’t inherited $200 million, you know where Donald Trump would be right now? Selling watches in Manhattan.” – Marco Rubio

77. “Trump is kind of like the movie Snakes on a Plane. Sure the idea is entertaining. But an actual snake on your plane would be terrifying. And that’s what’s happening now. The plane is American democracy. And the snake is Trump.”-–Seth Meyers

78. “The closest Trump ever got to battle was his fight with Rosie O’Donnell.” –Jimmy Kimmel

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79. “There is a lunatic in North Korea trying to get a nuclear weapon and a lunatic trying to get ahold of nuclear weapons in America.” – Marco Rubio


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81. “Trump threatening not to show up for next debate if Megyn Kelly is moderating! I bet he’s so mad he has ‘blood coming out of his wherever.’”—Bette Midler

82. “Donald Trump just talked about his dick during a presidential debate! A dick which I presume looks like a Cheeto with the cheese dust rubbed off.” – John Oliver

83. “He’s always calling me ‘Little Marco’ … and I’ll admit he’s taller than me, he’s 6’2″ which is why I don’t understand why he has hands the size of someone who’s 5’2″. Have you seen his hands? You know what they say about men with small hands.” – Marco Rubio

84. “Did you know Donald Trump’s birthname is Fuckface von Clownstick? I hope that’s all over Twitter.” – Jon Stewart

85. “It is so hot immigrants are coming across the border on slip and slides. That’s how hot it is. It is so hot, Donald Trump hit on Megyn Kelly just to get the cold shoulder. That’s how hot it is, ladies and gentlemen.” –Jay Leno

86. “Trump had medical deferment [during Vietnam] … he had inter-rectum cranial inversion — which means his head is up his ass.” – Jay Leno

87. “This all dates back to when we were growing up together in Kenya… we had constant run-ins on the soccer field. He wasn’t very good and he resented it.” – Barack Obama

88. “What a great honor it must be for you to honor me tonight. I’m so sorry; Donald Trump said that. It’s getting trickier and trickier to satirize this stuff.” — Julia Louis Dreyfus

89. “Now, you might say he’d make a terrible president. I mean, the guy bankrupted his own casino. A casino! Where the House always wins! Unless it’s Donald Trump’s house!”—Lewis Black

90. “Trump is actually doing very well in Nevada. That’s right, Trump appeals to Nevada’s key demographic — people who’ve declared bankruptcy.”—Conan O’Brien

91. “Yes. He was still an odd person then… to me, Donald Trump is not a rich man. Donald Trump is like what a hobo imagines a rich man to be. Like Trump was walking around under an underpass, and he heard some guy like ‘Ohh, as soon as my number comes in, I’m gonna put up tall buildings with my name on ’em! I’ll have fine golden hair, and a TV show where I fire Gene Simmons with my children.’ And Trump was like ‘That is how I will live my life.’” – John Mulaney

92. “[Donald Trump’s] not good at running for president, he’s just good at ‘Family Feud.’ And these other people are terrible at ‘Family Feud.’ So when the Steve Harvey of this election is like ‘Name something that is bothering Americans,’ and Ted Cruz is like ‘Benghazi!’ [buzzer noise]. But then Trump is like ‘All the problems.’ And that’s the number one answer.”—John Mulaney

93. “Donald Trump can seem appealing until you take a closer look, much like the lunch buffet at a strip club, or the NFL or having a pet chimpanzee,” he added. “Sure it seems fun, but some day Coco is gonna tear your fucking limbs off.”—John Oliver

94. “I was in the elevator alone with him, just by chance. And he just looked so miserable. He looks so unhappy. And all that money… I realize this is weird, he has all those billions of dollars. But he’s fucking billion dollars, because he needs a $100 billion to look in the mirror and not want to kill himself.”—Louis CK

95. “Today is the Republican caucus in Nevada, and Donald Trump is projected to win. When asked why they’re voting for him, Americans said, ‘We’re used to doing things in Nevada that we’ll regret tomorrow.'”—Conan O’Brien

96. “Is Trump seriously just now realizing his supporters are a bunch of window-licking water heads? Donald, you are talking to the craziest people in the country. You could literally take off your shoe mid-speech, hold it up to your ear, say you’re getting a call from Batman and they would be quiet until you hung up your shoe.”—Michael Che

97. “People are like, ‘I like Trump; he says what he thinks. What he thinks is stupid. That’s like if your friend is like, ‘I would like to fuck your mom.’ Why would you say that? … I don’t give a shit if you’re politically correct, just be correct, correct.”—Jon Stewart

98. “I don’t believe that Donald Trump is a racist. He’s just pandering to the most prejudiced segment of the country. He’s hustling them. […] None of what he’s saying is true. You don’t just develop racism overnight on the campaign trail. Racism is embedded deep down in a person’s soul. I’ve looked into that man’s eyes. Donald Trump doesn’t have a soul.”—Michael Che

99. “Yeah, things are different. Donald Trump is leading in the polls. I’m going back (in a coma).”—Tracy Morgan

100. “Does Trump really think this bizarre show of faux-majesty is in any way regal? Because it’s actually kind of insane watching him stomp down the sidewalk on a carpet that’s being unspooled by two slobs who would be his sons if they weren’t to the tacky manor born. And it also sums up Donald Trump perfectly — what he thinks is spectacular is merely spectacularly low-rent to the rest of us.”—Tom Scharpling