In case you pull into my driveway and honk, you’d higher be delivering a package deal, since you’re positive not choosing something up.
You don’t contact my daughter in entrance of me. It’s possible you’ll look at her, as long as you don’t peer at something under her neck. In case you can not hold your eyes or arms off of my daughter’s physique, I’ll take away them.
I’m conscious that it’s thought-about modern for boys of your age to put on their trousers so loosely that they look like falling off their hips. Please don’t take this as an insult, however you and your whole pals are full idiots. Nonetheless, I wish to be honest and open minded about this situation, so I suggest his compromise: It’s possible you’ll come to the door along with your underwear exhibiting and your pants ten sizes too huge, and I cannot object. Nevertheless, in an effort to be sure that your garments don’t, the truth is, come off in the course of the course of your date with my daughter, I’ll take my electrical nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
I am positive you have been advised that in as we speak’s world, intercourse with out using a “barrier technique” of some sort can kill you. Let me elaborate: on the subject of intercourse, I’m the barrier, and I’ll kill you.
To ensure that us to get to know one another, chances are you’ll suppose we should always speak about sports activities, politics, and different problems with the day. Please don’t do that. The one info I require from you is a sign of whenever you anticipate to have my daughter safely again at my home, and the one phrase I would like from you on his topic is “early.”
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many alternatives so far different women. That is fantastic with me so long as it’s okay with my daughter. In any other case, upon getting gone out with my little lady, you’ll proceed so far nobody however her till she is completed with you. In case you make her cry, I’ll make you cry.
As you stand in my entrance hallway, ready for my daughter to seem, and greater than an hour goes by, don’t sigh and fidget. If you wish to be on time for the film, you shouldn’t be relationship. My daughter is placing on her make-up, a course of that may take longer than portray the Golden Gate Bridge. As a substitute of simply standing there, why do not you do one thing helpful, like altering the oil in my automotive?
The next locations usually are not applicable for a date with my daughter: Locations the place there are beds, sofas, or something softer than a wood stool. Locations the place there are not any mother and father, policemen, or nuns inside eyesight. Locations the place there’s darkness. Locations the place there’s dancing, holding arms, or happiness. Locations the place the ambient temperature is heat sufficient to induce my Daughter to put on shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or something aside from overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped as much as her throat. Motion pictures with a robust romantic or sexual theme are to be averted. Motion pictures, which characteristic chainsaws, are okay. Hockey video games are okay. Outdated of us properties are higher.
Don’t mislead me. I’ll look like a pot-bellied, balding, middle-aged, dim-witted has-been. However on points regarding my daughter, I’m the all-knowing, cruel god of your universe. If I ask you the place you’re going and with whom, you’ve got one likelihood to inform me the reality, the entire fact and nothing however the fact. I’ve a shotgun, a shovel, and 5 acres behind the home. Don’t trifle with me.
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes little or no for me to mistake the sound of your automotive within the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy exterior of Hanoi. When my Agent Orange begins performing up, the voices in my head ceaselessly inform me to scrub the weapons as I wait so that you can deliver my daughter house. As quickly as you pull into the driveway it’s best to exit your automotive with each arms in plain sight. Converse the perimeter password, announce in a transparent voice that you’ve introduced my daughter house safely and early, then return to your automotive – there is no such thing as a want so that you can come inside. The camouflaged face on the window is mine.