True Story From the WordPerfect HelpLine

helpline

“Computer assistance, may I help you?”

CUSTOMER: “Yes, well, I’m having trouble with WordPerfect.”

SERVICE: “What sort of trouble?”

CUSTOMER: “Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.”

SERVICE: “Went away?”

CUSTOMER: “They disappeared.”

SERVICE: “Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?”

CUSTOMER: “Nothing.”

SERVICE: “Nothing?”

CUSTOMER: “It’s blank; it won’t accept anything when I type.”

SERVICE: “Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?”

CUSTOMER: “How do I tell?”

SERVICE: “Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?”

CUSTOMER: “What’s a sea prompt?”

SERVICE: “Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?”

CUSTOMER: “There isn’t any cursor. I told you, it won’t accept anything I type.”

SERVICE: “Does your monitor have a power indicator?”

CUSTOMER: “What’s a monitor?”

SERVICE: “It’s the thing with the screen on it that looks like a T.V. Does it have a little light that tells you when it is on?”

CUSTOMER: “I don’t know.”

SERVICE: “Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?”

CUSTOMER: “Yes, I think so.”

SERVICE: “Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it’s plugged into the wall.”

CUSTOMER: “Yes, it is.”

SERVICE: “When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?”

CUSTOMER: “No.”

SERVICE: “Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.”

CUSTOMER: “Okay, here it is.”

SERVICE: “Follow it for me, and tell me if it’s plugged securely into the back of your computer.”

CUSTOMER: “I can’t reach.”

SERVICE: “Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?”

CUSTOMER: “No.”

SERVICE: “Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?”

CUSTOMER: “Oh, it’s not because I don’t have the right angle – it’s because it’s dark.”

SERVICE: “Dark?”

CUSTOMER: “Yes, the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.”

SERVICE: “Well, turn on the office light then.”

CUSTOMER: “I can’t.”

SERVICE: “No? Why not?”

CUSTOMER: “Because there’s a power failure.”

SERVICE: “A power… A power failure? Aha, Okay, we’ve got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?”

CUSTOMER: “Well, yes. I keep them in the closet.”

SERVICE: “Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.”

CUSTOMER: “Really? Is it that bad?”

SERVICE: “Yes, I’m afraid it is.”

CUSTOMER: “Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?”

SERVICE: “Tell them you’re too fucking stupid to own a computer.”