- Sex is like maths. You add the man and woman, subtract the clothes, divide the legs, and pray you don’t multiply!
- A terrorist captured a bus load of Quora Partners and threatened to release one every half hour unless his demands were met.
- The Pope called the College of Cardinals to the Vatican and announced, “I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that the Second Coming is imminent. Our Lord will return on Tuesday week.”
One of the cardinals interjected, “With good news like that, how can there be any bad news?”
And the Pope replied sadly, “The email came in from Salt Lake City.”
- There were two little skunks named In and Out.
In was always out and Out was always in.
One day, Out’s mother said to Out, go out and find In and bring In in.
So Out went out looking for In and in just a few minutesthey returned.
Out’s mother was very pleased and asked, “How did you find him so quickly?”
And Out said, “Instinct!”
- A man walked into a lingerie store and said, “I’d like to buy a bra for my wife”
“What type of bra?”
“There’s more than one type?”
“Look around,” said the assistant, as she showed a vast array of bras in every shape, size, colour and material. “Actually, even with all this variety there are really only three types. Catholic, Salvation Army and Baptist. It’s all very simple, really. The Catholic bra supports the masses, the Salvation Army bra lifts the fallen, and the Baptist bra makes mountains out of mole hills.”
- A priest and parson driving on country road hit a rabbit and killed it. Stone dead.
The parson pulls up, gets out of car with the priest and prays over bunny before turning back to the car.
The Priest says, “Just a minute.”
He pulls out a vial of liquid, sprinkles a few drops on the bunny which then leaps to its feet and sprints off across country.
“My word,” says the parson. “That holy water is powerful stuff.”
“It isn’t holy water,” said the priest. “It’s hare restorer.”
- A music critic was enthralled when he went to a concert and found a tiny pianist, only about a foot tall, playing a baby grand piano. After the performance he went backstage and asked the little guy’s agent where he found him.
He said, “It was a bit odd, really. I was in Dublin waiting to cross Grafton Street when I heard a voice beside me say, ‘Would ye be kind enough to help me through the traffic, sir?’
“I looked down and saw a little fellow, all dressed in green, so I took his hand, and we crossed the road. When we reached the other side he said, ‘Oi am King Bryan of the leprechauns and for yer kindness I’ll be grantin’ yer any wish ye like.
I don’t know if it was the noise of the traffic or my Australian accent, but I ended up with a twelve inch pianist.”
- Two scholars were arguing the merits of Keats and Shakespeare. They found no common ground so the Shakespearean pointed to a bow-legged old man, hobbling up the hill on his walking stick. He said, “How would Keats describe him?”
“Behold the man who yonder went, with legs so bowed and back so bent. How would Shakespeare have put it?”
“Forsooth, what manner of man is this, who carries his balls in parenthesis?”
- What is the difference between Scots, Welsh, Irish and English?
The Scots keep the Sabbath, and anything else they can get their hands on.
The Welsh pray to God, and prey on their neighbours.
The Irish aren’t certain what they believe in, and will fight to the death to defend it.
And the English consider themselves “self-made men”, which must spare God a great deal of embarrassment.
- A man is going to a physician. He is waving his hand on his right side from shoulders to knees: “Sir, I have pains on my right side from here down to there.” The doctor has tried pills, irradiation, acupuncture. None of the methods have cured the patient. Finally the doctor is telling to the patient: “We have no other option than to cut off your testicles.” The man is visiting a tailor after the castration: “Make me trousers.” The tailor is asking him: “Mr. X., on which side of your trousers do you put your eggs?” Poor Mr. X. is asking him angrily: “Why are you asking this sensitive question from me?” Tailor: “I beg your pardon, mister, but if I tailor the wrong trouser leg narrower then you will feel unbearable pain from from shoulders to knees.