The real meaning of real estate terms

  • Unusual location: In the path of a projected motorway.
  • Local authority grants available: About to be condemned.
  • Period residence: Built in the last two years.
  • Select neighborhood: Beside sewage works.
  • Compact: Tiny.
  • Country gentleman’s residence: No longer suitable for agricultural tenants.
  • Unusual features: No roof.
  • Delightful rural location: In flight path of nuclear bomber base.
  • Box room: Suitable for accommodating one or two large cardboard boxes, Folded.
  • A wealth of period features: Your self, dry rot, rising damp and an electrical circuit best operated in rubber gloves and wellies.
  • Quite, secluded setting: On site of proposed dormitory town.
  • Well situated: In full view of the neighbors.
  • Within easy distance of: Next door to a pub and opposite a sex shop local amenities.
  • Rare opportunity to buy: No one else want’s it.
  • For the gardening enthusiast: Grounds like a jungle.
  • Extensively modernized: Former DIY owner had a breakdown under the strain.
  • Unspoilt: Planning permission granted for field next door.
  • Deceptive appearance: It looks terrible.
  • Partial central heating: The room above the boiler can get warm in summer.
  • Easily maintained: Requires at least two gardeners and live-in maid.
  • Useful outbuildings: No inside toilet.
  • Much sought after: It’s been on the market at least twice before and still no one wants it.
  • By private treaty: If it went to auction it would never reach the reserve price.
  • Owner eager to sell: If it goes within a week the subsidence cracks won’t be noticed.
  • Subject to new instructions: They have just discovered death watch beetle.
  • Sold: Unless idiots like you offer a higher price.