Never pick a fight with an ugly person, they’ve got nothing to lose.
We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.
Reality is just a crutch for people who can’t cope with drugs.
Do you think God gets stoned? I think so . . . look at the platypus.
God gave men a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
What’s right is what’s left if you do everything else wrong.
Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?
Cocaine is God’s way of saying you’re making too much money.
[Imitating a Frenchman] Fuck you Americans! Uncultured, crass Americans! We hate all of you! Fu- the Germans are here! Hello Americans! We love you!
When I was growing up they used to say, “Robin, drugs can kill you.” Now that I’m 58 my doctor’s telling me, “Robin, you need drugs to live.” I realize now that my doctor is also my dealer…
I went to rehab [for alcoholism] in wine country, just to keep my options open.
I was once on a German talk show, and this woman said to me, “Mr. Williams, why do you think there is not so much comedy in Germany?” And I said, “Did you ever think you killed all the funny people?”
If there was a pill that allowed you to drink and not get drunk, an alcoholic would go “What happens if you take two?”
As an alcoholic, you will violate your standards quicker than you can lower them.