Did you know the guard at the Samsung store is a Guardian of the Galaxy?
What’s the worst thing about throwing a party on the moon? You have to planet.
Why can’t you have a good party on the moon? It has no atmosphere.
Yesterday, a clown held the door open for me. I thought it was a nice jester.
It was an emotional wedding – even the cake was in tiers.
There was an explosion at a cheese factory in Paris. De-Brie everywhere.
Why couldn’t the bike stand up on its own? It was two tired.
When’s the best time to go to the dentist? Two-thirty
Did you hear the joke about the German sausage? It was the wurst.
What do you do when a chemist dies? Barium.
Dead batteries were given away free of charge.
I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.
Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.
I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down.
I wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.
I’d tell you a chemistry joke but I know I wouldn’t get a reaction.
A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game. (*cough*Alex*cough*)
A courtroom artist was arrested today for an unknown reason… details are sketchy.
I’m glad I know sign language, it’s pretty handy.
eBay is so useless. I tried to look up lighters and all they had was 13,749 matches.
I am on a seafood diet. Every time I see food, I eat it.
Why did the scientist install a knocker on his door? He wanted to win the No-bell prize!
I’m taking part in a stair climbing competition. Guess I better step up my game.
My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned: couldn’t concentrate.
A book just fell on my head. I’ve only got myshelf to blame.
Claustrophobic people are more productive thinking out of the box.
I hate insects puns, they really bug me.
I wanna make a joke about sodium, but Na..
Did you hear about the Italian chef with a terminal illness? He pastaway.
Why didn’t the skeleton go to prom? Cause he had no body to dance with.
I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
What do prisoners use to call each other? Cell phones.
I saw an ad for burial plots, and thought to myself this is the last thing I need.
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
My math teacher called me average. How mean!
I found a rock yesterday which measured 1760 yards in length. Must be some kind of milestone.
I was going to give him a nasty look, but he already had one.
What day do chickens hate the most? Friday.
Last time I got caught stealing a calendar I got 12 months.
Is the pool safe for diving? It deep-ends.