Best dialogues by Sheldon Cooper in The Big Bang Theory?
Sheldon: Leonard, as soon as we get home, I want to have coitus with Amy. *Checks for Amy’s reaction* Okay, she can’t hear.
Penny: Sheldon, we know this is a sensitive subject, and Leonard’s not going to move out until you’re ready.
Sheldon: What if you did it gradually?
Leonard: All right, how about we start with two nights a week I live with Penny?
Sheldon: How about one night and I let you whistle?
Sheldon: When I’m not home.
Penny: Oh, big deal. Not knowing is part of the fun.
Sheldon: “Not knowing is part of the fun.” Was that the motto of your community college?
Sheldon: I wouldn’t tell you the secret. Sssh!
Leonard: What secret? Tell me the secret.
Sheldon: Mom smokes in the car. Jesus is okay with it, but we can’t tell dad.
Leonard: Not that secret, the other secret.
Sheldon: I’m Batman! Ssssh!
Sheldon: At my age do you know how I’m statistically most likely to die?
Leonard: At the hands of your room mate?
Sheldon: An accident.
Leonard: That’s how I’m going to make it look.
Sheldon: I know the real reason you never made progress with that idea. You thought of it September 22nd 2007. Two days later, Penny moved in and so much blood rushed to your genitals, your brain became a ghost town.
Sheldon: Stop it both of you! All this fighting, I might as well be back with my parents!
*Imitating his Mom* Dammit, George! I told you if you didn’t quit drinking I would leave you!
*Imitating his Dad* Well, I guess that makes you a liar, because I’m drunk as hell and you are still here!
*Imitating his Mom* Stop yelling, you’re making Sheldon cry!
*Imitating his Dad* I’ll tell you what is making Sheldon cry, that I let you name him SHELDON!
Leonard: It wasn’t until his twenty-first birthday that 1955 Biff placed his first bet.
Sheldon: Wow wow wow. Is ‘placed’ right?
Leonard: What do you mean?
Sheldon: Is ‘placed’ the right tense for something that would have happened in the future of a past that was affected by something from the future?
Leonard: ‘Had will have placed’?
Sheldon: That’s my boy.
Raj: Did you go to your prom?
Sheldon: No. I had a date with a proper education. Instead of a tuxedo, I dressed myself in good habits. Instead of spiked punch, I enjoyed the intoxicating flavor of knowledge. Instead of dancing in a gym, I shook my bootie to the seductive rhythms-
Penny: Okay, okay.
Sheldon: -of AP calculus.
Sheldon: Leonard, you may be right. It appears that Penny secretly wants you in her life in a very intimate and carnal fashion.
Leonard: You really think so?
Sheldon: Of course not. Even in my sleep-deprived state, I’ve managed to pull off another one of my classic pranks. Bazinga!
Sheldon: You bought me a present? Why would you do such a thing? I know you think you’re being generous, but the foundation of gift giving is reciprocity. You haven’t given me a gift, you’ve given me an obligation. The essence of the custom is that I now have to go out and purchase for you a gift of commensurate value and representing the same perceived level of friendship as that represented by the gift you’ve given me. Ah, it’s no wonder suicide rates skyrocket this time of year. Oh, I brought this on myself by being such an endearing and important part of your life…
Sheldon: Are you upset about something?
Leonard: What was your first clue?
Sheldon: Well, it was a number of things. First, the late hour, then you demeanor seems very low energy, plus your irritability.
Leonard: Yes, I’m upset!
Sheldon: Oh. I don’t usually pick up on those things. Good for me.
Leonard: Yeah, good for you.
Sheldon: (walks away and then turns back) Oh, wait. Did you want to talk about what’s bothering you?
Leonard: I don’t know. Maybe.
Sheldon: Wow! I’m on fire tonight.
Leonard: What’s a dogapus?
Sheldon: A hybrid dog and octopus. Man’s underwater best friend.
Leonard: There’s someone working on that?
Sheldon: I was going to. I planned on giving it to myself for my 300th birthday.
Leonard: Wait a minute you hate dogs.
Sheldon: A dogapus can play fetch with eight balls; no one can hate that.