Billionaire real estate tycoon and reality TV personality Donald Trump just announced he will be running for president.
1. His wig will have its own motorcade.
2. Expressing a preference for staying alive, Trump refuses Secret Service protection. State militias will be deployed instead.
3. Economic Miracle number one: Replace all cash with poker chips.
4. Donald Trump gets a great deal on 13 circus elephants, hoping to corner the market on right wing branding. Instead they become slow cooked fodder for the hickory smokers of the Georgia state militia.
5. Economic Miracle number two: Welcome to Casino Capitalism. Place your bets, America.
6. Complimentary cocktails for every high roller. This offer does not apply to the Secret Service.
7. A letter from 47 senators demands that he remove the huge Trump sign from the roof of the White House.
8. Economic Miracle number three: edible food stamps. They taste like chicken.
9. Changing the national anthem from “The Star-Spangled Banner” to “The Gambler.”
10. It takes less than a month from Trump’s inauguration for an impeachment panel to declare “you’re fired.”