Russian President Putin called President  Obama with an emergency: “Our largest condom factory has exploded,” the Russian President cried. “My people’s favorite form of birth control. This is a true disaster!” “Mr. Putin, the American people would be happy to do anything within their power to help you,” replied the President. “I do need your help” said Putin. “Could you possibly send 1,000,000 condoms as soon as possible to tide us over?” “Why certainly! I’ll get right on it,”said Obama. “Oh, and one more small favor, please?” said Putin. “Yes?” “Could the condoms be red in color and at least 10″ long and 4″ inRead More →

– No, Mother, I cannot feel your church group praying for my safety. The fact that I’m home safe does not prove that it worked. That logic is post hoc ergo propter hoc. No, I’m not sassing you in Eskimo talk. – Hello, Penny. I realize you’re currently at the mercy of your primitive biological urges, but as you have an entire lifetime of poor decisions ahead of you, may I interrupt this one? – You think you’re so clever. Well, let me just tell you, while I do not currently have a scathing retort, you check your email periodically for a doozy. – TheyRead More →

We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note… these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE! 1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down. 1. Sunday sports. It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be. 1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way. 1. Crying is blackmail.Read More →