Man tips for all women

We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note… these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports. It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
1. If you won’t dress like the Victoria’s Secret girls, don’t expect us to act like soap opera guys.
1. If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing’s wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine…Really.
1. Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.
1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men  really don’t mind that? It’s like camping out.

Pass this to as many men as you can – to give them a laugh.
Pass this to as many women as you can – to give them a bigger laugh!!

Sarcastic Quotes

  • You are not as bad as people say, you are much, much worse.
  • Now we know why some animals eat their own children.
  • Please, keep talking. I always yawn when I am interested.
  • Talk is cheap, but that’s ok, so are you.
  • If we killed everybody who hates you, it wouldn’t be murder…it would be an apocalypse!
  • This is an excellent time for you to become a missing person.
  • I’m busy now. Can I ignore you some other time?
  • When I look into your eyes, I see straight through to the back of your head.
  • A sharp tongue does not mean you have a keen mind.
  • Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn’t have given you any worse advice.
  • Are you always this stupid or are you making a special effort today.
  • Do you want me to accept you as you are, or do you want me to lie to myself and try to like you?
  • Don’t let your mind wander, it’s far too small to be let out on its own.
  • Don’t thank me for insulting you, it was a pleasure.
  • Don’t you realize that there are enough people to hate in the world already without you putting in so much effort to give us another?
  • He always finds himself lost in thought; it’s unfamiliar territory.
  • I bet you get bullied a lot.
  • I can tell that you are lying, your lips are moving.
  • I don’t know what makes you so dumb but it really works.
  • I don’t mind you talking so much, as long as you don’t mind me not listening.
  • I don’t think you are a fool, but what’s my opinion compared to that of thousands of others.
  • I know you are nobody’s fool, but maybe someone will adopt you one day.
  • I like you. People say I’ve got no taste, but I like you.
  • I used to think that you were a colossal pain in the neck. Now I have a much lower opinion of you.
  • I will defend, to your death, my right to my opinion.
  • I would have liked to insult you, but the sad truth is that you wouldn’t understand me.
  • I’d like to see things from your point of view, but I can’t seem to get my head that far up your ass.
  • If you were twice as smart as you are now, you’d be absolutely stupid.
  • I’m glad to see you’re not letting your education get in the way of your ignorance.
  • I’m impressed, I’ve never met such a small mind inside such a big head before.
  • I’ve come across rotting bodies that are less offensive than you are.
  • Pardon me, but you’re obviously mistaking me for someone who gives a damn.
  • People would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.
  • She’s the first in her family born without tail.
  • That man is cruelly depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
  • There are several people in this world that I find unbearably obnoxious, and you are all of them.
  • What he is lacking in intelligence, he more than makes up for in stupidity.
  • Whatever it is that is eating you, it must be suffering horribly.
  • What’s wrong, don’t you get any attention back home?
  • You are not even beneath my contempt.
  • You are not obnoxious like so many other people, you are obnoxious in a completely different and far worse way.
  • You grow on people, but so does cancer.
  • You have an inferiority complex and it is fully justified.
  • You should do some soul-searching. You might just find one.
  • You would never be able to live down to your reputation, but I see you’re doing your best.
  • Your mind isn’t so much twisted as badly sprained.
  • You’re a habit I’d like to kick – with both feet.