The Dangers of Bread

  1. More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread eaters.
  2. Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households score below average on standardized tests.
  3. In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever and influenza ravaged whole nations.
  4. More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of eating bread.
  5. Bread is made from a substance called "dough." It has been proven that as little as one pound of dough can be used to suffocate a mouse. The average American eats more bread than that in one month!
  6. Primitive tribal societies that have no bread exhibit a low occurrence of cancer, Alzheimer’s, Parkinson’s disease and osteoporosis.
  7. Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and given only water to eat begged for bread after only two days.
  8. Bread is often a "gateway" food item, leading the user to "harder" items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter and even cold cuts.
  9. Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body is more than 90 percent water, it follows that eating bread could lead to your body being taken over by this absorptive food product, turning you into a soggy, gooey bread-pudding person.
  10. Newborn babies can choke on bread.
  11. Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 400 degrees Fahrenheit! That kind of heat can kill an adult in less than one minute.
  12. Most American bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling.

Learn something new every day!

   A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.

   A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.

   A crocodile cannot stick out its tongue.

   A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours.

   A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.

   A "jiffy" is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.

   A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.

   A snail can sleep for three years.

   Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.

   All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the
back of the $5 bill.

   Almonds are a member of the peach family.

   An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

   Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until the child
reaches 2 to 6 years of age.

   Butterflies taste with their feet.

   Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds.

   Dogs only have about 10.

   "Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt."

   February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full

   In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.

   If the population of China walked past you, in single file the line
would never end because of the rate of reproduction.

   If you are an average American, in your whole life, you will spend an
average of 6 months waiting at red lights.

   It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.

   Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.

   Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable

   No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or

   On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament
building is an American flag.

   Our eyes are always the same size from birth,

   but our nose and ears never stop growing.

   Peanuts are one of the ingredients in dynamite.

   Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.

   "Stewardesses" is the longest word typed with only the left hand;
"lollipop" with your right.

   The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.

   The Bible does not say there were three wise men; it only says there
were three gifts.

   The cruise liner, QE2, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel
that it burns.

   The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube
and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.

   The sentence: "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every
letter of the alphabet.

   The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze completely

   The words 'racecar,' 'kayak' and 'level' are the same whether they are
read left to right or right to left (palindromes).

   There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.

   There are more chickens than people in the world.

   There are only four words in the English language which end in "dous":
   tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.

   There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels
in order: "abstemious" and "facetious."

   There's no Betty Rubble in the Flintstones Chewables Vitamins.

   Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.

   TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only
on one row of the keyboard.

   Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.

   Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

   Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks;
otherwise it will digest itself.

   Now you know everything!

I Love Her, But…

…she has an uncanny way of standing between me and the television screen. Bases loaded, two strikes, three balls. The crowd goes wild, the pitch flies, and all I can see is her butt.
– Howard, Dodge City, KS

…she was furious when I got up early once and made her breakfast. Called me controlling. How dare I decide that she would eat breakfast, let alone what she’d have?
– Ted, Wexford, PA

…what’s mine is hers. I buy her negligees; she sleeps in my T-shirts. When she’s cold she wears my wool socks to bed, never her own. She steals my half-used razors; new ones are too sharp. She even wears my boxers. I’m tempted to switch to briefs just to see what she’d do.
– Dave, Martha’s Vineyard, MA

…she makes lists; things to buy, things to do, people to call. If it’s not on the list, it doesn’t get done. Once, to be funny, I put “sex” on the list. Mistake. Now it has to be on the list, or it doesn’t get done.
– Nick, Wheeling, WV

…you can hear her eat soup from the next room.
– Bruce, Bridgewater, NJ

…when she gets an idea in her head, there’s no stopping her. And no rest for anyone until it’s done. It’s not so bad when the idea is to bake cookies, or even to go on vacation. But when it’s to build a new house, or to get pregnant, things get pretty intense.
– Jim, Minneapolis, MN

…my wife thinks everyone should be a vegetarian. During meals, she asks people how they can eat dead cows, or if they know that their pork chops used to be smarter than their dogs.
– Miles, Shreveport, LA

…every so often boom! Shes a brunette. Or I come home to a redhead. Actually, I have no idea what her natural color is.
– Cary, Seattle, WA

…she’ll brush her teeth but she won’t go to the dentist. She says she’s not afraid of the pain; she just doesn’t want to put herself in the hands of any fellow who’d choose to be a dentist.
– Terence, Gary, IN

…she’s stopped shaving her legs. She says that now people will know she’s a natural blonde.
– Ned, Tucson, AZ

…she takes her half of the bed out of the middle.
– Robin, Gladwyne, PA

…have you ever seen a woman with green crust and slime smeared over her face, dark holes for her nostrils? Do you think you’d be able to sleep at night, knowing that creature is next to you?
– Arthur, Cedar City, UT

…my wife’s allergic to everything. Her nose is chronically stuffed. If I kissed her on the mouth, she’d suffocate.
– Bryan, Toledo, OH

…after sex, I mean the second after, she continues where she left off. Her eyes open and before you can breathe, you hear, “…and, oh, yeah, I have to defrost the chicken, and your mother wants you to pick up her dry cleaning…”
– Jimmy, Fort Lauderdale, FL

…in bed I’m her high school teacher, captain of the football team, her boss, the bad boy, a waiter, a lifeguard, a telephone repairman, a cop. Once in a while I’d like to be me.
– Neil, Orlando, FL

…she wears these false eyelashes. She left ’em lying around and I slammed ’em with my newspaper, tried to kill the damn things. Scared me half to death.
– Gordon, Oklahoma City, OK

…she takes those soaps too seriously. I’ll come home and find her in tears because some character died. Or upset that some nonexistent guy’s having a fictional affair.
– Archie, St. Louis, MO

…she will not shop at discount stores or sales. She thinks they’re crowded and plebeian. She doesn’t even look at the reduced rack, other than, perhaps, for gifts for my mother.
– Conrad, Wilmington, DE

…it annoys her that our children look like me.
– James, New Orleans, LA

…counting my wife and our teenage girls, that’s four women. Somebody’s always got PMS.
– Everett, Little Rock, AR

…with five kids, I don’t have time to complain about my wife. I don’t have time to notice her.
– Bob, Charleston, WV