You Know You are In College

1. High school started before 8am, but now anything before noon is considered “early.”

2. You have more beer than food in your fridge.

3. Weekends start on Thursday. No… Wednesday.

4. 6am is when you go to sleep, not when you wake up.

5. You know many different ways to cook ramen noodles or macaroni and cheese.

6. The health center gives out free condoms, and people take them… just in case.

7. Instead of falling asleep in class, you stay in bed.

8. You know how late McDonald’s, Taco Bell, Qdoba, etc. are open.

9. You think it’s the weekend on a Wednesday and you don’t know what month it is.

10. You can’t remember the last time you washed your car.

11. Your underwear/sock supply dictates your laundry schedule.

12. You check Facebook/Myspace more than once a day.

13. You get drunk dialed on any night of the week.

14. You wash dishes in the bathroom sink.

15. You’ve fallen off a loft bed.

16. You talk about beer pong like it’s a sport.

17. Finding random people in your house is perfectly normal, and you even sympathize with them… sometimes when you wake up you have no idea where you are.

18. Your primary news sources are the Daily Show and the Colbert Report.

19. You open a beer at 10 am and your roommate asks you if there’s more.

20. The standard of meals per day falls to two, sometimes just one.

21. Your trash is overflowing and your bank account isn’t.

22. You go to Target or Wal-Mart more than 3 times a week.

23. You wear the same jeans for 13 days without washing them.

24. Your breakfast consists of a coke or cereal bar on the way to class… anything with caffeine will do.

25. Quarters are like gold.

26. Your idea of feeding the poor is buying yourself some ramen noodles.

27. You live in a house with three couches, none of which match.

28. You try to study but seem to procrastinate by eating, going to study breaks, talking to people, etc…

29. You talk to your roommate on instant messenger when you’re both home.

30. You ask people what YOU did last night.

31. Certain things are now deemed ”
facebook worthy.” When friends take pictures of you, you wonder how long it will take them to post them.

32. You’ve seen a hit and run involving a bicyclist/pedestrian.

33. You see people you know you’ve met but can never remember their names or how you know them.

34. You sleep more in class than in your room

35. Your idea of a square meal is a box of Pop-Tarts.

36. You’ve traveled with bags of dirty clothes.

37. You go home to do your laundry because you’re too poor to pay the $2… or too lazy to go to a change machine.

38. You pay $100 for a book you don’t read once, return it four months later, and get $7.

39. More than 20% of your household furnishings are made from milk crates.

40. You recognize the meat in the dorm soup as yesterday’s meatloaf, and thus decide to eat a nice bowl of cereal – a safe bet for any meal.

41. You use words like “thus” (see 40).

42. You throw out bowls and plates because you don’t feel like washing them.

43. Your beer pong table is nicer than all your other tables.

44. It takes preparation… and 3 people… to take out your garbage.

45. Going to the library is a social event.

46. You wear flip flops in the shower your freshman year… you know why.

47. You start joining clubs because of the free food.

48. Visits home depend on how much money you have for gas.

49. You skip one class to write a paper for another.

50. You have no idea where your tuition money is going… technology fees? I think not.

51. Bicycles don’t seem as lame as they did in high school.

52. You stay up late to finish homework then sleep through the class in which it was due.

53. Girls: You’ve balanced your foot on a shampoo bottle to shave.

54. Your backpack is giving you scoliosis.

55. You’ve written a check for 45 cents or stopped to get $2.00 of gas.

56. Your bill in the bookstore will be comparable to tuition.

57. Going to the mailbox becomes an ego booster/breaker.

58. Most of your T.A.s are foreign…what’s the deal?

59. You never realized so many people are smarter than you.

60. You never realized so many people are more dumb (aka “dumber”) than you.

61. Western Europe could be wiped out by a terrible plague and you’d never know, but you can recite the last episode of your favorite show verbatim.

62. Care packages rank right up there with birthdays.

63. You craft ways to make any game into a drinking/stripping game.

64. You meet the type of people you thought only existed in movies.

65. Printers break down only when you desperately need them.

66. Anything can be cooked in a microwave.

67. Two words: bike cops.

68. You have Safe Ride programmed into your phone.

69. Old school Nintendo… and guitar hero… are pretty much the best things ever.

70. Going to the grocery at midnight is completely normal.

71. You call restaurants that deliver more than you call your own family.

72. You’ve paid bills over $5… in coins.

73. You can’t imagine life without your computer/cell phone/ ipod.

74. Hoodies and sweatpants become the norm – jeans are considered “dressy” at certain occasions… like school.

75. A canceled class is almost as exciting as Christmas.

76. Taking a nap in the library is perfectly acceptable.

77. Your professors speak English… as a second language.

78. Your teachers swear in class and no one cares.

79. Candles in your dorm room are considered contraband, but cigarettes are ok.

80. You take condiment packets and napkins from fast food restaurants – hey, they’re free.

81. Betta fish are like your family.

82. You bring back socks from the laundry room that may or may not be yours.

83. You know what people carrying suspiciously heavy backpacks after dark are doing…

84. The elevators take forever but you’ll wait 10 minutes just so you don’t have to climb stairs.

85. Your roommate asks you to check the weather on your computer when they’re standing 5 feet away from the door.

86. Showers become more of an issue.

87. You press the automatic door opener instead of simply grabbing the handle when you approach a door.

88. Christmas lights seem to be acceptable all year round.

89. Class size doubles on exam days.

90. You donate plasma even though you know it’s pretty sketchy.

91. You are no longer thankful that fire alarms are here to protect you.

92. You’ve bought Christmas presents from the book store and charged it to your student account so your parents pay for the gifts because you’re too broke.

93. You begin to include ketchup on your list of acceptable vegetables.

94. You stay on campus for hours in between classes when it’s too cold to walk home.

95. People have to help you kick the vending machine just so you can get your 50 cent bag of chips.

96. There’s always a “question kid” in at least one of your classes, and you really wish someone would just tell him/her to shut the hell up.

97. You steal dishes from the cafeteria so you don’t have to wash your own.

98. Laundry is an all-day event.

99. You no longer find it uncool to take naps. In fact, you quite enjoy them.

100. It’s illegal to drink in the dorms yet they sell an assortment of shot glasses, beer mugs, tankards, etc. in the bookstore.

101. You find your list of acceptable napping places expanding daily to increasingly uncomfortable locations.

102. You fill out credit card applications for the free food.

103. You’ve eaten cereal out of a cup… with a fork.

104. Dressing up for Halloween becomes cool again.

105. You know at least one person who has dropped his/her cell phone into a toilet.

106. You hang multiple shirts on the same hanger to save space/money.

107. You become increasingly annoyed with the “old” people in class – props to them for going back to college but they generally ask really, really annoying questions.

108. You admire people’s alcohol bottle shrines.

109. You set your clock 5-10 minutes ahead so you can potentially make it to class on time.

110. You eventually realize that setting your clock ahead makes no difference to you and you’re still late.

111. You check (or something of the like) before choosing your class schedule.

112. You text faster than you type.

113. You only find out a class is cancelled after you get there and sit for about ten minutes.

114. You actually start using coupons, especially those school coupon books.

115. You open canned food and eat it… out of the can.

116. You run out of black ink and, instead of buying a new ink cartridge, decide blue is a nice substitute… adds a little flair.

117. You have numbers in your phone with labels like “Sketchy Steve” and “Alcohol Guy.”

118. The food in your fridge may or may not be older than your little brother.

119. The words “google” and “wikipedia” have become verbs. And you use them… quite often.

120. The names Morgan, Jim, Jack, and Jose could aptly describe either who you were with last night or what you had to drink.

121. You fill your empty two-liter bottles with pop from the school cafeteria.

122. You have a drinking buddy who can hold the most intellectual, deep conversations when drunk. Unfortunately, neither he/she nor you can remember most of it later.

123. Your floor has been dirty to the point that you’ve had to brush your feet off before putting on socks or getting into bed.

124. You’re all for the free samples at grocery stores.

125. Energy drinks become your new best friends.

126. You realize that taking summer classes pretty much negates the fun connotation of “summer.”

127. You know exactly how much food will fit into a mini-fridge.

128. You realize that said mini-fridge does NOT freeze ice cream.

129. You’ve made a sandwich on or eaten food off of your $1500 laptop.

130. Your scar stories involve alcohol and/or hearing what happened to you from your more sober friends.

131. It is completely acceptable… and encouraged… to party on weeknights. What would life be without Wasted Wednesdays or Thirsty Thursdays?

132. Most of your textbooks remain unopened (possibly still shrink-wrapped) the entire semester.

133. Waking up in the morning and driving somewhere to get a friend’s (or your) car becomes a norm.

134. The local supermarket sells ping pong balls… right next to solo red cups. Coincidence?

135. You go home for winter/summer break and suddenly your life back at college seems so exciting…

136. You smell the clear liquid in your water bottle before you drink it… just to make sure it’s actually water.

137. You discover new bruises on your body and wonder where the hell they came from.

138. You find alternate routes to class in order to avoid annoying organization booths and/or the preacher on campus.

139. Two (more) words: Power Hour.

140. You finish reading this and wonder how you can procrastinate next.

Stages of Drunkeness

0 – Stone cold sober. Brain as sharp as an army bayonet.
1 – Still sober. Pleasure senses activated. Feeling of well-being.
2 – Lager warming up head. Pretzles are ordered. Barmaid complimented on choice of blouse.
3 – Crossword in newspaper is filled in. After a while blanks are filled with random letters and numbers.
4 – Barmaid complimented on choice of bra. Partially visible when bending to get packets of crisps. Try to instigate conversation about bras. Order half a dozen packets of pretzles one by one.
5 – Have brilliant discussion with guy on the next bar stool. Devise fool-proof scheme for wining lottery, sort out Denver Broncos defense problems.
6 – Feel like a Demi-God. Map out rest of life on cocktail napkin. Realize that everybody loves you. Call parents and tell them you love them. Call girlfriend to tell her you love her and she still has an amazing ass.
7 – Send drinks over to woman sitting at table with boyfriend. No reaction. Scribble out message of love on five cocktail napkins and Frisbee them to her across the room. Boyfriend asks you outside. You buy him a Slim Panatela.
8 – Some slurring. Offer to buy drinks for everyone in room. Lots of people say yes. Go round the bar hugging them one by one. Fall over. Get up.
9 – Head-ache kicks in. Michelob tastes off. Send it back. Next bottle comes back tasting same. Say, "That’s much better". Fight nausea by trying to play old Space Invaders game for ten minutes before seeing out of order sign.
10 – Some doubling of vision. Stand on table shouting abuse at all four bartenders. Talked down by bartender’s wives, who you offer to give a baby to. Fall over. Get up. Fall over. Impale head on corner of table. Fail to notice oozing head wound.
11 – Speech no longer possible. Eventually manage to find door. Sit and take stock. Realize you are sitting in pub cellar, having taken a wrong turning. Vomit. Pass out.
12 – Put in cab by somebody. Give home address. Taken home. Can’t get key in door. Realize you’ve given address of your local gym. Generally pleased at way evening has gone. Pass out again.