“I think I am, therefore I am… I think.”
– George Carlin
People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.
– Joan Rivers
“You know you have a drinking problem when the bartender knows your name… and you’ve never been to that bar before.”
– Zach Galifianakis
‘I don’t like country music, but I don’t mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like country music, denigrate means ‘put down’.
“Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.”
“A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.”
– Mark Twain
“How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?”
“Entropy Isn’t What It Used To Be”
Getting on a plane, I told the ticket lady, ‘Send one of my bags to New York, send one to Los Angeles, and send one to Miami.’ She said, ‘We can’t do that!’ I told her, ‘You did it last week!’”
– Henny Youngman
A Freudian Slip Is When You Say One Thing but Mean Your Mother
– Gary Blake
If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you’d be in Seine.
I told the crowd last night to fuck off, but then I felt bad, so I said “All right, fuck back on.”
If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.
– Jack Handey
Eternity is a very long time, especially towards the end.
A girl phoned me the other day and said… ‘Come on over, there’s nobody home.’ I went over. Nobody was home.“
Dear algebra, stop asking us to find your X. she’s never coming back
“You don’t know anything about pain… You don’t know anything about pain until you’ve seen your own baby drowned in a tub… And you definitely don’t know anything about how to wash a baby.”
One time I saw two geese fighting and I thought, this is a pillow fight, ahead of time.
– Demetri Martin
There’s a reason it’s called ‘girls gone wild’ and not ‘women gone wild’. When girls go wild, they show their tits. When women go wild, they kill men and drown their kids in a tub.
“You can lead a horticulture, but you can’t make her think.”
– Dorothy Parker
“Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch.”
“Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.”
– Steven Wright
Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?
“A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.”
– Winston Churchill
“Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.”
– Mark Twain
Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.
“People say pot-smokers are lazy. I disagree; I’m a multitasking pot-smoker: just the other day I was walking down the street, I was putting eyedrops in my eyes, I was talking on my cell phone, and I was getting hit by a car.”
– Doug Benson
“If your sexual fantasies were truly of interest to others, they would no longer be fantasies.”
– Fran Leibowitz
Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
– Phyllis Diller
They say there are about 12 million illegal immigrants in this country, but if you ask a native American, that number is more like 300 million.