Son, for the rest of your life you’re going to go to all sorts of horrible events just to spend time with girls…dances, stores, your wedding…
I love going to aquatic parks. Sure, they have worse rides than amusement parks, less fish than aquariums, but the parking is ample!
I’m asking because I’m supposed to care about things.
Thank goodness it’s TGIF!
Marge, I thought this was an inocuous lunch, but it’s become terribly ocuous!
Bingo! I love that game, but I can’t remember what to say when you win.
Ah, alcohol. The cause of, and the solution to, all of life’s problems.
What’s the point of going out? We’re just going to wind up back here anyway.
Lisa, vampires are make believe, like elves, gremlins, and Eskimos.
Save me, Jeebus!
Facts are meaningless – you could use facts to prove anything that’s even remotely true!
I’m not impressed easily. Wow! A blue car!
Well, crying isn’t gonna bring him back, unless your tears smell like dog food.
I don’t hate your mother, I just won’t be sad when she dies.
You’re selling milk, JJ, and I’ve got a sour stomach.
How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain – remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?
Who are you? Why am I here? I want answers now or I want them eventually!
Maybe, just once, someone will call me ‘Sir’ without adding, ‘You’re making a scene’.
I’m a ‘Spalding Gray’ in a ‘Rick Dees’ world.
Donuts…is there anything they can’t do?
Trying is the first step toward failure.
Because they’re stupid, that’s why. That’s why everybody does everything!
That’s it! You people have stood in my way long enough. I’m going to clown college!
You know those balls that they put on car antennas so you can find them in the parking lot? Those should be on every car!
Marge, I’m going to miss you so much. And it’s not just the sex! It’s also the food preparation.
When I look at the smiles on all the children’s faces, I just know they’re about to jab me with something.
America’s health care system is second only to Japan, Canada, Sweden, Great Britain, well…all of Europe. But you can thank your lucky stars we don’t live in Paraguay!
It’s like something out of that “twilighty” show about that zone.
Majestic eagle! Just like me, but ashamed of his baldness.
It’s not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day.
English? Who needs that? I’m never going to England!
I like my beer cold, my TV loud, and my homosexuals flaming.
Without our immigrants, who will kick our field goals, or train our white tigers?
Oh no! What have I done? I smashed open my little boy’s piggy bank, and for what? A few measly cents, not even enough to buy one beer. Wait a minute, lemme count and make sure…not even close!
Beer – now THERE’S a temporary solution. Oh, every time I try to fix things, it just makes things worse. I’m gonna fix this!
If anyone needs me, I’ll be taking a popcorn bath. It’s a thing I read about in the Men’s Health magazine in a dream!
I don’t know what to believe anymore. Maybe it’s time to call Satan. Is that a 212?
The kid/parent contract. Unenforceable, yet you feel like you didn’t completely cave.
I am sick and tired of trying to decode you like you’re some kind of human being separate from myself!
Oh, Marge, you saved me from the danger you put me in. I am SO happy and angry!
Ah, Ethnictown. Where hard-working immigrants dream of being lazy over-fed Americans.
You’ll have to speak up, I’m wearing a towel.
Those guys were the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked.
Extended warranty? How can I lose?
Mmmmmm – 52 slices of American cheese.
Hey, I asked for ketchup – I’m eatin’ salad here!
I think Mr. Smithers picked me for my motivational skills. Everyone always says they have to work twice as hard when I’m around!
Son, when you participate in sporting events – it’s not whether you win or lose, it’s how drunk you get.
Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie, and one to listen.
Just because I don’t care doesn’t mean I don’t understand!
God bless those pagans.
I’m trying to fix your mother’s camera. Easy, easy – Hmmm. I think I need a bigger drill.
You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is ‘never try’.
Oh, everything’s too damned expensive these days. Like this Bible. It cost 15 bucks! And talk about a preachy book! Everybody’s a sinner! Except this guy.
Don’t let Krusty’s death get you down, boy. People die all the time, just like that. Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow! Well, good night!
If you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now, quiet, they’re about to announce the lottery numbers!
You couldn’t fool your mother on the foolingest day of your life if you had an electrified fooling machine.
If anything happens to Marge, we’ll all be orphans!
Go ahead and play the blues if it’ll make you happy.
I’m a white male, age 18 to 49. Everyone listens to me, no matter how dumb my suggestions are.
With $10,000, we’d be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like… love!
All right, let’s not panic. I’ll make the money by selling one of my livers. I can get by with one.
Woo hoo! 350 dollars! Now I can buy 70 transcripts of Nightline!
Oh, people can come up with statistics to prove anything. 14% of people know that.
When I held that gun in my hand, I felt a surge of power – like God must feel when he’s holding a gun.
You know boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like women. You just have to read the manual and press the right button.
One A.M. lovin’ and two A.M. steak? Night marriage rules!
I hope I didn’t brain my damage!
Nuts and gum, together at last!
We’ll die together, like a father and son should.
Let us celebrate this agreement with the adding of chocolate to milk.
Aw, sweetie, don’t worry! I’m going to come back so horny and angry!
We’re gonna get a new TV. Twenty-one inch screen, realistic flesh tones, and a little cart so we can wheel it into the dining room on holidays!
First you don’t want me to get the pony, then you want me to take it back. Make up your mind!
Oh, they have Internet on computers now.
Son, a woman is a lot like a… a refrigerator! They’re about six feet tall, 300 pounds. They make ice, and… um… Oh, wait a minute. Actually, a woman is more like a beer.
That sucker soaks up flattery like a twinkie soaks up gravy!
Well, at least I’ll die the American way: in a foreign country, wearing short pants!
This doesn’t happen in America! Maybe Ohio, but not America!
Well, the toaster’s never lied to me before!
Have you forgotten what you promised at our wedding? To love and cherish, to aid and abet?
Hello, boat store? I’d like to order a boat. What do you mean, DIAL TONE?
Help me, God! What is it I’m paying you for every Sunday?
The Fourth of July is the one day a year when our city puts on her high heels and tube top, and leans into America’s car window!
Breakfast in bed is so much better than breakfast in a chair!
Marge, if you were married to DaVinci, you wouldn’t tell him not to DaVinc!
Pack your winter coat! We’re going to Canada’s warmest city!
Kettle corn: the heroin of the farmer’s market.
Hmmm. The French have gotten into the wine game? Good luck catching up with the big boys!
Marge I swear, I never thought that you would find out.
Books are useless: I only ever read one book, “To Kill A Mockingbird” – and it gave me absolutely no insight on how to kill mockingbirds! Sure it taught me not to judge a man by the color of his skin, but what good does THAT do me?
Shut up, brain, or I’ll stab you with a Q-Tip!
I am so smart, I am so smart, S M R T, I mean S M A R T.
I’m not gonna lie to you, Marge. See ya soon!
Remember how you wanted me to get that expensive operation? Well, now I can afford a motorcycle!