Grand Theft Auto Radio Commericals

Funny Grand Theft Auto radio commercials taken in-game. Grand theft auto radio ads are gems of satire.
los santos logo

Starfish Resort and Casino

(Note- There’s something said after the part about the Giggledome, but I can’t
make it out.)

(Note 2- Many casinos in the early 90s were trying to make their places more
family friendly, to attract a bigger crowd, something this commercial spoofs.)

(Note 3- The music in the background is the same music for the Cluckin’ Bell
jingles!)

Father: Oh kids. You look like we’re going to another funeral.

Kids (together): Dad, we’re bored!

Man: You teach your children a lot of good American values. But have you
taught them how to have fun? For family entertainment that doesn’t stop, head
over to the Starfish Resort and Casino in Las Venturas. You deserve this kind
of fun. Waterslides! Shooting range! And the kids love the Giggledome!

(sounds of fun)

Man: Plus, we’ve got the hottest gaming in town! Nobody offers you more gaming
value. And, you’ll teach the kids some important life lessons about real
capitalism.

Boy (crying): Dad, I lost all my money!

Father: You’ve learned a valuable lesson. Son, it’s time for your first
lapdance.

Boy (giggles): Yeah, guns!

Man: Time is meaningless in the land of tomorrow. It’s the Starfish Resort
and Casino. Mom can go all night on the one-armed bandits, while the kids
visit the Little Tykes Pawn Shop.

Boy: How’d you do, Cherice?

Girl (sad): I busted myself and sold a kidney.

Mother: That’s my girl!

Man: Share the love- the love of money! And the Starfish Resort and Casino has
the best buffet in Las Venturas, featuring our world-famous bacon trough!

(sound of pig snorting)

Man: The Starfish Resort and Casino. This kind of fun should be illegal!

 

DeKoch Diamonds

(Note- “Dave” notes that this company is spelled DeKoch, not DeCott, which
makes perfect sense… this IS a Rockstar game, after all.)

Man: Relationships can seem like an eternity.

Woman: You asshole! What were you doing with my sister in that hot tub?!?!

Man: Relieve the pressure.

Woman 2 (whispers): Ice…

Man: Chill that bitch out… with ice.

Woman 2 (whispers): Ice…

Man: A diamond lasts forever. But your relationship might not. A diamond is
love. Rock hard. And frozen in time. Luckily, most women are shallow, and
materialistic.

Woman 2 (whispers): Ice…

Woman: A diamond? So you -do- love me!

Man: Nothing says I love you like a lump of carbon, mined by wage-slaves in
Angola.

Woman: I don’t even know what I was mad at you about. Do you want a blow job?

Man: Passion. It -can- be purchased. And it -can- be overpriced. Ice.
Available and very expensive…

Woman 2 (whispers): Ice…

Man: …at DeKoch Diamonds.

 

Redwood Cigarettes

Man: They say, living in Los Santos is the equivalent to smoking a pack a day.
If that’s the case, than I want a choice in the matter!

(sound of horse whinnying)

Man: So I chose Redwood.

Man 2: I used to sell my body for drug money on the streets. Now I’ve cleaned
up and have a wife and go to church. And I owe it all to Redwood Cigarettes.

(sound of horse whinnying)

Woman: Sometimes when I get really stressed out I beat my children with
anything I can lay my hands on. Since I tried Redwoods, I’ve found a way to
relax twenty or thirty times a day. I know it’s bad for me, but what’s more
important? Me, or my children?

(sound of horse whinnying)

Woman 2: Stress kills millions of people each year, and causes divorces,
automobile accidents, and even war. When stress is about to get you, get a
Redwood.

(sound of horse whinnying)

Woman 2: Redwood Cigarettes. Proud Sponsor of the LS City Marathon.

Gta V Game Glitch

PSA: Your Teen Needs a Car

Boy: Hey mom, watch! No hands!

(sound of crash)

Boy (in pain): Ooh!

Mom: Oh no! My baby! What happened!

Boy: I just lost control of my bike and crashed. I only skinned my knee a
little bit. Nothing too bad!

Mom: Jesus H. Christ! My baby! That’s it. No more bike riding for you. Not
today, not ever!

Boy: Mom, it doesn’t hurt that bad. I love my bike! I just fell. It happens!

Mom: That’s it! I’m getting you a car!

Boy: Wow! Cool!

Mom: I did NOT bring you into this world in order for you to be exposed to
anything dangerous! I lost my figure for you, I ruined your father’s life with
my nagging… I will not see you die on some outdated contraption! I won’t! I
won’t! I won’t! I will protect you in any way I can. It’s a mother’s duty.

Boy (tearfully): I love you, mom!

Mom: Well, you need a car. We’ll mortgage the house, or do whatever it takes!
I want you safe. And what better protection than an overpowered sports coupe
you can drive when first experimenting with drinking and drugs?

Man: The teenage years can be difficult and dangerous. Don’t make them deadly.
Don’t make your teenager ride a bicycle. Be a mother- not a murderer. This is
a public service announcement paid for by the governor’s office of San Andreas,
in association with Maibatsu Cars of America.

 

Mike Andrews Live

(Note- When Mike Andrews talks, it’s through a microphone to a large audience,
who can be heard cheering in the background.)

Man: Coming soon to the Los Santos Convention Center- it’s Mike Andrews!

Mike: Understand that it’s okay to be poor! There need to be poor people! We
rich are the yin. You are the yang! We need you!

Man: He’s changed millions of lives with his book, ‘Rags are Riches.’ Now hear
Mike Andrews live!

Man 2: Mr. Andrews? I, I’ve been having a run of bad luck, and I was wondering
if the state could help me get back on my feet.

Mike: This is the kind of negative, obsessed, and greedy talk that doesn’t help
anyone. My program will teach you a new outlook on life. Instead of
complaining about being poor, enjoy it! Watch TV! Don’t vote! Who cares?

Man 2: But I’m homeless!

Mike: You’ve got it all wrong! Society doesn’t owe you anything! The
government has better things to worry about. Like killing innocent people!
You already have everything you need, so enjoy your life!

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Man: See Mike Andrews live for only two hundred dollars, payable in ten
installments! Reserve your seat today!

 

Mike Andrews Live

Man: Coming soon to the Los Santos Convention Center, it’s Mike Andrews!

Mike: Poor people, stop complaining! Start living! You can’t take the money
with you when you die! Even I can’t!

Man: He’s changed millions of lives with his book, “Rags are Riches.” This
all-day seminar features workshops on: cooking potatoes, dumpster diving,
huffing paint, bathing alternatives, and pharmaceutical baking!

Mike: Instead of complaining about being poor, lady, enjoy it!

Woman: Mike, I can’t feed my kids! And the rent’s due!

Mike: Whoh, bitch! Settle it down! Are you saying this ain’t the greatest
country in the world?

Woman: I can’t…

Mike: Wait! Hold on, hold on, wait- Everyone! U – S – A!

Crowd and Mike: U – S – A! U – S – A!

Man: Hear Mike’s favorite programs, such as: There’s No Rich People, The Rich
are Miserable, Play Harmonica, and Expect Less, Achieve More! See Mike Andrews
Live for only $200, payable in ten installments! Reserve your seat today!

 

Blotto’s

Woman: Agh! I can’t get this flour out!

Man: What’s wrong now?

Woman: I need something to get the flour out to make these little tiny
miniature pancakes.

Man: How about this?

Woman: Wow, a tiny spoon! How cute! Where did you get that?

Man: At Blotto’s, of course.

Man 2: Blotto’s. We’ve got all kinds of accessories for the kitchen. Cooking
something up on the road? Come check out our portable kits that bakers love.
Blotto’s! We make daily habits fun.

 

Grin

(sound of glass breaking)

Boy 1: Mom, Josh just broke the vodka bottle on your nightstand!

Boy 2: Chris did it!

Mom: You little shits! I’ll kill you!

Man: Raising a family in the suburbs is tough. Especially when you used to be
a hip, single woman on her own in a cool enclave of town. With today’s
stresses, it’s difficult to maintain a loving, exploratory sex relationship
with your husband, and counter the temptations to kill your own children.

Mom: I love my family! What can I do?

Man: Sometimes you need a helping hand. Send the right message about values
and character with Grin. Grin readjusts your brain chemistry in a completely
safe way.

Mom: I hated my life. Now, I love my minivan. Instead of spending time with
friends, I work on the house. The world is bipolar- I am too! Grin keeps me
at the equator. Primitive, sunny, and always feeling hot.

Man: Grin! It’s scientifically formulated by science to help cure the anxiety,
depression, and lack of self-confidence that comes with living a new life in
the suburbs. It’s safe and non-addictive. After all, what could be
habit-forming about a pill that makes you feel better all of the time? If
you’re feeling like nothing matters, unemotional, and gaining weight, why not
regain your confidence with Grin?

 

Law

Man: Sometimes the law is not enough.

Lawyer 1: Did you file the subpoena in the McPherson case?

Lawyer 2: Nah, it wasn’t urgent. I filed an AO-440.

Lawyer 1: AO-440?!?

Lawyer 2: I know, I know. So I went shopping for these loafers…

Lawyer 3: Anyone got a stapler? I got a lot of forms, and there’s a slight
breeze in here!

Man: Law. Because paperwork is dramatic. Catch it Thursdays on WESL (weasel),
before it catches you.

 

Law – Work Hard

Man: The real-life fictional drama about the lives behind the law in the show
that is making America cry.

Lawyer 1: These IF-75s are a mess! And we’re already three months late with
the UCC addendum, -after- we lost the 8th Circuit paperwork the first time
around! Jeez! I really need to whack off…

Man: Law. They play hard. And they work hard. REALLY hard. Catch it
Thursdays on WESL (weasel) before it catches you.

 

Visit Carcer City

(Note- Carcer City pops up here and there throughout the GTA series. The intro
scene in GTA III, where you and Catalina rob the bank, is set in Carcer City.
The Rockstar game “Manhunt” is also set in Carcer City.)

(thanks to Dalton of Zeal for the extra info).

British Woman: Tired of all the sunshine and good weather? Looking for a real
American vacation? Visit the shining jewel in a rustbelt crown- Carcer City.
It’s a real man’s vacation. The pride of a nation is in Carcer City. It’s
steel, ice, and poverty. Spend a romantic evening in the beauty of the
nighttime river glow of the flaming river. Watch real men who make things
lose their jobs and fight on our special “Closing the Mill” guided tour. Come
see what we’re really made of. This is real America- drunk, proud, unemployed,
and angry. Hear the eagle roar- in Carcer City. This is what the heartland is
all about.

 

Midlife Crisis Center

(soft piano music plays)

Man: Do you find your daughter’s friends attractive, but know they look at you
as just a dad? Does the typing pool at work think of you more as a teddy bear
than a tiger? Do you whack off in your minivan while listening to teen pop?
You know, you’ll be dead soon. You’ve missed out on so much. It’s not too
late to make a change.

(peppy music plays)

Man: At the Midlife Crisis Center, we know you’ve made a success of yourself.
Why are you sharing it with others? Why not enjoy it while you have the
chance? What’s holding you back?

(pause)

Cowardice. We’ll get you to the other side of your despair. We specialize in
real estate, divorce attorneys, mistress placement, plastic surgery, hair
coloring and replacement, fur coats, and much more. With a designer clothing
store and sports car dealership on site. The Midlife Crisis Center will help
you rediscover life while you still can. Come with your wife, leave with a
sports car. While you’ve made a success of yourself, her chest has gone south.
How can you have that trollop on your arm for a second longer? The answer is,
you can’t. Ignore your children. Take yourself seriously. Visit the Midlife
Crisis Center today.

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San Andreas Telephone

(telephone rings)

Woman: Hello?

Man: Ah, hey… it’s me, Jonathan.

Woman: I don’t know a Jonathan.

Man: Yeah, that’s the name they gave me at the orphanage after you put me up
for adoption. How could you give me away?

Man 2: Bring the family together again.

(sound of phone dialing)

Man 2: San Andreas Telephone. For those -difficult- conversations.

San Andreas Telephone (The ex-husband)

(phone rings)

Woman: Hello?

Man: Lisa?

Woman: Yeah…

Man: How ya doing, bitch? How do you like living in that house we built
together, huh? Do the kids like watching that bald bastard kiss you in the
morning? They want their -real- father, Lisa!

Man 2: When you just can’t be there in person.

(sound of telephone dialing)

Man 2: San Andreas Telephone. For those -difficult- conversations.

 

San Andreas Telephone  (The son)

(phone rings)

Woman: Hello?

Man: Um, mom? It’s me.

Woman: Jimmy! How great to hear from you! How -are- you?

Man: Not good, mom. I killed a man drunk driving. I need bail money bad.
Uh, can you, uh, re-mortgage the house?

Man 2: Every day is Mother’s Day.

(sound of telephone dialing)

Man 2: San Andreas Telephone. For those -difficult- conversations.

 

San Andreas Telephone  (The baby)

(phone rings)

Man: Hello?

Woman: Hi, is Mark there?

Man: Yeah…

Woman: It’s me, Shannon. We met at Jack’s party?

Man: Yeah! How can I forget? Wow, how you doing? I haven’t heard from you
in, uh…

Woman: Nine months.

(sound of baby crying)

Woman: Hello?

Man 2: Some moments change your life.

(sound of telephone dialing)

Man 2: San Andreas Telephone. For those -difficult- conversations.

 

Facari Film

Woman: I miss little Vincent so much! He loved to play baseball. I… I was
driving him to practice. I guess I was busy making eyes at the guy driving
next to me.

(sound of child laughing)

Woman: I didn’t notice he was sticking his head out the window! His blond hair
flowing in the wind!

(sound of truck horn, then a splat)

Man: Uh, honey, Vincent’s hair was black.

Woman: That’s not the point! We’re lucky he was adopted! So we just got
another. It’s my life, and I don’t want to forget anything.

Man 2: Documenting every moment of life is very important. Take plenty of
pictures of your wife. You never know when she might leave you for another
man. It’s important to document your happiness while it lasts. And use
Facari Film. When your son wins the game. When your daughter gets herpes.
Facari Film. Memories are forever. Sort of.

 

Glory Hole Theme Park

Man: San Andreas just can’t get enough of the Glory Hole Theme Park!

Chorus: Glory Hole! Where strangers become friends! Glory Hole! There’s no
need to know names.

Man: It’s the place for magic and adventure! We all like speaking rodents, to
entertain and educate our kids, and now with Gerry Gerbil the kids have someone
they can really relate to!

Gerry: Kids! Come and play! I’ve got puppies to show you!

Kids: Yay! Giant speaking rodent!

Woman: Go on kids, have fun! I know it’s safe. Gerry’s wearing a latex body
suit.

Girl: See you later, mom! We’re off to have fun with strangers!

Chorus: Glory Hole! It’ll hurt, but it’s worth it.

Man: Ride the log flume! (splash) Live the adventure of the flaming scream
machine! (zap) Glory Hole Theme Park!

All: Glory Hole!

Man: Open every day till 3 AM! Come live the mystery!

 

Glory Hole Theme Park -Incredible Voyage

Man: Come live the mystery!

Crowd: Glory Hole!

Chorus: Glory Hole! Where strangers become friends! Glory hole! You don’t
need to know names!

Gerry: Cool off in our water sports park! (splash) I’ll show your kids a
great time! It’s something they’ll never forget and talk about for years to
come! Especially at therapy sessions!

Man: It’s the place for magic! And adventure!

Chorus: Glory Hole!

Woman: Leaving me free to shop and get lipo!

Gerry: Who’s ready for the incredible Gerbil’s Voyage?

Boy: Gerry! Can we come too?

Gerry: This is a journey you must undertake alone. It can be dark and scary,
but she’ll shriek with delight

Chorus: Glory Hole! It’ll hurt, but it’s worth it!

Girl: What’s that hole in the wall for?

Gerry: You wait and see. You’ll be amazed! (mutters “fuck this…”)

Chorus Glory Hole!

Man: Glory Hole Theme Park! Open every day till 3 AM!

 

Cake (The wife)

Woman: I love my husband more than anything.

Man: Which is why I was surprised to find her sleeping with the teenager next
door.

Woman: Now I take each day one day at a time. I didn’t know what I had until
it was almost gone. Now I’m faithful, and haven’t terminated a pregnancy in
over a year! I stopped obsessing about my weight, and now there’s just more
of me to love. They say America’s fatter than ever. But when you’re number
one, it’s time to celebrate! And why not celebrate with cake? Every day!

Woman 2 (sings): Celebrate with cake!

 

Cake (The son)

Mom: I love my kids more than anything.

Son: Which is why mom keeps me clinically obese- so I won’t run away.

Mom: That’s where cake comes in. My sister’s son got to 18 and just ran away.
She was broken-hearted. Now me and little Joshua celebrate every day with
cake! He’s my number one, and he knows it! Now he’s not running anywhere.
Why not celebrate with cake? Every day.

Woman (sings): Celebrate with cake!

 

Inversion Therapy

(Note- there is such a thing as inversion therapy, but it typically refers to
a back treatment where they hang you upside down (no, really).)

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Darius: Hi, what are you afraid of? Heights? Flying? Polio? Whatever your
fear, it’s time to face it. Hi, I’m Darius Fontaine, creator of Inversion
Therapy. For years we’ve helped our patients get past their deepest and
darkest fears and get ON with their lives. Just listen to this:

Man: I… I was having really dark thoughts. I… I wanted to sleep with my
mother. Now that I’ve done it, I don’t want to any more.

Darius: Incredible! But, you know, it works. That’s Inversion Therapy! Fear
it, face it, do it, CONQUER it! Got it? Ju- listen again.

Woman: Okay. I was terrified of my children being harmed. So I stabbed them.
Didn’t hurt me -that- much. Yeah, now I’m not afraid of anything.

Darius: That’s ANOTHER life saved! (giggles) Inversion Therapy works! I
know! When you take your fear head-on, it’s time to move on. I’m Darius
Fontaine, call me today! I’ll change your life- promise!
Call 1-866-FACE-FEAR.

 

Rapidite

Man: Sexual re-alignment used to require years of therapy, months of hormone
treatments, and you still ended up looking like a drag queen. Now you can let
the woman inside come out in the comfort and privacy of your own home. And
it’s as fast as this:

Man 2: slice…

Man 2 (now with woman’s voice): See? Now I’m a woman, thanks to Rapidite!
This do-it-yourself sexual re-alignment kit includes everything you need to go
from Brad to Brenda in a jif. It’s just snip, chop, stuff and swallow and away
you go. Do it in the bathroom and surprise your family with a new you! Comes
with an instructional video, rusty knife and tourniquet, two aspirins, and
forty-seven pounds of estrogen. It’s all you need! When it’s time for a
change, you want it fast. Rapidite- the do-it-yourself sexual re-alignment
kit. Be -exactly- who you want to be.

 

The Crazy Cock

(violin music plays)

Woman: What IS a gentleman? He is kind, polite, and stands by his word. He is
well-dressed, and treats a lady with respect.

(sax music plays)

Woman: Now a club for fine gentlemen has come to Las Venturas. Want to be a
gentleman? Pay a woman the ultimate compliment by shoving $20s in her panties
at the Crazy Cock. Yow!

(rock music plays)

Woman: Tonight, and every night, your luck is in town at the Crazy Cock. Where
the ladies are beautiful and oh! So very friendly.

Candy: Come on boys, I’m waiting for a gentleman like you.

Woman: That’s right, Candy wants to fake (frig?) herself for money and make you
feel exactly what you’re not- a lady killer! It’s the gentleman’s choice. And
a lady -always- loves to be noticed.

Man: Woo-wee! Titties! What could be more gentlemanly than staring at
silicone breasts while my wife is playing slot machines?

Candy: Nothing.

Man 2: I’m here for a conference. What about my colleagues?

Candy: I’ll make you all feel special, one after the other. Just give me
money.

Woman: Yes, bring your clients! After all, once they see how drunk and horny
you get over a pair of fake bazookas, they’re sure to take your professional
input seriously. What gentleman wouldn’t?

(violin music plays)

Woman 2: Learn how a lady likes to be treated…

Woman: ONLY at the Cah-razy Cock! It’s your duty as a gentleman.

 

The Epsilon Program (Less for God, more for you)

(Note- ‘Tithe’ refers to giving a percentage of one’s income to the church one
belongs to. The amount is normally 10% (in fact the word ‘tithe’ means
‘tenth’))

Chris: Do you worry that nobody likes you? We’ll provide you with friends.
Hi, and Kifflom. I’m the honorable Chris Formage. Covet your neighbor’s ass
no longer. The Epsilon Program seeks out the convenient bits from every faith
to create a religion that is uniquely American- expensive, promiscuous, and
entirely meaningless. And unlike other major religions, we only tithe 8.75
percent. That means less for God, and more for you. All you have to do is
read and understand the Epsilon Tract, and the secrets of the Universe will be
open to you. Just call 1-866-FUN-CULT

 

The Epsilon Program (This time, God, it’s personal)

Man: Why do trees talk?

Woman: Why are there dinosaurs?

Boy: Why do people die meaningless deaths?

Man 2: Is there other intelligent life in the universe?

Woman 2: Why do I have to be monogamous?

Chris: Do you want answers? Have you searched literature and philosophy for
meaning? For years, man has combed the pages of history, searching for
enlightenment. Finally, the answers are here. We at the Epsilon Program know
religion is a deeply personal experience. Join us- and you will be brought to
light. Hi, and Kifflom. I am the honorable Chris Formage. All you have to
do is read and understand the Epsilon Tract and the secrets of the Universe
will be opened to you. The Epsilon Program. This time, God, it’s personal.

 

The Epsilon Program (Science?)

Chris: Let me ask you something. Have you ever seen a real dinosaur? Of course
you haven’t, and you never will. Fact! That’s because they never existed, and
science… (chuckles) science is a lie. I mean, have you actually ever seen a
sperm? We’ve all tried. All you have to do is read and understand the Epsilon
Tract, and the secrets of the Universe will be opened to you. This is a life-
altering experience. All your mortal fears will be at ease. The Epsilon
Program. This time, God, it’s personal.

 

Bouge Cologne

(Note- indeed, Agrippina the Younger (AD 16 – 59) sure got around in Roman
times)

Man: Life isn’t about money, or your job. It’s about having good friends, a
nice car, and nailing as many women as possible. That’s why I choose Bouge
Cologne. The name ‘cologne’ stems from the Roman empress Agrippina, who would
sleep with anyone. I know- I did. And I’ll sleep with you, too. God, I love
myself. I smell great!

Woman: Bouge Cologne. Get your sperm swimming.