The jokes on this list are some of the funniest jokes about winter holidays that you’ve ever heard, try any of these at your next holiday party and you’ll be the King.
My wife said she didn’t mind what gift I got her as long as it had diamonds in it.
I bought her a pack of cards.
Did you hear about the chess grandmasters awards ceremony at the Peninsula hotel coffee shop?
They were chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.
What do you call a child who doesn’t believe in Father Christmas?
A rebel without a Claus.
What’s the most popular wine [whine] on New Year’s Day?
“My head hurts.”
What nationality is Santa Claus?
What’s the most popular food at the North Pole?
What bird has wings but cannot fly?
What do you call an elf who lives in [insert name of your nearest rich district]?
Three buildings in town were overrun by squirrels—the town hall, the hardware store, and the church. The town hall brought in some cats. But after they tore up all the files, the mayor got rid of the predators, and soon the squirrels were back. The hardware store humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free outside town. But three days later, the squirrels climbed back in. Only the church came up with an effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and made them members. Now they see them only on Christmas and Easter.
A woman goes to the post office and asks for 50 Hanukkah stamps. “What denomination?” asks the clerk. The woman says, “Six Orthodox, 12 Conservative, and 32 Reform.”
A customer walked into our store looking for Christmas lights. I showed her our top brand, but—wanting to make sure each bulb worked—she asked me to take them out of the box and plug them in. I did, and each one lit up. “Great,” she said. I carefully placed the string of lights back in the box. But as I handed them to her, she looked alarmed. “I don’t want this box,” she said abruptly. “It’s been opened.”
What goes “Oh oh oh”?
Santa walking backwards.
What do you call an elf walking backwards?
What did Mrs Claus say to Santa when she looked out of the window?
“Looks like rain, dear.”
What did Adam say on the day before Christmas?
“It’s Christmas, Eve.”
What did the teenage candle say to the mommy candle?
“I am so going out tonight.”
How do you know Santa is a guy?
He wears the same clothes every year.
What do you get when you cross a snowman with the vampire Robert Pattinson?
What do Twilight vampires put on their Christmas dinner?
What’s the difference between the Pokemon called Snorlax and your dad on Christmas day?
How do you get Ash, Brock, Misty and Pikachu into a tuk-tuk?
You poke ‘em on.
What is a female elf called?
Sherlock Holmes moves to Asia. He studies the feng shui of his new home and then writes to Santa Claus: “Dear Santa, for Christmas I want you to bring me a yellow door.”
His trusty assistant Watson asks: “Why do you want a yellow door, Holmes?”
The great detective replies: “Lemon entry, my dear Watson.”
Okay, and here’s best winter holidays joke :
What did one snowman say to the other?
“Can you smell carrot?”