1. Stab them with a spear…of asparagus.
2. “Take it easy, bro. I have no beef with you.”
3. “Lettuce be friends.”
4. “Give peas a chance.”
I met a camel with no humps, so I named him Humphrey.
How do you kill a circus? You go for the juggler.
Didja hear about the new restaurant on the moon? It’s got great food, but no atmosphere.
Remember alcohol and calculus don’t mix so don’t drink and derive.
I’m addicted to placebos. I’d give them up but it wouldn’t make any difference.
The doctor comes out into the waiting room for the next patient. He’s shocked to see a man sitting there with a frog growing out of his head. The doctor’s cries, “Oh my god, how did that happen?”
The frog answered “I don’t know; it began as a pimple on my butt.”
Why don’t blind people like to sky dive?
Because it scares the hell out of the dog.
How are a texas tornado and a Tennessee divorce the same?
Somebody’s gonna lose a trailer.
What did the outlet say to the cord?
Socket to me, baby…
What do you call a running chicken?
Poultry in motion…
What happened when a ship carrying red paint collided with a ship carrying blue paint?
Both crews were marooned…
A man flying in a hot air balloon suddenly realizes he’s lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts to get directions, “Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?”
“You must work in Information Technology,” says the balloonist.
“I do” replies the man. “How did you know?”
“Well,” says the balloonist, “everything you have told me is technically correct, but it’s of no use to anyone.”
The man below replies, “You must work in management.”
“I do” replies the balloonist, “But how’d you know?”
“Well”, says the man, “you don’t know where you are, or where you’re going, you expect me to be able to help. You’re in the same position you were before we met, but now it’s my fault.”