Jimmy Kimmel rallied support for the legal fund of Stormy Daniels

Jimmy Kimmel rallied support for the legal fund of Stephanie Clifford, the former pornographic film actress known as Stormy Daniels. Kimmel wants to help Clifford pay her way out of a nondisclosure agreement.

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“She’s trying to raise money to pay for her legal fees, so she launched a fund-raising page on a website called CrowdJustice.com, so now you can give money to a porn star — just like the president of the United States.” — JIMMY KIMMEL

“I never thought giving money to a porn star would be considered to be an act of patriotism — but then again, I also never thought a guy who got in a Twitter war with Cher would become president.” — JIMMY KIMMEL

“And remember, every dollar you donate potentially brings us one step closer to seeing photos that will haunt our dreams forever.” — JIMMY KIMMEL

“Robert Mueller has subpoenaed the Trump Organization, the president’s company, demanding that they hand over any documents related to business they may have done with Russia. You know, in an investigation like this, it’s important to follow the money — no matter how many porn stars it leads to.” — JIMMY KIMMEL

Donald Trump surprisingly hasn’t tweeted about the subpoena yet. Probably because he doesn’t know how to spell the word ‘subpoena.’” — JIMMY KIMMEL

F.B.I. psychiatric hospital phone logs

FBI agents conducted a raid of a psychiatric hospital in San Diego that was under investigation for medical insurance fraud. After hours of reviewing thousands of medical records, the dozens of agents had worked up quite an appetite. The agent in charge of the investigation called a nearby pizza parlor with delivery service to order a quick dinner for his colleagues.

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The following telephone conversation took place and was recorded by the FBI because they were taping all conversations at the hospital.

Agent: Hello. I would like to order 19 large pizzas and 67 cans of soda.

Pizza Man: And where would you like them delivered?

Agent: We’re over at the psychiatric hospital.

Pizza Man: The psychiatric hospital?

Agent: That’s right. I’m an FBI agent.

Pizza Man: You’re an FBI agent?

Agent: That’s correct. Just about everybody here is.

Pizza Man: And you’re at the psychiatric hospital?

Agent: That’s correct. And make sure you don’t go through the front doors. We have them locked. You will have to go around to the back to the service entrance to deliver the pizzas.

Pizza Man: And you say you’re all FBI agents?

Agent: That’s right. How soon can you have them here?

Pizza Man: And everyone at the psychiatric hospital is an FBI agent?

Agent: That’s right. We’ve been here all day and we’re starving.

Pizza Man: How are you going to pay for all of this?

Agent: I have my checkbook right here.

Pizza Man: And you’re all FBI agents?

Agent: That’s right. Everyone here is an FBI agent. Can you remember to bring the pizzas and sodas to the service entrance in the rear? We have the front doors locked.

Pizza Man: I don’t think so.

** Click **

The following is a direct quote from the Center for Strategic and International Studies report on GLOBAL ORGANIZED CRIME.

Read This Story If You’re Unhappy

Once upon a time there was a nonconforming sparrow who decided not to fly south for the winter. However, soon the weather turned so cold that he reluctantly started to fly south.

In a short time, ice began to form on his wings and he fell to earth in a barnyard, almost frozen.

A cow passed by and crapped on the little sparrow. The sparrow thought it was the end…but the manure warmed him and defrosted his wings.

Warm, happy and finally able to breathe, he started to sing.

Just then a large cat came by and hearing the chirping, investigated the sounds.

The cat cleared away the manure, found the chirping bird and promptly ate him.

The moral of the story:

Everyone who shits on you is not necessarily your enemy.
Everyone who gets you out of shit is not necessarily your friend.
If you’re warm and happy in a pile of shit, keep your mouth shut.