Funny SMS text messages

  • A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
  • I had amnesia once – maybe twice.
  • All I ask is a chance to prove money can’t make me happy.

  • The universe is a figment of its own imagination.
  • I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

  • Is there another word for synonym?

  • Why don’t men often show their true feelings?
    – Because they don’t have any.
  • Q: What is the difference between a wife and a girlfriend?
    A: About 45 pounds!!
  • Q: How many men does it take to change a toilet roll?
    A: We don’t know. Never happens.
  • Marriage is a three ring circus: an engagement ring, a wedding ring, and suffering
  • ALGEBRA: A weapon of math destruction.
  • Q: Why do mountain climbers rope themselves together?
    A: To prevent the sensible ones from going home.
  • Q: What is the difference between in-laws and outlaws?
    A: Outlaws are wanted.
  • Q: What do you get when you put three ducks in a box?
    A: A box of quackers.

  • Time is a marvellous healer but is a complete failure as a beautician.

  • When a man talks dirty to a woman, it’s sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it’s £1.50 per minute
  • Never let a man’s mind wander, it’s too little to be out on it’s own
  • Son asks diff btw Confidence and Confidential
    Dad says, u are my son, I am Confident.
    Ur friend is also my son, thats Confidential
  • I’ve used up all my sick days, so I’m calling in dead.
  • I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn’t looking good either.
  • What do you get when you cross ESP with PMS? A b*tch who knows everything.
  • The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.
  • The fact that no one understands you doesn’t mean you’re an artist.
  • I don’t know what your problem is, but I’ll bet it’s hard to pronounce.

  • I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

  • Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

  • Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle and will whiz on your computer.

    Bizarre US Laws

    1. It is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while operating a vehicle.
    1. Community leaders passed an ordinance that makes it illegal for anyone to try and stop a child from playfully jumping over puddles of water.
    1. You can be stopped by the police for biking over 65 miles per hour.
    2. You are not allowed to walk across a street on your hands.
    1. Women may be fined for falling asleep under a hair dryer, as can the salon owner.
    2. A special law prohibits unmarried women from parachuting on Sunday or she shall risk arrest, fine, and/or jailing.
    3. If an elephant is left tied to a parking meter, the parking fee has to be paid just as it would for a vehicle.
    4. <SARASOTA> Illegal to sing in a public place while attired in a swimsuit.
    5. Men may not be seen publicly in any kind of strapless gown.
    1. It is illegal for anyone to give lighted cigars to dogs, cats, and other domesticated animal kept as pets.
    1. Bathing is prohibited during the winter.
    2. Citizens are not allowed to attend a movie house or theater nor ride in a public streetcar within at least four hours after eating garlic.
    1. Kisses may last for as much as, but no more than, five minutes.
    1. By law, anyone who has been drinking is "sober" until he or she "cannot hold onto the ground."
    2. It is illegal to transport an ice cream cone in your pocket.
    1. It is illegal to rob a bank and then shoot at the bank teller with a water pistol.
    2. Biting someone with your natural teeth is "simple assault," while biting someone with your false teeth is "aggravated assault."

    1. Mourners at a wake may not eat more than three sandwiches.
    2. Snoring is prohibited unless all bedroom windows are closed and securely locked.
    3. An old ordinance declares goatees illegal unless you first pay a special license fee for the privilege of wearing one in public.
    4. Taxi drivers are prohibited from making love in the front seat of their taxi during their shifts.
    1. A parent can be arrested if his child cannot hold back a burp during a church service.
    New Mexico:
    1. Females are strictly forbidden to appear unshaven in public.
    New York:
    1. A fine of $25 can be levied for flirting. This old law specifically prohibits men from turning around on any city street and looking "at a woman in that way." A second conviction for a crime of this magnitude calls for the violating male to be forced to wear a "pair of horse-blinders" wherever and whenever he goes outside for a stroll.
    North Dakota:
    1. Beer & pretzels can’t be served at the same time in any bar or restaurant.
    1. Women are prohibited from wearing patent leather shoes in public.
    1. Violators can be fined, arrested or jailed for making ugly faces at a dog.
    2. Females are forbidden from doing their own hair without being licensed by the state.
    3. Dogs must have a permit signed by the mayor in order to congregate in groups of three or more on private property.
    1. A special cleaning ordinance bans housewives from hiding dirt and dust under a rug in a dwelling.
    2. No man may purchase alcohol without written consent from his wife.
    1. A city ordinance states that a person cannot go barefoot without first obtaining a special five-dollar permit.
    2. It is illegal to take more than three sips of beer at a time while standing.
    1. Lawmakers made it obligatory for everybody to take at least one bath each week — on Saturday night.
    1. All lollipops are banned.
    2. A law to reduce crime states: "It is mandatory for a motorist with criminal intentions to stop at the city limits and telephone the chief of police as he is entering the town.
    West Virginia:
    1. No children may attend school with their breath smelling of "wild onions."

    Best comedian quotes

    “If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put down the
    video camera and come help me.”
    –Bobcat Goldthwait

    “I’ve been doing the Fonda workout: the Peter Fonda workout. That’s where I wake up, take a hit of acid, smoke a joint, and run to my sister’s house and ask her for money.”
    Kevin Meaney

    “My mom said she learned how to swim. Someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. That’s how she learned how to swim. I said, ‘Mom, they weren’t trying to teach you how to swim.’ ”
    –Paula Poundstone

    “In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a
    single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall
    people burn slower?”
    –Warren Hutcherson

    “I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every
    other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the
    locks, they are always locking three.”
    –Elayne Boosler

    “Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?”
    –John Mendoza

    “Today I met with a subliminal advertising executive for just a second.”
    –Steven Wright

    Relationships are hard. It’s like a full-time job, and we should treat
    it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they
    should give you two weeks’ notice. There should beseverance pay, and
    before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp.”
    –Bob Ettinger

    “A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills
    than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh.”
    –Conan O’Brien

    “I haven’t taken my Christmas lights down. They look so nice on the
    –Winston Spear

    “Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that’s
    how dogs spend their lives.”
    –Sue Murphy

    “My grandfather’s a little forgetful, but he likes to give me advice. One
    day, he took me aside and left me there.”
    –Ron Richards

    “I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up
    something else.”
    –Lily Tomlin

    “USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.”
    David Letterman

    “Chihuahua. There’s a waste of dog food. Looks like a dog that is still
    far away.”
    –Billiam Coronell

    “I was a vegetarian until I started leaning towards sunlight.”
    –Rita Rudner

    “I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.”
    –Lily Tomlin

    The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war.
    Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little
    Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there.
    Corkscrews. Bottle openers. ‘Come on, buddy, let’s go. You get past me, the guy in back of me, he’s got a spoon. Back off. I’ve got the toe
    clippers right here.'”
    –Jerry Seinfeld

    “I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don’t know what to feed
    –Steven Wright

    “I don’t kill flies but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them
    above globes. They freak out and yell, ‘Whoa, I’m way too high!’ ”
    –Bruce Baum

    “I met a new girl at a barbecue, very pretty, a blond I think. I don’t
    know, her hair was on fire, and all she talked about was herself. You
    know these kind of girls: ‘I’m hot. I’m on fire. Me, me, me.’ You know.
    ‘Help me, put me out.’ Come on, could we talk about me just a little
    –Garry Shandling

    “I think that’s how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York
    said, ‘Gee, I’m enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn’t
    cold enough. Let’s go west.'”
    –Richard Jeni

    “Sometimes I think war is God’s way of teaching us geography.”
    –Paul Rodriguez

    “Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my
    fishburger and I realize, Oh my God….I could be eating a slow learner.”
    –Lynda Montgomery