A Collection of White People Problems

“White People Problems” is a term that combines a facetious reference to white privilege with the accusation that we’re all pampered ingrates.

White People Problems

You aren’t allowed to use the “n-word”

Woke up to a solid 6 inches this morning and I’m not talkin about the snow

Getting the wrong coffee at Starbucks.

I can’t believe my dad is ignoring me cause I asked $1000

My drone might have water damage

Dad: where will we put the second Christmas tree

Its such a tragedy that every neighborhood in the city doesn’t have a Shake Shack.

Just burned my tongue on my hot chai latte

Getting a 2015 Jeep Wrangler and not a 2016 one.

Being not really able to listen to Hip Hop or Gangster Rap or at least not dance to it.

Being in an environment where you’re the only white person ( very rare on its face for most White Americans).

Not being shown the due and proper respect in certain social circles.

Being assumed to be wealthy.

I need a bigger closet, all of my clothes don’t fit

Going to an authentic Chinese restaurant, with a group of Chinese people, and getting silverware while everyone else gets chopsticks.

Getting sunburned.

Getting called on some racially clueless remark you just made and not being able to richsplain or mansplain or whitesplain it to everyone’s satisfaction.

Being called white.

Went to bestbuy to buy a cd. Turns out they don’t have 21 Savage.

Pretty sure I just got peer pressured by a barista to put whipped cream on my white chocolate mocha

Everyone is convinced you have a great paying job.

I spilled some expensive whiskey tonight

My tablet won’t turn on so I’m stuck with the old huge clunky laptop

A lot of people think you are stuck up and unapproachable.

I want to start making Thanksgiving food, but the cleaning lady is still here.

I already lost the hope of ever getting tanned

Love the stretch of yoga, hate the show off “look at me” people in the yoga class

A white people problem is getting burnt red while sunbathing at the beach.

Apparently my bath water was too hot

White People Problems – Saturday Night Live

Best and Funniest Jerry Seinfeld Quotes

Enjoy the best and funniest Jerry Seinfeld Quotes and sayings.
Jerry Seinfeld quotes

  • Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom.
  • Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them’s making a poop, the other one’s carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge.
  • Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you’ve got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn’t your biggest problem.Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.
  • That’s the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me
  • There’s very little advice in men’s magazines, because men don’t think there’s a lot they don’t know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, “I know what I’m doing, just show me somebody naked.”
  • According to most studies, people’s number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that sound right? This means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you’re better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.
  • Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason
  • The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. “Come on, buddy, let’s go. You get past me, the guy in back of me, he’s got a spoon. Back off. I’ve got the toe clippers right here.”
  • Why do people give each other flowers? To celebrate various important occasions, they’re killing living creatures? Why restrict it to plants? “Sweetheart, let’s make up. Have this deceased squirrel.”
  • Why do they call it a “building”? It looks like they’re finished. Why isn’t it a “built”?
  • People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to
  • Seems to me the basic conflict between men and women, sexually, is that men are like firemen. To men, sex is an emergency, and no matter what we’re doing we can be ready in two minutes. Women, on the other hand, are like fire. They’re very exciting, but the conditions have to be exactly right for it to occur.
  • The big advantage of a book is it’s very easy to rewind. Close it and you’re right back at the beginning.
  • I have a friend who’s collecting unemployment insurance. This guy has never worked so hard in his life as he has to keep this thing going. He’s down there every week, waiting on the lines and getting interviewed and making up all these lies about looking for jobs. If they had any idea of the effort and energy that he is expending to avoid work, I’m sure they’d give him a raise.
  • To me, a lawyer is basically the person that knows the rules of the country. We’re all throwing the dice, playing the game, moving our pieces around the board, but if there is a problem the lawyer is the only person who has read the inside of the top of the box.
  • Men don’t care what’s on TV. They only care what else is on TV.
  • The idea behind the tuxedo is the woman’s point of view that men are all the same; so we might as well dress them that way. That’s why a wedding is like the joining together of a beautiful, glowing bride and some guy. The tuxedo is a wedding safety device, created by women because they know that men are undependable. So in case the groom chickens out, everybody just takes one step over, and she marries the next guy.
  • My parents didn’t want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty, and that’s the law.
  • I will never understand why they cook on TV. I can’t smell it. Can’t eat it. Can’t taste it. The end of the show they hold it up to the camera, “Well, here it is. You can’t have any. Thanks for watching. Goodbye.”
  • Somebody just gave me a shower radio. Thanks a lot. Do you really want music in the shower? I guess there’s no better place to dance than a slick surface next to a glass door.
  • See, the thing of it is, there’s a lot of ugly people out there walking around but they don’t know they’re ugly because nobody actually tells them.
  • What would the world be like if people said whatever they were thinking, all the time, whenever it came to them? How long would a blind date last? About 13 seconds, I think. “Oh, sorry, your rear end is too big.” “That’s ok, your breath stinks anyway. See you later.”
  • You know what I never get with the limo? The tinted windows. Is that so people don’t see you? Yeah, what a better way not to have people notice you than taking a thirty foot Cadillac with a TV antenna and a uniformed driver. How discreet. Nobody cares who’s in the limo. You see a limo go by, you know it’s either some rich jerk or fifty prom kids with $1.75 each.
  • You can measure distance by time. “How far away is it?” “Oh about 20 minutes.” But it doesn’t work the other way. “When do you get off work?” “Around 3 miles.”
  • Are there keys to a plane? Maybe that’s what those delays are sometimes, when you’re just sitting there at the gate. Maybe the pilot sits up there in the cockpit going, “Oh, I don’t believe this. Dammit..I did it again.” They tell you it’s something mechanical because they don’t want to come on the P.A. system, “Ladies and gentlemen, we’re going to be delayed here on the ground for a while. I uh..Oh, God this is so embarrassing…I, I left the keys to the plane in my apartment. They’re in this big ashtray by the front door. I’m sorry, I’ll run back and get them.”
  • I once had a leather jacket that got ruined in the rain. Why does moisture ruin leather? Aren’t cows outside a lot of the time? When it’s raining, do cows go up to the farmhouse, “Let us in! We’re all wearing leather! Open the door! We’re going to ruin the whole outfit here!”

How Kids Perceived Dating, Marriage and Love

Kids were asked for their thoughts on relationships and the answers were both adorable and hilarious.

Kids about love and marriage

WHAT IS THE PROPER AGE TO GET MARRIED?
“Eighty-four. Because at that age, you don’t have to work anymore, and you can spend all your time loving each other.” (Judy, 8)

“Once I’m done with kindergarten, I’m going to find me a wife.” (Tommy, 5)

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
On the first date, they just tell each other lies,and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.” (Mike, 10)

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
“You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a big ring and her own VCR, ’cause she’ll want to have videos of the wedding.” (Jim, 10)

“Never kiss in front of other people. It’s a big embarrassing thing if anybody sees you. But if nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours.” (Kally, 9)

THE GREAT DEBATE: IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It’s better for girls to be single, but not for boys. Boys need somebody to clean up after them.” (Lynette, 9)

“It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I’m just a kid. I don’t need that kind of trouble.” (Kenny, 7)

CONCERNING WHY LOVE HAPPENS BETWEEN TWO PEOPLE:
“No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you smell. That’s why perfume and deodorant are so popular.” Jan, 9)

“I think you’re supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but the rest of it isn’t supposed to be so painful.” (Harlen, 8)

ON WHAT FALLING IN LOVE IS LIKE:
“Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life.” (Roger, 9)

“If falling in love is anything like learning to spell, I don’t want to do it. It takes to long to learn.” (Leo, 7)

ON THE ROLE OF GOOD LOOKS IN LOVE AND ROMANCE:
“If you want to be loved by somebody who isn’t already in your family, it doesn’t hurt to be beautiful.” (Jeanne, 8)

“It isn’t always just how you look. Look at me. I’m handsome like anything and I haven’t got anybody to marry me yet.” (Gary, 7)

“Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long time.” (Christine, 9)

CONCERNING WHY LOVERS OFTEN HOLD HANDS:
“They want to make sure their rings don’t fall off, because they paid good money for them.” (David, 8)

CONFIDENTIAL OPINIONS ABOUT LOVE:
I’m in favor of love as long as it doesn’t happen when ‘The Simpsons’ are on TV.” (Anita, 6)

“Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I’ve been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me.” (Bobby, 8)

“I’m not rushing into being in love. I’m finding fourth grade hard enough.” (Regina, 10)

PERSONAL QUALITIES NECESSARY TO BE A GOOD LOVER:
“One of you should know how to write a check. Because, even if you have tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills.” (Ava, 8)

SOME SUREFIRE WAYS TO MAKE A PERSON FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU:
“Tell them that you own a whole bunch of candy stores.” (Del, 6)

“Don’t do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get attention, but attention ain’t the same thing as love.” (Alonzo, 9)

“One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it’s something she likes to eat. French fries usually works for me.” (Bart, 9)

HOW CAN YOU TELL IF TWO ADULTS EATING DINNER AT A RESTAURANT ARE IN LOVE ?
“Just see if the man picks up the check. That’s how you can tell if he’s in love.” (John, 9)

“Lovers will just be staring at each other and their food will get cold. Other people care more about the food.” (Brad, 8)

“It’s love if they order one of those desserts that are on fire. They like to order those because it’s just like their hearts are on fire.” (Christine, 9)

WHAT MOST PEOPLE ARE THINKING WHEN THEY SAY, “I LOVE YOU”:
“The person is thinking: Yeah, I really do love him, but I hope he showers at least once a day.” (Michelle, 9)

HOW A PERSON LEARNS TO KISS:
“You learn it right on the spot, when the ‘gooshy’ feelings get the best of you.” (Doug, 7)

“It might help if you watched soap operas all day.” (Carin, 9)

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
“It’s never okay to kiss a boy. They always slobber all over you. That’s why I stopped doing it.” (Jean, 10)

HOW TO MAKE LOVE ENDURE:
“Spend most of your time loving instead of going to work.” (Tom, 7)

Don’t forget your wife’s name…that will mess up the love.” (Roger,8)

Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that you never take the trash out.” (Randy,8)