Category: Funny Texts

It is possible for a set of twins to have two different fathers. The condition is called heteropaternal superfecundation, and it happens when a woman ovulates twice in one month and has sex with two different men while ovulating. There are only a few recorded cases of it in history (a lot of that could stem from the fact that DNA tests have only been around since 1984), but what is really amazing is that it has happened not once, but twice at the place where people go to get paternity matters dealt with.

The first case of two different men fathering a set of twins happened in 2008. A woman named Regina was on the show to see if her ex-boyfriend was the father of her twins, and he was only the father to one of them.

The second time was in 2011 when 19-year-old Alejandrina went on the show claiming that her boyfriend Jose was the father of her twins. She also emphatically denied sleeping with anyone else but Jose. Well, the lie detector determined that was a lie, and the DNA test proved that Jose was only the father to one of the twins.

Siblings can have different fathers – technically making them half-siblings – but what about twins? Yes, it can happen. In fact, one study estimates that as many as 1 in 400 sets of fraternal twins is “bipaternal.

Both times it happened on the show, Maury and the audience were shocked. Mostly by the whole “twins by different parents” thing, but probably at least in part by the fact that Maury is still on the air.

• God says everyone has to worship him for all eternity. What kind of self-centered egomaniac demands that?
• What did Satan do? He stood up for himself. He said he wasn’t going to give in to God’s demand to be worshiped. How is that a crime?
• What happened to the three day old babies when the flood of Noah came? Don’t envision a worldwide flood—hold in your mind the image of a single crib with a single baby, slowly drowned by the cold, dark waters. What could that child have possibly done?
• Original sin? You mean holding people guilty for things over which they have no control. How is that remotely just?
• God made us in his image? What is more likely: that, or that we made him in our image? The god of the Bible is self-admittedly petty, jealous, and vengeful—just like we are. Is it not more probable that we made him in our image?
• Do you think slavery is okay? The bible supports it. It says you can have slaves as long as you don’t gouge out their eyes or break their teeth. Yeah, that makes it moral.
• The bible says that you are to kill those who attempt to lead you away from God. I admit that right now, I am trying to undermine your faith and turn you into an atheist. Kill me. Do it. I won’t even defend myself. Why aren’t you?
• Moses tells his soldiers to rape the virgin daughters of their enemy. Do you support this?
• Jesus said “let he who is without sin cast the first stone”. Why are so many Christian so damn judgmental then?
• Muslims believe theirs is the one true god too. And that they will go to heaven. And that anyone of another religion will go to hell. These are all things you believe too. How are you any different from them?
• Which is more likely, that Mary conceived as a virgin, or that Joseph knocked her up. Billions of people have gotten pregnant the old fashion way—which is more likely here?
• What happens to the billions of people who never even hear of your path to salvation? How is sending them to hell for all eternity merciful or just when they have no choice in the matter?
• You hold roughly the same religious beliefs as your parents and your country. So does 99% of everyone else in every other religion. What’s more likely, that yours is the one true religion, or that we all just get brainwashed into our parents belief system?
• How do you know the bible is true? Name one thing that it says that could not have been written by uneducated desert tribesmen 2,000 years ago. The cures for polio and small pox, for example, can be written in just a few pages. Why doesn’t the bible contain anything like that?
• Some Christians argue that the New Testament made the Old Testament obsolete. Does this mean you’re willing to abandon the whole creationism farce and acknowledge that evolution is fact?
• Why do believers not regrow limbs? Surely some of our heroes coming home from war with missing body parts are true believes, from believing families, from pious communities. Why can not a single amputee with such a strong belief regrow a limb, or have some other miracle that would in no way be explainable by science?
• What would it take to convince you to become a Hindu? A Muslim? A Jew? A Sikh? These religions are thoroughly unconvincing, aren’t they? I simply feel the same about your religion. How are your talking snake, pregnant virgin, blood sacrifice ritual (communion), or zombie claims (Jesus’ resurrection) any different?
• Why do communities, states, and nations with higher rates of religious belief also have worse indicators of quality of life and societal good. For example, the Deep South of the US is known to be very religious. Why does it have higher rates of crime, domestic violence, infant mortality, and other such social indicators? Same for, say, pious Central America versus Western Europe.
• Why do I need to believe in god in order to be amazed at the wonder of nature? Can’t I just believe it’s beautiful without having to believe there is some sky daddy at the bottom of it all.
• If religion is necessary for morality, then why do organizations like the National Academy of Sciences, whose members are over 95% atheist, have so few members committing crimes?
• Why aren’t Christian funerals big parties? If you truly believe you’re all going to heaven after you die, why is it not a massive celebration? Why are Christians not all taking up base jumping and volunteer fire fighting?
• The bible says that it is an abomination for a man to lie with another man. The very next verse says that the penalty for doing so is death. Do you advocate the death penalty for homosexuality?
• No, damn it, Hitler was a Catholic, not an atheist. Please do your research before using that one again. But I don’t blame Catholicism for what Hitler did, any more than I blame atheism for what Stalin and Mao did. Mad men can be mad for reasons far beyond religion.
• As an atheist, I’m just like you—I’m kind to others, I love my family, I continually try to be a better person. I just don’t need the threat of hell or promise of heaven to do it.
• As an atheist, I too try to live by the Golden Rule, but I don’t need a god or an ancient text to see the wisdom of the rule. I do unto others as I’d have done to me because I know this is the right thing to do, and it makes me happy when I do.
• As an atheist, I agree that it is not enough to just say what you’re against. That’s why I am also a Secular Humanist. Other atheists may hold different positive views, but we are more than just anti-religious.
• As an atheist, I enjoy sex to its fullest. Particularly in my single years! As long as everyone consents (including my spouse once married, if polyamory happens to be our thing), then I don’t have to worry about the opinion of a god or his threats to my eternal disposition.
• As an atheist, I don’t give up 10% of my income year over year, meaning I can retire 5 years earlier.
• As an atheist, I deal with death by telling the people I love that I love them every chance I get. That way when they or I go, the one who survives can have the peace of knowing that we loved each other to the fullest.

 

1. More of our fantasies are about money than sex.
2. If we could have any luxury in the world  more of us would choose to spend money on a butler and a maid than anything else.
3. 90% of Americans who own pets buy them Christmas gifts.
4. Money is the leading cause of disagreements in marriages.
5. 65% of Americans would live on a deserted island all by themselves for an entire year for $1,000,000.
6. For $10,000,000 most of us would do almost ANYTHING! Including abandoning our family and friends and our church. A very high percentage of us would, for that same amount of money, change our race or sex. And, 1 in every 14, would even murder someone for ten million bucks.

   What’s really strange about this is, the statistics remain the same whether it’s ten million dollars all the way down to three million. For three million bucks, most of us would do the same horrible things we would do for ten million. But, guess what? Few of us would do these things for a “measly” two million.

7. 92% of us would rather be rich than find the love of our lives.
8. Here’s a weighty one: Money  is the biggest stress inducer in the lives of Americans. We worry more about money than our marriages, our health, or even who’s going to win the Superbowl Game or come out on top in the latest Survivor TV show.
9. If you get your money out of a Hitachi ATM machine in Japan, it will be laundered. The way they do it is, they briefly press the bills between rollers at high enough temperatures to kill most bacteria.
10. Women have very fixed ideas on how much they are willing to spend on a bra. 38.3% of women won’t spend $30 for a bra. 28.4% won’t spend $50. 10% would pay as much as $75. And, only 3.5% would shell out $100. But, you know what? Almost 20% of women say they would pay almost anything for a bra. This is because they consider (and I guess so do a few men) that the contents of what those bras are encasing is of extremely high-value.
11. Nearly half of the people who sell their houses with furniture included will take all the light bulbs out of all the lamps when they vacate the premises.
12. Most people won’t bend over to pick up money lying on the sidewalk unless it’s at least a dollar.
13. Most Americans think pennies are a pain in the ass and the U.S. Mint should stop making them.
14. There is about 405 billion dollars in circulation. Only 32 million of that amount is counterfeit. That means, the percentage of counterfeit money in America is .0079%. And, $20 bills are more often counterfeited than $100 bills.
15. Do people care if their bills are crisp? Indeed, they do. Fresh, crisp, clean bills are considered much more valuable than those which are old, wrinkled and dirty.

    I once sent a ‘dollar bill thank you’ letter to a guy who sent a sincere letter back to me bitching the free $1 bill I sent him was wrinkled instead of crisp as I had described in the letter.

16. Let’s flip a coin and try to guess whether it will come up heads or tails. Three times as many people guess ‘heads’ than ‘tails’.
17. Here’s one I personally think really sucks: One out of every four Americans believe their best chance of getting rich is by playing the lottery.
18. How about this one for a shocking fact: 5% of lottery ticket buyers buy 51% of all tickets sold. (Trust me, none of these people belong to the “Einsteins of America Society”.)
19. A staggering 74% of us are influenced by how much we can win in a lottery as opposed to the odds of us winning.
20. That’s a good thing for the Government because the odds of winning a lottery jackpot are about 10 million to 1.
21. A person who drives 10 miles to buy a lottery ticket is 3 times more likely to be killed in a car accident while driving to buy the ticket… than… he is to win the jackpot.
22. Sunday newspaper coupon inserts are the second-most read section of the paper, after the front page.
23. Few people know it but, you can buy single-disease insurance.
24. Only 6% of people in America regularly buy clothes tailor made just for them.
25. 63% of us decide NOT to buy a product advertised on the Internet… because… we think the shipping and handling charges add too much to the order.
26. Eight times as many Americans would rather use an ATM than deal with a real live teller.
27. This one’s going to blow your mind: 83% of Americans still pay with checks instead of credit cards!
28. Almost 30% of us say we would need 3 million smackaroos to feel rich. This ties in with the fact most of us would do anything for as little as $3 million… but… not nearly as many of us would do those identical things for a measly $2 million. (Hey, here’s your chance to take advantage of that situation. If you only want to pay $2 million to have something done, ask me if I’ll do it. The chances are, believe it or not, I WILL DO IT.)
29. Here’s another fact which is really, really important: 80% of Americans say giving personal information (especially their credit card information) over the Internet scares the living shit out of them.
30. Two-thirds of Americans say they wouldn’t let their spouse spend the night and have sex with another person for a million dollars. Many of these people are liars. There’s a big difference being asked if they would do it for a million dollars… as opposed to… handing them a paper sack containing the million fungolas and simply saying, “Here, you can have this if you’ll let me sleep with your sweetie tonight.”
31. The average wedding in America costs a staggering $20,000.00.
32. More than one-third of American women consider money more important than good sex to the success of a marriage.
33. According to Employee Benefits Research Institute 96% of all people who have jobs right now won’t be eligible for their full Social Security benefits when they reach age 65.
34. When it comes to houses, more than anything else, people want a state-of-the-art kitchen.
35. When people shop for a car, what they want more than anything else is reliability for the best possible price.
36. One of the best ways to raise money for a charity is to have a free dinner for a lot of people and have an empty envelope tucked under their plate… for the express purpose… of making whatever size donation they want.
37. People tip more on sunny days than they do on dreary days.
38. More than 80,000,000 people call the I.R.S. Information Hotline phone number every year. One-third of those calls go unanswered. And, according to the Treasury Department itself, 47% of the answers the ‘get-through’ callers receive are incorrect.
39. Almost two out of three people have modified their financial behavior because of their fears.
40. Almost three times as many people who live in the South worry about losing their jobs as compared to people who live in the Midwest.