Newspaper Headlines in the Year 2035

  • Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, California.
  • White minorities still trying to have English recognized as the California’s third language.
  • Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.
  • Baby conceived naturally… Scientists stumped.
  • Authentic year 2000 “chad” sells at Sotheby’s for $4.6 million.
  • Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iran, Afghanistan, Syria, and Lebanon.)
  • Iraq still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least ten more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.
  • Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.
  • George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.
  • 35 year study: diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.
  • Texas executes last remaining citizen.
  • Upcoming NFL draft likely to focus on use of mutants.
  • Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches.
  • Microsoft announces it has perfected its newest version of Windows so it crashes before installation is completed.
  • New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screw-drivers and baseball bats must be registered by January 2036.

Flight Engineers

Pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet after every flight. This lets the mechanics know if any problems with the aircraft occurred on the flight. After fixing the issue the mechanic responds on the form:

Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and the solutions
(P = problem logged by the pilot.)
(S = solution and action taken by the engineers.)

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on backorder.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That’s what they’re there for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you’re right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

Female Bashing

Q: How many men does it take to open a beer?
A; None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

Q: Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up women?
A: Because a woman who can’t even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.

Q: Why do women have smaller feet then men?
A: So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.

Q: How do you fix a women’s watch?
A: You don’t. There’s a clock on the oven.

Q: Why do men pass more gas than women do?
A: Because women don’t shut up long enough to build up pressure.

Q: If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling
at the front door, which do you let in first?
A: The dog of course. At least he’ll shut up after you let him in.

Q: What’s worse than a male chauvinistic pig?
A: A women who won’t do what she’s told.

Q: What do you call a woman with two brain cells?
A: Pregnant.

Q: What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?
A: Divorced.