Bear Grylls – Better Drink My Own Piss Jokes

Bear Grylls is a British adventurer known for his best expedition memoirs and the host of several TV wildlife adventures, including Born Survivor (also known as Man vs. Wild).

How many bears would Bear Grylls grill if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
Real men don’t drink pink drinks!

1. Bear Grylls dosn’t survive the jungle, the jungle survives Bear Grylls.
2. Bear Grylls dosn’t cheat death, he wins fair and square.
3. Bear Grylls dosn’t chase down a meal, the jungle provides him food and water at his very whim.
4. Chuck Norris cannot round house kick Bear Grylls in the face, for he can build any impenetrable fortress out of leaves, sticks and the spirits of the jungle.
5. It is a known fact that Bear Grylls once broke his back during a parachute accident while in the British Special Forces. Lesser known is the fact that he built a makeshift hospital in the wilderness and performed back surgery on himself using only a knife, a flint, and a water bottle.
6. In the wild, Bear Grylls eats all kinds of bugs and twigs for the protein. In civilization, he eats spare car parts for the iron.
7. Bear Grylls’ peculiar name is derived from two things: his favorite food, and the manner in which he likes to cook it.
8. It’s a well known fact that in the event of nucleuar holocaust two things would TRUELY survive; cockroaches and Bear Grylls, aftwards Bear would simply eat the cockroaches for protien.
9. Bear Grylls has died twice but managed to survive and escape heaven each time.
10. Whilst fishing with his bare hands, Bear Grylls accidentally won a Fishing Tournament that was being held 2 miles downstream. When awarded with the trophy, Grylls sharpened it on a rock and used it to kill a nearby grisly.
11. In 2005 he led a team of five British men on the first unassisted crossing of the North Atlantic Arctic Ocean, in an open rigid inflatable boat. Bear Grylls simply tied the boat to a rope around his waist and toed the raft. Icerbergs, sharks, and storms were too afraid to get in his way.
12. FACT: On one occasion, there was a leak in Bear Gryll’s house. He then built shelter underneath the leak in the ceiling and made a fire to survive.
13. Bear Grylls was once so hungry he actually did eat a horse. The only thing he spat out was the jockey’s helmet.
14. Bears actually get their name from Bear Grylls, who created them one day when he couldn’t find anything else to fight and eat.
15. Amongst themselves, lions actually agree that Bear Grylls is the King of the Jungle.
16. Bear Grylls was the original Sisyphus, except at the first go he got to the top, climbed onto the rock and slapped Zeus in the face.
17. Bear Grylls once met medusa in ancient Greece, she told him to look into her eyes, Bear Grylls not wanting to back down from a challenge proceeded to look into her eyes.Little did medusa no that anyone who stares into Bear Grylls eyes gets turned into a block of cheese. Either way he ate her in one mouth full. No one messes with Bear and lives.
18. Bear Grylls walked into a bar, he saw it coming but he walked into it anyway.
19. A man walked upto Bear Grylls, 10 minutes later he crawled away from Bear Grylls.
20. Why did the Dinosaur cross the road? Cause he was trying to get away from Bear Grylls who had just ate the chicken two streets away.

21. Rambo thought he knew the jungle like the back of his hand, now all he knows is the front of Bear Grylls fist.
22. Ghandi said to Bear Grylls “sitting in front of that tank was the most stupid thing any human has ever done” instead of responding to this with words Bear Grylls instead sent Ghandi an invitation to his balloon dinner party.
23. The tortoise and the hair had a race, unfortunately for those two it was lunchtime for Bear Grylls.
24. If you say Bear Grylls 3 times in front of a mirror your jaw breaks.
25. Bear grylls can start fire with water.
26. What do you get when you have Bear Grylls, a drinking straw, and a toothpick? A former S.A.S with a sniper rifle.
27. In 1985 Bear Grylls hunted, killed and ate and entire village of South American Rebels and a United States Army Platoon for protein. The gruesome story was retold in 1987 in the movie “Predator”
28. In an as of yet unaired episode of Man vs. Wild, Bear Grylls shows his viewers how to survive in the center of the earth using only a knife, flint and water bottle.
29. bear grylls is the reason why chuck norris is still alive.
30. If you want to meet Bear Grylls, make sure you are a protected animal, because if you are not, Bear will eat you for protein.
31. Bear Grylls was Chuck Norris’s stunt double. In one episode of Texas Ranger, if you look closely you can see Bear Grylls standing in the back ground.
32. Bear Grylls doesnt need a camera crew he just keeps them around incase he needs extra protien.
33. The reason Bear Grylls doesnt use a gun is that they kill animals to slow.
34. Bear Grylls doesnt need a parachute because the ground would move out off his way.
35. The sun rises in the east and sets in the west because Bear Grylls got tired of carrying a compass.
36. Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer, but Bear Grylls is the only man to know what he taste like.
37. One time when Bear Grylls needed to start a fire, he ate some sand and shit out a magnifying glass.
38. In a past life Bear Grylls was a garbage compactor.

Everything’s perfectly fine…
better drink my own piss

Since the on-air debut of Man vs. Wild in 2006, the series has grown into an internationally distributed cable show with over 1.2 billion viewers. Grylls has climbed cliffs, parachuted from a variety of aircraft, ran through a forest fire, ate snakes and utilized a sheep corpse as a flotation device. Grylls has also been known to drink his own urine to prevent dehydration.

A young woman was so depressed she decided to end her life

A young New York woman was so depressed she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean.

Just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her. “You have so much to live for,” he said. “I’m a sailor and we are off to Italy tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I’ll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy. When we get to Italy you will be SO GLAD you’re alive”

With nothing to lose and always wanting to see Italy, she accepted.

That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the ship’s hold.

From then on, every night, he would bring her sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn.

Two weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.

“What are you doing here?” asked the captain.

“I have an arrangement with a sailor,” she replied. “He brings me food and I get a free trip to Italy.”

“I see,” The captain says.

Then her conscience got the best of her, and she added, “Plus, he’s screwing me.”

“He certainly is,” replied the captain. “This is the Staten Island Ferry.”

Radio Exchanges Between Pilots and Control Towers

Tower:”TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees.”
TWA 2341: “Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?”
Tower:”Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?”

From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: “I’m f…ing bored!”
Ground Traffic Control: “Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!”
Unknown aircraft: “I said I was f…ing bored, not f…ing stupid!”

O’Hare Approach Control to a 747: “United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o’clock, three miles, Eastbound.”
United 329: “Approach, I’ve always wanted to say this…I’ve got the little Fokker in sight.”

A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, “What was your last known position?”
Student: “When I was number one for takeoff.”

A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.
San Jose Tower Noted: “American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off
Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport.”

There’s a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running “a bit peaked”. Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down.
“Ah,” the fighter pilot remarked, “The dreaded seven-engine approach.”

A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich, overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): “Ground, what is our start clearance time?”
Ground (in English): “If you want an answer you must speak in English.”
Lufthansa (in English): “I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany Why must I speak English?”
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): “Because you lost the bloody war!”

Tower:”Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7″
Eastern 702: “Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way,after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway.”
Tower:”Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. ! Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?”
BR Continental 635: “Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern… we’ve already notified our caterers.”

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee.
Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, “What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?”
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: “I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I’ll have enough parts for another one.”

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one’s gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: “Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway.”
Ground: “Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven.”
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: “Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?”
Speedbird 206: “Stand by, Ground, I’m looking up our gate location now.”
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): “Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?”
Speedbird 206 (coolly): “Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, — And I didn’t land.”

While taxiing at London’s Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.
An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: “US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it’s difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!”
Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: “God! Now you’ve screwed everything up! It’ll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don’t move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?”
“Yes, ma’am,” the humbled crew responded.
Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high.

Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: “Wasn’t I married to you once?”