My Advice!

1) There are three things in a man’s life that will always irk him: 1) Not chasing his
dreams, 2) His finances, and, in a close 3rd) beginning to date a girl and finding out her birthday is in like 3 weeks.

2) Ladies: You want to make a man upset by telling him he has a small penis? Convince him you have a small penis. That’s far worse.

3) Having a girlfriend is like getting a free 12 month subscription to a magazine. It’s a blast until you have to start paying for it and all it does is leave a mess on and around the toilet.

4) Men. If you start dating a girl and she tells you she has been talking to other guys, it really does mean she is just talking to other guys. With her vagina.

5) Women need to know that men supplement having no toilet paper with taking a shower. Just a simple fact you need to know.

6) Both men and women agree that cheating is a terrible thing to do. However, men and women cheat all the time in college. Off Asians.

7) Everyone is a little gay. I am convinced of this truth. When women experiment with women, they keep it to themselves and hidden. When men experiment with men, they win Nobel Prizes.

8) Men love when women cook for them. Especially when said woman is good at it. Fact. However, I don’t care how amazing of a cook you are, when a man leaves your place, he can’t stop thinking one thing: “Is there enough cash in my wallet for Taco Bell?”

9) A man will always garner respect from other men if he can convince multiple women to email him nude photos of themselves.

10) A woman will always garner respect from other women…never. You are ruthless to one another. Stop it.

11) An honest-to-goodness, intelligent woman is hard to come by. That’s a euphemism.

12) “We hold these truths to be self-evident that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator…” It doesn’t say well endowed, ladies. Lower your standards.

13) I think ‘Hormones’ would be a fun name for a brothel. Sound it out…

14) Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. Truth. Google ‘Lorena Bobbit’. But Hell also hath no fury like a man scorned. Google ‘Hiroshima’.

15) Men and women over the age of 25 play on a softball team for the same reason: to impress easy women.

16) What do men without college degrees have in common with the Olympics? They are forced to lower the bar for women.

17) Ladies, if you meet a man who rents a car to take you on a date, then do yourself a favor and rent a cab to take yourself home early.

18) When you’re on a date with someone and they are at the table texting while you’re sitting across from them, they don’t look like a complete asshole for doing it so much as you look like a gigantic pussy for letting them do it.

19) Piggybacking off number 18. Only 2 people in this world are allowed to text on a date: President Obama & Stephen Hawking.

20) If you sleep over at my place and you complain that I snored during the night…don’t come back. I’ll baste a turkey, shit my bed, and chew on your hair if I want to. Why? Because it’s my fucking bed.

21) Ladies: Lulu Lemon clothing, sports bras, and yoga pants are hot on you only if you don’t need to wear Spanx on the weekends. Repeat, don’t need to.

22) Ladies. Be patient with men. We are incessantly surrounded by dicks, even straight men: Gym locker rooms, high school sports showers, Dave Matthews concerts. Sad face.

23) The Dentist Rule: Spending time with your significant other’s extended family should happen only twice a year and is as fun as a root canal.

24) Ladies. Something is amiss if you have the presence of mind to neuter your dog, but lack the presence of mind to take care of the weird facial hair above your lip and that fuzzy shit where a sideburn would be.

25) Men. If I hear about another Fantasy roster change you should have made or a Fantasy trade you should have accepted, I am going to shove my Fantasy foot in your Fantasy butthole and then buy a Fantasy gun and blow my Fantasy brains out. Get a job.

26) Men only attend major religious services because they, 10 times out of 10, get a free meal afterwards.

27) What a man often doesn’t realize is that when a woman tells him she is having a “Ladies Night”, it really means she is curling up with a bottle of wine and hanging out with her 9 personalities.

28) What a woman often doesn’t realize is that when a man tells her he is having a “Guys Night”, he is hanging out with 6 other douche bags wondering what women do during “Ladies Night.”

29) Cologne is a brilliant ruse created by women and the gay community to make malls and straight men smell less like apes and more like empathy, trust and Prince videos.

30) Give and take relationships are the shit. Women take shit and give a shit. Men give shit and take a shit.

31) If you have been told “It’s not you, it’s me” when someone has broken up with you, interpret it as the following: “It’s not you, it’s definitely you.”

32) Men: If you drink wine and enjoy it, there is no hope for you. Unless you are a 60 year old Grecian or are a Grape futures trader, beer is your beverage. Come on now.

33) A woman crying will always tug at a man’s heart strings. Unless the situation involves alcohol and mascara, then it’s just good, clean American fun.

34) Guys. Being the champion of your softball league is equivalent to, say, a woman getting glamour shots and telling people she’s a model. Stop bragging.

35) Single men are really just stay-at-home Dads without kids.

36) A little bit off topic here, but how come no one has a friend that is a Maitre’D? Do they have their own place where they all hang out? If so, who is the Maitre’D of the Maitre’D place and where does he hang out? France?

37) Next time you do something and describe it as “trial by fire”, you should look around and make sure there are no witches to offend.

38) Cheerleading and golf have couple things in common. 1) Neither is a sport. 2) Both involve older, white men whispering to one another.

39) Companies who offer Paternity Leave are basically saying “Hey man…here is some time off that you probably need because you hate working here.”

40) And, finally, men wouldn’t argue with you ladies if you would just stop being constantly wrong.

Inner Strength

If you can start the day without caffeine or pep pills, 
If you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains, 
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles, 
If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it, 
If you can understand when loved ones are too busy to give you time,
If you can overlook when people take things out on you when, 
through no fault of yours, something goes wrong, 
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment, 
If you can face the world without lies and deceit, 
If you can conquer tension without medical help, 
If you can relax without liquor, 
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs, 
If you can do all these things, 
Then you are probably the family dog. 

International joke – Two man and a woman

On a group of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following people are stranded:

  • two Italian men and one Italian woman

  • two French men and one French woman

  • two German men and one German woman

  • two Greek men and one Greek woman

  • two English men and one English woman

  • two Bulgarian men and one Bulgarian woman

  • two Japanese men and one Japanese woman

  • two Chinese men and one Chinese woman

  • two American men and one American woman

  • two Irish men and one Irish woman

One month later on these absolutely stunning deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:

  • One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.

  • The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a menage-a-trois.

  • The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman.

  • The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.

  • The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.

  • The two Bulgarian men took one long look at the endless ocean and another long look at the Bulgarian woman and started swimming.

  • The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.

  • The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy/liquor/ convenience store/restaurant/laundry, and have gotten the woman pregnant in order to supply employees for their store.

  • The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide, because the American woman keeps on complaining about her body, the true nature of feminism, how she can do everything they can do, the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how sand and palm trees make her look fat, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do, all the sales she’s missing, how her relationship with her mother is improving, and how at least the taxes are low and it isn’t raining. The American woman, meanwhile, watches the men fart and scratch.

  • The two Irish men divided the island into North and South and set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few liters of coconut whiskey. But they’re satisfied, because at least the English aren’t having any fun.