Why do People Hate BMW Drivers? Best BMW Jokes

Q: What is the difference between a BMW and a porcupine?

A: Porcupines have pricks on the outside.

Q: What is the BMW owner’s most ardent wish?

A: A bigger penis.

Q: What should you do if you find three BMW owners buried up to their neck in cement?
A: Get more cement.

Want to hear a car joke?
BMW 2 Series.

What should you do if you find three BMW owners buried up to their neck in cement?
Get more cement.

What’s the difference between a BMW owner and a carp?
One is a bottom-feeding, scum sucker, and the other is a fish.

According to a new poll 91 percent of people are satisfied with their lives.
The other 9 percent are BMW owners.

There are two reasons I don’t take my girlfriend on longs drives in my Beamer.
One I don’t have a girlfriend.
Two I don’t have a BMW.

BMW meme

BMW One Liners

So you’re in high school and you drive a BMW? You must know all about hard work then.

I would give both my testies for a new BMW.

If you see someone driving a BMW, stay away! Research shows that BMW drivers are the rudest on the road.

You wanna man that drives a BMW, but your dad drives a Toyota. Why you can’t be humble like your mom?

I just saw a BMW driver using his indicators correctly on the motorway. Twice. Should I report the vehicle as stolen?

A girl who swallows is like owning a BMW, You don’t need it, but it’s nice to have.

BMW Bar Jokes

Car Shopping

A lady walks into a BMW dealership. She browses around, spots the Top-of-the-line Beemer and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to feel the fine leather upholstery, she inadvertently breaks Wind.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn’t pop up right now.

As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her. Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady With, “Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?” Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have been there at the time of her accident, she asks, “Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?”

He answers, “Madam, if you farted just touching it, you are going to shit yourself when I tell you the price.”

Mid Life Crisis

A man in his 40’s bought a new BMW convertible and was out for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair, and he decided to open her up.

As the needle jumped up to 90 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. “There’s no way they can catch a BMW,” he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 100, 120…. then the reality of the situation hit him.

“What the hell am I doing?” he thought and pulled over.

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word, and examined it and the car. “It’s been a long day, this is the end of my shift, and it’s Friday the 13th. I don’t feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven’t heard before, you can go.”

The guy thinks for a second and says, “Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back.”

“Have a nice weekend,” said the officer

Materialistic Lawyer

A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.

“Officer, look what they’ve done to my Beeemer!!!”, he whiningly said.

“You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!!!” retorted the officer, “You’re so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn’t even notice that your left arm was ripped off!!!”

“Oh my god….”, replied the lawyer, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was, “Where’s my Rolex?

World’s Worst BMW Drivers – BMW Car Crash Compilation and Driving Fails

BMW Acronyms

Brings Me Women!
Bavarian Murder Weapons
Bavarian Motorised Wankermobile
Born Moderately Wealthy
Big Mexican Weiner
Big Money Waste
Break My Windows
Black Mans Willy
Beats My Wood
Borrows My Wallet
Bothers My Willy
Buffoon Made Waste
Bust My Waller
Blonde Man Wheels
Broke My Wallet
Brings Me Women
Big Mexican Woman
Bought My Wife
Breaks Most Wrenches
Beautiful Mechanical Wonder
Best Motorcycle Worldwide
Bad Mutha’ Wheels
Boozedup Moron Wagon
Black Man’s Wheels
Be My Wife
Black Man’s Wish
Big Money Waster
Break My Window
Bring Money With you

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How Much Badass Vladimir Putin Really is?

Ladies and Gentlemen, the comedy stylings of Vladimir Putin

Vladimir Putin King of Russia

 The Pessimist, the Optimist, and the Bedbug

“I told this oldie-but-goodie before, and can’t help but tell it again. Well, there once was a pessimist and an optimist. The pessimist was drinking cognac, and said, ‘This smells like bedbugs!’ The optimist grabbed a bedbug from the wall, sniffed it and said, ‘Well, doesn’t this smell a bit like cognac!’

“My point is, I’d rather be a pessimist who drinks cognac, than an optimist who sniffs bedbugs. Even if the optimist lives a little more happily…”

On gas and Germany.

“I don’t get why Germans don’t like nuclear energy. I don’t want to comment on it, but… I don’t understand how you’re going to keep warm. You don’t want gas, and you don’t want to develop nuclear energy, so what are you going to do, burn firewood? Of course, though, you’d have to get the wood from Siberia…”

On Ukraine.

During a speech by Christoph Leitl, president of the Austrian Federal Economic Chamber, on Ukraine (in German):

Leitl: “And, Mr. President, in 1914, Ukraine was part of Austria…”

Vladimir Putin: “What is that supposed to mean… What are you proposing here?”

Leitl: “It’s supposed to mean, that Ukraine today, a hundred years later…”

Vladimir Putin: “I’m already afraid to listen anymore! What are you going to say next?”

On Europe’s relationship with the U.S.

Angela Merkel is rather unimpressed with Putin’s jokes:

“There are all sorts of jokes on this matter…as in, no matter how you act on your wedding night, the result should always be the same. Get it?”

The Economy in Black and White

When asked whether he thought the economic crisis was over in Russia, Vladimir Putin responded with a joke:

“I’ll tell you an old anecdote of ours: two friends meet up, and one asks the other:

— How are things?

— Well, things right now are like stripes, you see, black and white.

— Well, how are things right now?

— Black.

“Half a year passes before they meet again.

— Well, how are you – wait, I remember, like stripes, how are things right now?

— Right now, they’re black.

— But back then it was also black!

— Nope, it turns out it was white back then.”
Vladimir Putin and horse
The Spy Who Just Wanted to Surrender

The Spy Who Just Wanted to Surrender.

Vladimir Putin tells an old anekdot from Soviet times about bureaucratic unpredictability and the whims of Russian officialdom:

A spy goes to Lubyanka (headquarters of the Soviet secret police in Moscow) and says:

— I’m a spy, I want to turn myself in.

— Who do you work for?

— America.

— OK, go to room 5.

He goes to room 5 and says:

— I’m an American spy. I want to turn myself in.

— Are you armed?

— Yes, I’m armed.

— Go to room 7, please.

He goes to room 7 and says:

— I am an American spy, I’m armed, I want to turn myself in.

— Go to room 10.

He goes to room 10 and says:

— I’m a spy, I want to turn myself in!

— Do you have any communication with the Americans?

— Yes.

— Go to room 20.

He goes to room 20 and says:

— I’m a spy, I’m armed, I’m in communication with America and I want to turn myself in.

— Have you been sent on a mission?

— Yes.

— Well, get out and go do it! Stop bothering people while they’re working!

John Kerry and His Suitcase

During a meeting at the Kremlin with U.S. Secretary of State John Kerry, Vladimir Putin casts suspicion on the contents of Kerry’s briefcase.

Vladimir Putin: “We are always glad to have you visit here because it is always very businesslike and gives us a chance to make headway on very important and serious matters. But today, when I saw you getting off the plane carrying your own luggage, I was a little upset. On the one hand, it’s a rather democratic way of doing things. But on the other hand, I thought the situation in the U.S. must probably be pretty bad if there is no one to help the Secretary of State with his luggage. I hear your economy is doing OK, and there is no slow down. And then I thought, probably there was something in that briefcase of yours that meant you couldn’t hand it over to anyone? Money maybe…to haggle with us on key matters?

“Seriously though, we are happy to see you – jokes aside, we have now found some common ground in order to move forward in matters regarding our bilateral agreements and the international agenda. Welcome.”

Kerry: “Thank you, Mr. President. When we have a private moment, maybe I will show you what’s in my suitcase – you’ll be presently surprised.”

Ronald Reagan’s Best One-liners and Jokes

President Ronald Reagan used humor to win friends, influence voters. It turns out Ronald Reagan had a secret arsenal: stacks of 3×5 index cards filled with one-liners, which he kept in his desk to append to speeches.

President Ronald Reagan's index cards of one-linersAccording to TIME’s coverage of the assassination attempt on Ronald Reagan, the very first thing he said to the First Lady when she arrived at the hospital was, “Honey, I forgot to duck,”

To a nurse who told him to “keep up the good work” of his recovery: “You mean this may happen several more times?”

My fellow Americans. I’m pleased to announce that I’ve signed legislation outlawing the Soviet Union. We begin bombing in five minutes.”

“Here’s my strategy on the Cold War:
We win, they lose.”

“The most terrifying words in the English language are:
I’m from the government and I’m here to help.”
President Ronald Reagan’s Best Jokes“The trouble with our liberal friends is not that they’re ignorant:
It’s just that they know so much that isn’t so.”

“Of the four wars in my lifetime none came about because
the U.S. was too strong.”

“I have wondered at times about what the Ten Commandment’s would have looked like if Moses had run them through the U.S. Congress.”

“The taxpayer: That’s someone who works for the federal government but doesn’t have to take the civil service examination.”

Thomas Jefferson once said, ‘We should never judge a president by his age, only by his works.’ And ever since he told me that, I stopped worrying.”

“If we ever forget that we’re one nation under God, then we will be a nation gone under.”

President Reagan's Best One-Liners“The nearest thing to eternal life we will ever see on this earth is a government program.”

“I’ve laid down the law, though, to everyone from now on about anything that happens: no matter what time it is, wake me, even if it’s in the middle of a Cabinet meeting.”

“It has been said that politics is the second oldest profession. I have learned that it bears a striking resemblance to the first.”

“Government’s view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.”

“Politics is not a bad profession. If you succeed there are many rewards, if you disgrace yourself you can always write a book.”

“No arsenal, or no weapon in the arsenals of the world, is so formidable as the will and moral courage of free men and women.

The government is like a baby’s alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other………

The thought of being President frightens me and I do not think I want the job.

Ronald Reagan tells Soviet jokes