Savage Dad Jokes You’re Going To Hate Yourself

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      1. Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.
      2. What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.
      3. How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.
      4. Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.
      5. I just watched a program about beavers. It was the best dam program I’ve ever seen.
      6. Why did the coffee file a police report? It got mugged.
      7. How does a penguin build it’s house? Igloos it together.
      8. Dad, did you get a haircut? No I got them all cut.
      9. What do you call a Mexican who has lost his car? Carlos.
      10. Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don’t think they’ll fit me.
      11. Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.
      12. Why don’t skeletons ever go trick or treating? Because they have no body to go with.
      13. Ill call you later. Don’t call me later, call me Dad.
      14. What do you call an elephant that doesn’t matter? An irrelephant
      15. Want to hear a joke about construction? I’m still working on it.
      16. What do you call cheese that isn’t yours? Nacho Cheese.
      17. Why couldn’t the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired.
      18. What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little wine.
      19. I wouldn’t buy anything with velcro. It’s a total rip-off.


Inappropriate But Also Hilarious Jokes

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1. How did Burger King get Dairy Queen pregnant?

He forgot to wrap his whopper.

2. How is a woman like a road?

They both have manholes.

3. Why are men like diapers?

They’re usually full of shit, but thankfully disposable.

4. What type of bird gives the best head?

A swallow.

5. What’s better than a cold Bud?

A warm bush.

6. How do you get a nun pregnant?

Dress her up like an altar boy.

7. What should you do if you come across an elephant?

Apologize and wipe it off.

8. What do a bungee jump and a hooker have in common?

They’re both cheap, fast, and if the rubber breaks, you’re pretty much screwed.

9. How are gay people like mice?

They both hate pussies.

10. What did one butt cheek say to the other?

Together, we can stop this shit.

11. What’s the difference between your job and a dead prostitute?

Your job still sucks.

12. What do you call a cheap circumcision

A rip-off.

13. What do priests and McDonald’s have in common?

They both stick their meat in 10-year-old buns.

14. How is tightrope walking like getting a blowjob from someone ugly?

If you want to enjoy either, you absolutely can’t look down.

15. What did one of the prostitute’s knees say to the other?

How come we spend so little time together?

16. What do you call two men fighting over a slut?


17. Why did the woman leave her husband after he spent all their money on a penis enlarger?

She just couldn’t take it any longer.

18. Why don’t little girls fart?

They don’t get assholes til they’re married.

19. What do you call an incestuous nephew?

An aunt-eater.

20. What do you do with a year’s worth of used condoms?

Melt them into a tire and call it a goodyear.

21. What do you call a nanny with breast implants?

A faux-pair.

22. How is being in the military like getting a blowjob?

The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.

23. What do women and noodles have in common?

Both wiggle when you eat them.

24. What do you get when you jingle a man’s balls?

A white Christmas.

25. What’s the difference between a rabbi and a priest?

A rabbi cuts them off. A priest sucks them off.

26. What do you call a guy who cries when he masturbates?

A tearjerker.

27. What did one broke hooker say to the other?

Can you lend me ten bucks ‘til I’m on my back again?

28. Why does Miss Piggy douche with honey?

Because Kermit likes his pork sweet and sour.

29. What’s the real definition of a male chauvinist pig?

A man who hates every bone in a woman’s body—except his.

30. What does a slut say when her daughter asks how to spell “penis”?

“I wish you’d asked me last night, when it was on the tip of my tongue.”

31. How are Kentucky Fried Chicken and a woman the same?

Once you take away the legs and the breasts you’re left with one greasy box to put your bone in.

32. What does the receptionist at a sperm bank say as clients leave?

Thanks for coming!

33. What do you call a sex-crazed gay cannibal?

A head hunter.

34. Did you hear about the constipated accountant?

He couldn’t budget, so he had to work it out with a paper and pencil.

35. Why did the semen cross the road?

Because you wore the wrong socks today.

36. Why did the snowman suddenly smile?

He could see the snowblower coming.

37. What’s the difference between a clitoris and a cell phone?

Nothing! Every cunt’s got one.

38. When is it okay to beat up a dwarf?

When he’s standing next you girlfriend saying that her hair smells nice.

39. What does a dumb slut say when you ask if she’s ever tried 69?

“Thirty dudes is the most I can screw in one night.”

40. How are women like linoleum floors?

If you lay ’em right the first time, you can walk all over them for the next 20 years or so.

41. What’s the square root of 69?

Ate something.

42. What do you do when your cat’s dead?

Play with the neighbor’s pussy instead.

43. What do you call a smiling Roman soldier with a piece of hair stuck between his front teeth?

A glad-he-ate-her.

44. What’s the difference between a bitch and a whore?

A whore sleeps with everyone at the party. A bitch sleeps with everyone at the party—except you.

45. What do you get when you cross a dick with a potato?

A dictator.

46. Why did Jesus die a virgin?

Every single “wound” he touched closed up.

47. How is life like toilet paper?

You’re either on a roll or taking shit from someone.

48. What’s the best way to respond when a girls asks “what’s up”?

“If I tell you, will you sit on it?”

49. What does it mean if a man remembers the color of a woman’s eyes after a first date?

She’s got small tits.

50. Wanna hear a joke about my dick?

Nevermind. It’s too long.

Who Died For Our Sins?

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The teacher asks the class “who died for our sins?”

Patrick jabs Katie with a pen and she screams “Jesus Christ!”

The teacher says “That’s right, and who created the world.

Patrick jabs her again and she shouts “God almighty!”

“Very good” says the teacher, “and what did Eve tells Adam after having their second child?”

Once again, Patrick jabs Katie with the pen, and she yells “if you stick that thing into me one more time I’ll rip it off of you!”