The main distinction between a boss and the Pope is the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.
Boss Jokes: “Can I Get A Raise?”
I asked the boss if I could get a raise, and he said, “Because of the fluctuational predisposition of your position’s productive capacity as juxtaposed to the industry standards, it would be monetarily injudicious to advocate an increment.”
I said, “I don’t get it.”
He said, “That’s right.”
My boss doesn’t believe money equals happiness. So instead of raises, he gives us Prozac.
Don’t stand around doing nothing. People will think you’re the boss.
The Law of Coffee: As soon as you get a cup of hot coffee, your boss will assign you a task that lasts just long enough for your coffee to go cold.
When you give birth to a great idea at work, your boss should give you 2 weeks of maternity leave.
Boss Jokes: “The Interview”
A young job applicant was being interviewed for an entry level position.
His prospective boss asked, “Are you a smoker?”
“Not even a little,” said the young man.
“How about alcoholic beverages?”
“Never touch ‘em,” he replied.
The boss smiled and asked, “So you spend a lot of time with girls?”
The applicant said “No, not really.”
“So you don’t have any vices?”
“Well, I do have one,” he admitted.
“And what would that be?” the boss asked.
“I tell lies.”
Boss Jokes “Galley Slaves”
On a Roman warship, the galley boss looked over his slaves and shouted, “Today I have good news. All of you are getting extra food tonight.”
The slaves all looked at him in silence, except one decrepit old man in the back, who moaned, “Oh God, no, not again.”
A new slave next to him asked, “Why are you moaning?”
“This only happens when the Captain’s nephew wants to water ski.”
Ready to Fire Your Boss?
Boss Jokes: “Dead Horse”
According to Native American wisdom, when you learn the horse you’re riding has died, the best thing to do is get a new horse.
Because of procedural considerations, however, the boss at my company has decided to try other strategies first. Like:
Purchasing expensive, high-tech whips.
Assigning a different rider.
Telling the horse it could be fired.
Organizing a horse-study committee.
Surveying competitors to find out how they make their dead horses go.
Changing the dead horse’s classification to “living-impaired.”
Hiring consultants to study how to ride a dead horse.
Creating a team of dead horses, harnessed together for increased efficiency.
Giving the dead horse to a non-profit, so its cost is fully deductible.
Initiating a study to find out if productivity is enhanced by lighter riders.
Adjusting the overhead costs of the dead horse to zero for accounting purposes.
Promoting the dead horse to management.
Boss Jokes: “Three Wishes”
The sales chief, the HR chief, and the boss are on their way to lunch around the corner. They detour through an alley and stumble on a beat up but valuable looking brass container.
The sales chief picks it up and starts cleaning it with his handkerchief. Suddenly, a genie emerges out of a curtain of purple smoke.
The genie is grateful to be set free, and offers them each a wish.
The HR chief is wide-eyed and ecstatic. She says, “I want to be living on a beautiful beach in Jamaica with a sailboat and enough money to make me happy for the rest of my life.”
Poof! She disappears.
The sales chief says, “Wow! I want to be happily married to a wealthy supermodel with penthouses in New York, Paris, and Hong Kong.”
Presto, he vanishes.
“And how about you?” asks the Genie, looking at the boss.
The boss scowls and says, “I want both those idiots back in the office by 2 PM.”
MORAL: Always let your boss speak first.
There’s a rumor that Steve Jobs, having been a Buddhist, has been reincarnated as a factory worker on a sweatshop assembly line in China.
My boss is in the process of filling an open manager position. I asked him to please hire a man because women are crazy. He agreed with me. I got upset that he agreed. I’m pretty sure I unintentionally proved my point.
The fastest, most effective way to learn about servant leadership is to take a puppy for a walk.
“Dilbert” Boss Jokes
There are two essential rules to management. One, the customer is always right; and two, they must be punished for their arrogance.
The Dilbert Principle: The most ineffective workers are systematically moved to the place where they can do the least damage: Management.
Mission Statement: A long awkward sentence that demonstrates management’s inability to think clearly.