Best one-liners on the internet

Absolutely hillarious one-liners! Large collection of best one line jokes.

one-liners

Birthdays are good for you – the more you have the longer you live.

Accidents don’t just happen. They must be carelessly planned.

If money could talk, it would say: goodbye.

If nobody knows the troubles you’ve seen,
– then you don’t live in a small town.

If the human brain was simple enough for us to understand
– we’d be so simple we couldn’t understand.

If you get to thinkin’ you’re a person of some influence,
try orderin’ somebody else’s dog around.

Never, ever make absolute, unconditional statements.

Pain and Suffering is inevitable but Misery is optional.

Sometimes the best helping hand you can give is a good, firm push.

The difference between ordinary and extraordinary is that little extra.

There are three dimensions to credit cards, length, width and debt.

You can listen to thunder after lightening and tell how close you came
to getting hit. If you don’t hear it, you got hit, so never mind.

If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again,
– it was probably worth it.

If you think nobody cares if you’re alive,
try missing a couple of car payments.

It may be that your sole purpose in life
– is simply to serve as a warning to others.

Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes.
That way you’re a mile away, and you have their shoes too.

Don’t use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house
is to buy a replacement.

If you can’t beat your computer at chess, try kickboxing.

Today is tomorrow’s yesterday.
If you are longing for the ‘good old days’, you’re there pal.

Accept that some days you’re the pigeon,
and some days you’re the statue.

Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.

You are what you eat. So stay away from the jerk chicken.

If you see a snake, just kill it. Don’t appoint a committee on snakes. –
H. Ross Perot

Never eat more than you can lift. – Miss Piggy

If you put your nose to the grindstone, you’ll get a flat face.

Life is tough, get a helmet

Be consistent (but not all the time)

The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.

Never argue with a man carrying a water buffalo.

Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need more.

You can’t tell a book by its movie.

“I met a painter who only paints using Japanese rice wine, but it was just saké for art’s sake.” Phil Mann from BattleActs

“Recently we got a new child in the family – my new stepmom.” Camilla Cleese

“I’ve got very sensitive teeth. They’ll probably be upset I’ve told you.” Gordon Southern

“If I’m ever feeling down I just type: ‘Yo are the best’ into Google. Then it responds: ‘I think you mean: “You are the best”’ and I feel much better.” Jack Barry

“This bloke said to me: ‘I’m going to attack you with the neck of a guitar.’ I said: ‘Is that a fret?’” Tim Vine

“People say I’ve got no willpower. But I’ve quit smoking loads of times.” Kai Humphries

“Watson! I’ve overdosed on Immodium!” “No shit, Sherlock.” Andrew O’Neill

“The wedding invite said: ‘Simon Feilder +1’. So I turned up an hour late.” Simon Feilder

“I thought Benefits Street was a budget box of chocolates that you could buy at Lidl.” Imran Yusuf

“My friend got a personal trainer a year before his wedding. I thought: ‘Bloody hell. How long’s the aisle going to be?’” Paul McCaffrey

“The Pope has come out and said that only 2 per cent of Catholic priests are paedophiles. Unfortunately, that 2 per cent is their penis.” Glenn Wool

“I’m Clive Anderson, in case you were thinking so that’s what happened to William Hague these past years.” Clive Anderson

Clive Anderson Clive Anderson (Getty Images)
“The other day, I went to KFC. I didn’t know Kentucky had a football club.” Nick Helm

“Jason liked his women like he liked his cars. Imported from China. And upgraded every seven years.” Lou Sanders

Feminism is not a fad. It’s not like Angry Birds. Although it does involve a lot of angry birds. Bad example.” Bridget Christie

“Chalk and cheese? Chalk and any food. It’s the not the cheese’s fault.” David Elms

“For my birthday I got myself glasses. So my observational comedy’s really improved.” Sara Pascoe

“Pop up your hand if you like participating in market research.” Ben Target

“I keep writing letters to myself. Dear me.” Mark Simmons

“Colin had his neck brace fitted years ago and since then he’s never looked back.” Alfie Moore

“Who remembers when X Factor was just Roman suncream?” Chris Turner

“Even the word misogyny is misogynistic. It should be ms-ogyny.” Bec Hill

“If I went on Desert Island Discs I’d choose the Desert Island Discs theme tune eight times. Just so listeners would think: ‘What’s wrong with my radio?’” John Kearns

“Have you heard about the evil group of men who control all the world’s cheese? The hallouminati.” Nick Helm

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“I’m very good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know why.” Chris Turner

“My wife said: ‘Did you know butterflies only live for one day?’ I said: ‘That’s a myth.’ She said: ‘No, it’s definitely a butterfly.’” Tom Binns

“I watch so much Netflix that, rather than suggesting more shows for me to watch, it’s started suggesting I go outside.” David Morgan

“The only legitimate reason for smoking an electronic cigarette is if you are a robot that has just had sex with another robot.” Lloyd Langford

“My brother and friends spend all of their time floating out at sea. Well, boys will be buoys.” Bec Hill

“Fun fact: HIV is Roman for high five. Pass it on. Or rather, don’t.” Rhys James

“I am quite excited because the book I have been waiting for about mature male gorillas has just come out in silverback.” Zoe Lyons

“I saw Monty Python at the O2 this year. You know a troupe is getting old when you seeing them is on their bucket list.” Brendon Burns

“I occupy the difficult ground between being posh and liking hip-hop. I’d do a drive-by shooting, on a pheasant.” Ed Gamble

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“I had an argument with one of the seven dwarfs. He wasn’t happy.” Rebecca Humphries

“My dad said: ‘Always leave them wanting more.’ Ironically, that’s how he lost his job in disaster relief.” Mark Watson

“I broke up with my girlfriend over creative differences. I thought I was creative. She thought differently.” Phil Wang

“Polygamy – the art of parrot-folding.” Lizzy Mace

“My ex and I were in an open relationship. Well, I called it an open relationship. He called it cheating.” Abigoliah Shamaun

“Yes, my thighs are touching each other but wouldn’t you be touching yourself if you were this close to my vagina?” Luisa Omielan

“I’ll tell you what separates the men from the boys. Operation Yewtree.” Maff Brown

“I did a gig recently where I got booed off stage for saying that I live at home with my parents. As soon as I said it the whole audience went: ‘Booooo!’ That’s the last time I do a charity gig for an orphanage.” Nathan Caton

“The early bird gets the worm but the late worm gets to live.” Jonny Lennard

“When my wife and I argue, we’re like a band in concert: we start with some new stuff and then we roll out our greatest hits.” Frank Skinner

“My father was a magician. Well, not a magician, he just disappeared a lot when we were younger.” Alex Edelman

“I saw Arnold Schwarzenegger eating a chocolate egg. I said: ‘I bet I know what your favourite Christian festival is.’ He said: ‘You have to love Easter, baby.’” Tim Vine

“I sold my guitar to a bloke with no arms recently. I asked him how it was going to work, he replied: ‘I’m going to play it by ear’.” Lloyd Griffith

“I don’t know what OBE stands for. But is it child molester in the Seventies?” Glenn Wool

“I believe in gay marriage so that gay people can be as miserable as straight people.” Tom Allen

“My Dad is a proper family man. He’s got three of them.” Steve Bugeja

“Due to the size of my social circle, a lads’ holiday with me would look more like a romantic getaway.” Phil Wang

“One thing you’ll never hear a Hindu say… ‘Ah well, you only live once.’” Hardeep Singh Kohli

“I’m a strict Catholic. This year I gave up abstinence for Lent.” Andrew Doyle

“If I discovered a new animal I’d call it a Quorn to mess with vegetarians.” Jim Campbell

“Inside every Russian doll there’s a Russian doll screaming to get out.” Phil Mann from BattleActs

“I don’t believe in sceptics.” Tom Binns