1. Q. Why was Pavlov’s hair so soft?
A. Classical Conditioning
2. Did you hear the one about the statistician? Probably….
3. Q. How many psychologists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. One, but the lightbulb really has to want to change.
4. Q. How many “Rogerians” does it take to change a light bulb?
A. How many do you think it takes?
5. Three Freudians go into a bar. The barman asks for some id.
6. “Doctor, there’s a man here to see you who thinks he’s invisible.”
“Tell him I can’t see him right now.”
7. One behaviorist meets another on the street.
“How am I feeling today?”
8. Q. What’s the difference between an experimental psychologist and a magician?
A. An experimental psychologist pulls habits out of rats.
9. Client: “Doctor, help me. I think I’m a dog.”
Psychologist: “Lie down on the couch.”
Client: “I can’t. I’m not allowed on the furniture.”
10. Q. What did the hippocampus say when it retired?
A. Thanks for the memories.
11. “Doctor, I feel as though nobody understands me.”
“What do you mean by that?”
12. “Doctor, I feel like such a failure.”
“Anyone who can pay my fee is certainly not a failure.”
13. Q: How many narcissists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: One to hold the lightbulb still, while the world revolves around him.
14. A lottery is a tax on people who don’t know statistics.
15. Two statisticians go hunting. A duck flies by. One statistician fires 5 feet over the duck’s head. The other statistician fires 5 feet under the duck’s head. They turn to each other, “We got him!”
16. Did you hear about the statistician who had his head in an oven and his feet in a bucket of ice? When asked how he felt, he replied, “On the average I feel just fine.”
17. George Burns said that “If you live to be one hundred, you’ve got it made. Very few people die past that age.”