Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.
I am in shape. Round is a shape.
Time may be a great healer, but it’s a lousy beautician.
Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels good.
Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.
Even if you are on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there.
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be
changed regularly, and for the same reason.
An optimist thinks this is the best possible world. A pessimist fears this is true.
There will always be death and taxes; however, death doesn’t get worse every year.
In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.
I am a nutritional overachiever.
I plan on living forever. So far, so good.
Practice safe eating — always use condiments.
A day without sunshine is like night.
It’s frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
Age doesn’t always bring wisdom. Sometimes it comes alone.
Life not only begins at forty, it also begins to show.