1. The drug dealer’s shoes
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
2. Whale Stories
Two whales are in a bar. One turns to the other and says, “OOOOAAAAHHHHOOOOHHHAAOO!”
The other whale turns to him and says, “Go home Steve, you’re drunk!”
3. Of ghosts and such
A ghost walks into a bar and orders a shot of vodka. The bartender says “Sorry, we don’t serve spirits here.”
A dyslexic man walked into a bra.
5. The man who wants it ALL
Why can’t you tell a kleptomaniac a joke?
They always take things literally.
6. Speed reading like a boss
I’ve taken up speed reading. I can read “War and Peace” in twenty seconds. It’s only three words but it’s a start.
7. Fish tales
Two gold fish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says, “You know how to drive this thing?!”
8. Cowboys and cars
What did the cowboy say at the German auto show?
9. This joke took off in the right direction.
-WHAT DO WE WANT?!?!?
-LOW FLYING AIRPLANE NOISES!!!
-WHEN DO WE WANT ‘EM?!?!?
What do you call a nun in a wheelchair?
11. When cows start trolling each other
Two cows are in a field, one says “mooooo!”, the other says “that’s what I was going to say.”
12. I’ve noticed it too!
Why do trees seem suspicious on sunny days?
Dunno, they’re just a bit shady.
13. This one’s a little “meh..”
I went into a pet shop. I said, “Can I buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?” I said, “I don’t care what star sign it is, I just want a goldfish.”
14. The guy who invented the doorknocker
What did they give the guy who invented the doorknocker?
A no-bell prize.
15. Truths part II
What is red and bad for your teeth?
16. Of termites and such
A termite walks into the bar and asks, “Is the bar tinder here?”
17. When noodles aren’t real
What do you call a fake noodle?
18. Bears with no teeth
What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A gummy bear.
19. Meanwhile in cow world
What do you call a cow with no legs?
20. EpiPens and dying friends
I have an EpiPen. My friend gave it to me when he was dying, it seemed very important to him that I have it…