1. My girlfriend was complaining last night that I never listen to her. Or something like that…
2. When I was a boy, I had a disease that required me to eat dirt three times a day in order to survive… It’s a good thing my older brother told me about it.
3. My girlfriend is always stealing my t-shirts and sweaters… But if I take one of her dresses, suddenly “we need to talk”.
4. Behind every angry woman is a man who has absolutely no idea what he did wrong.
5. Two wrongs don’t make a right, take your parents as an example.
6. If I wanted to kill myself I’d climb your ego and jump to your IQ.
7. Always remember that you are absolutely unique… Just like everyone else…
8. Don’t regret doing things, regret getting caught
9. I wasn’t lying, I was just writing fiction with my mouth
10. I wonder where my brother is, his lunch is getting all cold … … … and eaten… 😛
11. If a stranger offers you a piece of candy…take two…
12. Oh… I didn’t tell you… Then It must be none of your business…
13. Oh… Sorry… Did you mistake me for someone , who cares?
14. Please don’t eat me! I have a wife and kids… … …Eat them!
15. Waitress: ’Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ’What kind of font is this?’